For marital longevity, drop your guard

You would think that a mature relationship would result in greater maturity.

You might not jump to that conclusion if you had spent the last 20 years sitting in my chair. Nothing quite describes the experience of providing marital counseling to a couple who persist in spending an expensive hour in my presence slinging mud at each other. It can be like watching a badminton game from hell.

At certain points I will just sit back and marvel at the tenacity of their defenses. If I dare to intervene, they look at me as if I were insane.

How do these marital warriors defend themselves? Let me count the ways: I can shame you, unbalance you, walk away from you, escalate the situation to the point where you act like an idiot and then I can feel superior. I can try to deafen you with my hysteria, or blind you with the glare of my goodness.

We all have our preferred defense. After a while, your partner will be able to predict its arrival, and will no doubt become sick to death of it. That same person will undoubtedly start defending against you with a preferred defensive maneuver.

A critical "marriage-go-round" is activated. You've been on this ride before. You feel criticized; you've heard it all before. You stop listening. When defense meets defense, only a hellish status quo can result. The marital dialogue grinds to a halt. Gridlock.

If I can get a word in edgewise, this is what I try to communicate to these stuck couples:

Don't get defensive, get curious.

You heard me. Stop defending yourself and get a clue. You are being given valuable information here. This is not your enemy, this is the person who knows you the best and is on to you. Shut up and listen.

This one simple (yet difficult) shift in attitude can be very effective in unlocking the gridlock. Try it the next time your beloved tells you that you NEVER do anything around the house.

Instead of responding with: "You should talk, when is the last time you took out the trash?" (Shifting blame) ... or "You never say anything nice about me!" (hysteria) ... Why not try: "I wasn't aware that things were that bad for you around here. Tell me what you need from me."

Often time couples need a little help getting to that enlightened stance, especially if they have been at it for some time.

Here are a couple of suggestions that can help change the relationship atmosphere to something more benign.

When things start to escalate, agree to get off the "marriage-go-round" and sit down. That's right, sit. Don't have your set-to on the stairway or as you are leaving.

Figure out together what are your individual triggers to emotional escalation. We all have them. Trust each other; get them out in the open. Understand your own and your partner's. Next time, maybe you will choose to be more loving instead of provocative.

List all of the things that bug you regarding your spouse. Now put them into two columns. Column A are all of the things that are profoundly important to you, that can't be ignored. Column B are those that, in the mature spirit of compromise, you can release. Bless and release. Commit to this one act of marital mercy and watch for the rainbow.

Dr. Michael O.L. Seabaugh is a Cape Girardeau native who is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years experience helping individuals and couples with their emotional and relationship issues. He has a private practice in Santa Barbara and Santa Monica, Calif. Contact him at mseabaugh@semissourian.com.