Finding God in consolation and desolation

Lately I've felt like a desert -- dry, uninspired, unresolved, stuck like a cactus in this place Jesus is coming to be tried in.

I was reminded of two terms I'd heard when I was younger: desolation and consolation. The way St. Ignatius of Loyola conceived of it in the 1500s, according to Loyola Press' Ignatian Spirituality website, is that in times of consolation, "good spirits" move us closer to God and others, and we bask in the goodness of God visibly at work in our lives. During times of desolation, we feel far from God and others, moved toward feelings of isolation and a lack of hope.

Desolation -- in the words of Margaret Silf in "Inner Compass" -- "turns us in on ourselves" and "makes us want to give up on things that used to be important to us." When experiencing desolation, one should remember how faithful God has been in times of consolation and "tell God how you feel and ask for help." Also: "Don't go back on decisions you made in consolation." It's helpful to discern these spirits with a spiritual director.

There are definitely times when discontent is meant to move us to other places and other people, and there are times when discontent is meant to teach us perseverance in a place or situation; all discontent is meant to bring us closer to God, calling us deeper into his heart as we discern how and where our discontent is meant to lead us.

For a lot of people it's the "go" that's hard; for me, difficult obedience comes with his "stay." The biggest leaps of faith for me are always in the "easy" things.

Stay. Be a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a teacher, a student of me. Love the people I've entrusted to you, let the people I've entrusted you to love you, too. There is transformation here, there is renewal and good here, I am here. Stay.

I recently read this quote by the French priest Father Jacques Philippe: "It is not the exterior circumstances that must change; it is above all our hearts that must change. They must be purified of their withdrawal into themselves, of their sadness, of their lack of hope ... many of the circumstances that they thought negative and damaging to their spiritual life are, in fact, in God's pedagogy, powerful means for helping them to progress and grow."

I don't think our movement toward God is linear, this kind of one-step-forward, two-steps-back, I-felt-closer-to-God-last-year-and-now-I-think-I've-moved-away-from-him sort of business. The way I envision it is that we are always moving toward God in a forward-motion spiral; God is too big, too relentless, too good for us not to be. He understands us, he has us, he uses all things -- all of our seasons, moods, wanderings and intimacies -- to draw us to himself. We live in him and therefore can never be far away.

I think of what Father Bill said God might say when he met him face-to-face. No disappointment, only these words, spoken joyfully: "Bill, I only wish we could have had more time together."

In consolation and desolation, in spiritual deserts and oases, God is with us. We must simply abide and believe.