Getting crunk in a country world

Growing up in the country, you'd think I'd enjoy listening to songs with titles like "My Woman Left Me So I'm Drinkin' a Fifth of Whiskey" or "I Go Huntin' to Forget About My Woman," and you certainly can't forget the award-winning classic "My Woman Morphed into a Deer So I Shot Her."

But the fact is I don't enjoy country music very much. You'd think this would pose no problem in life, but when 99.9 percent of my friends love listening to No. 1 country hits like "I Got Drunk at My Momma's Funeral" while we all sing along, I tend to feel a bit left out. Usually I just sway along with everyone else and pray the radio is struck by a meteor or, at best, crushed by a stampede of wild buffalo.

You may be asking yourself, "Well, Sam, if you don't like country music, what exactly DO you like?"

I like songs that show a sign of humanity and intelligence. They must be well-written, and express the artist's feelings in a profound and original way. A perfect example of musical genius at its finest would be "Whistle While You Twurk" by the Ying Yang Twins. This little ditty will have you pondering the meaning of life for days on end. I'll give you a taste of its amazing lyrics so that you too can finally realize how beautiful life really is: "Baby bounce biggy bounce ugh, it's on you. Shorty you can twurk in your skirt."

All right, so maybe I exaggerated a little, but I like rap. I know, I know; I should be sipping lattes as John Mayer's voice emanates from my iPod, but that's really not my style.

Now rap isn't the only thing I listen to, but it puts me in a good mood with its ridiculously explicit lyrics, and it's pretty hilarious to hear me discuss rap with a fellow rap lover. My tone of voice sounds like I should be wearing a business suit and sitting in the smoking room on board the Titanic enjoying a brandy.

"Trillville's new song is absolutely tremendous," I'll say. "It's got such a hip beat, and you can really get the party started if you turn it up at da club. What do you think of that G-Unit group?"

Oh well, no matter how lame I sound while I talk about rap, I'll probably always enjoy it. In the meantime, I guess I need to learn a few more country songs if I want to fit in with my friends the next time we hang out at a party.

Right now I'm downloading the song "I Shoot Radios at Parties When I Drink a Fifth of Whiskey." Maybe someone will get so into the song, they'll actually shoot the radio and I won't have to rely on a meteor or wild buffalo to save me.

So tell me, do you think C-Murder's accusations of murder are false? Hang on just one second. Excuse me steward -- may I have a brandy?

Now, please, continue.

Sam DeReign is a student at Southeast Missouri State University. Contact him at sdereign@semissourian.com.