Finding the secret of happiness

Other people collect seashells or Beanie Babies. I like to collect bits and pieces of wisdom about happiness.

It's a worthwhile hobby: Happy people live longer, make better lovers and are generally more generous.

I was speaking about my search for the key to happiness with my pal Paul. He told me that his gardener once said something that actually sounded like the Secret of Happiness: "Find someone to love, some work to do and something to look forward to."

The first ingredient of this recipe is evident. I have reported before about the longevity benefits that accrue from having someone to love.

Love does not always come easily. Therefore, one of our most important tasks in life is to overcome whatever barriers we may have inherited to allowing love into our lives. These barriers can be many and they can be formidable. But the rewards for that labor are formidable.

We all have our "life's work." For some, it takes time find it. For many, it will change job descriptions, especially if we live a long time. It can win you Oscars or be something humble and private.

Work only brings happiness if it is deemed worthy, if it benefits you and, hopefully, others. And the only true judge of that can be you. Perhaps this third element in the gardener's happiness formula -- "something to look forward to" -- may be the most relevant to those of us who have rounded the bend.

For this one, my dogs are my role models. Every morning they leap out of their little beds, dance around mine, looking very excited about what comes next: excreting and eating. And when they rush to the back door, wagging their tails furiously in anticipation of a walk around the block, you have never seen such unmitigated joy.

Trust me, this is not what I look like when I wake every morning.

I realize that we humans are a bit more complicated. We may need to calendar into our lives events that are somewhat grander than our next trip to the bathroom in order to reap the rewards of anticipation. We need to plan those holidays, those walks in the park, those projects that will eventually create fulfillment.

I've heard many friends go cynical on happiness. Is it something that comes from the luck of the draw? Or is it something in our mind that we can control? In this culture, we tend to believe that happiness is a byproduct of good lives, good luck. Granted, being blessed with an environment of love and luck certainly makes it easier to be intentional about happiness. But ultimately, we can seek it in each moment. I have found that happiness is something you engage, sometimes an act of self will.

Six months before my father died, I sat with him on the front porch of our family's farmhouse out on Cape La Croix Road. He had recently received a diagnosis of cancer. A physician for over 50 years, he knew that he had just heard the diagnosis that would soon end his life. But, typical of my father, he would not talk about that.

Instead, he focused on the large pasture in front of him. Its white plank board fence corralled several thoroughbred mares contentedly grazing, with as many yearlings frolicking about.

I sat there with tears in my eyes, knowing that this would be the last time I would ever sit with him in that precious and familiar place. But my father was smiling.

He said, "You know what they say ... as long as you have a colt in the field, you will always have a happy future."

I realize now, that on that day, he was teaching me something about the secret of happiness.

Dr. Michael O.L. Seabaugh, a Cape Girardeau native, is a clinical psychologist who lives and works in Santa Barbara, Calif. Contact him at mseabaugh@semissourian.com.