Getting a perspective on anger

When I wrote my column on "The Hostile Heart," where I reported on the ill effects anger and hostility can have on heart health, I received the following response from a reader:

"You psychologists are all alike. You define the problem and then refuse to tell us what to do about it. I know what the problem is! I can literally feel my heart pounding when I am angry and I know that can't be good for it."

Yes, we shrinks are like that. Guilty as charged. But there is a method to our madness.

Defining the problem, and then understanding it, is at the heart of solving the problem. When you understand anger and your particular relationship to it, you will have gained the most important anger management tool any of us can have: Perspective.

When we are hurt, or wronged, or threatened, or disappointed ... our bodies are flooded by cortisol and adrenaline. Blood leaves our brains and flows to our extremities, readying us for action. A consequence of all this outflow of blood is that we can't think so clearly. We are then more prone to acting it out than thinking it through.

Contrary to the contentions of many pop psychologists, expressing anger is not always the healthiest way to deal with it. Especially if you have gone over the line to being a "hostile personality," angry expressions will usually only produce more anger.

What is needed is perspective. That is what breaks the rush to expressing anger and, instead, allows for assertive expressions.

Gaining perspective requires taking a hard look at your angry self.

What are your triggers? We all have them and, if you know what yours are, you are in a better stance to defuse them.

What are your expectations about yourself? Your world? Maybe they are too high and you are constantly finding yourself disappointed ... and angry.

What is your frustration tolerance? Is it that of an immature child? If so, you are probably going to have difficulty living in an adult world where there are stop signs and long lines to get your cappuccino.

But what if you are too far gone, hopelessly hostile? Most often, hostile personalities are undeveloped personalities, lacking in necessary skills.

Here are three hostility-busting skills that are worth anyone's effort.

Try imagining the kind of non-hostile person you would like to be. Maybe like someone you know or have seen on television? Stop and think: What choices would that person make? Enact those same choices, whether or not they seem familiar.

Another important skill to practice is forgiveness. Much of the detrimental effects that hostility has on our heart health is the chronic stress that comes from the inability to let go. When you find yourself angry at someone for some perceived slight or injustice, see if you can "Bless and Release." You will be surprised at how much more breathing space you will create for yourself.

And a third important skill to develop is that of "Calming the Beast." Hostility feeds on itself. Stop the feeding frenzy by taking several deep breaths (it works) or taking a time out. Find the calming strategy that works for you.

It's hard work, developing these skills and perspectives. But remember, if you can't do it for yourself, or even for the people you live with, do it for your heart. It will thank you by beating stronger and longer.

Dr. Michael O.L. Seabaugh is a Cape Girardeau native who is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years experience helping individuals and couples with their emotional and relationship issues. He has a private practice in Santa Barbara and Santa Monica, Calif. Contact him at mseabaugh@semissourian.com.