'Don't lick the dog!' and other parenting woes

Before you become a parent, you have this idealized view of what parenthood will entail. You see clean, well-dressed, mini-versions of yourself with shiny halos instead of the dirt-covered minions you inevitably will get. I've been a mom for almost six years now and have had this pretend version of parenthood crushed at least 1,374 times.

I've said and done things no sane person would ever do: "Don't lick your sister," "Brush the hair off before you eat it," "Get off the kitchen table," "Let the cat out of the dryer," "Don't lick the dog," "Don't color on the wall," "Don't throw rocks at the neighbor's truck," "Wipe your butt," "Don't throw dirt at the postman," "Don't lick the lady in front of us in line at the grocery store!" These are all things I have said to at least one of my children, if not both of my children, on a daily basis. No, I am not making these up. Yes, my kids think licking objects and strangers is hilarious.

I have walked out of the house looking like an extra from "The Walking Dead" while my children look amazing in their boutique outfits and curled hair. Ten minutes after getting to our location, my children also look like extras from "The Walking Dead," because dressing them in anything that isn't $5 and brushing their hair is an immediate cue they should roll in the first mud pile they see and then smile at me. Yesterday the boy came home with streaks of black down his lime-green shirt and a scissor cut just under his left nipple from when the scissors "accidentally" fell and cut his shirt. The girl had permanent marker on her pant leg and arm because she is a ninja and sneaked over to the teacher's desk during naptime to color.

This is real life, not the idealized version you see on TV or in movies and magazines. Parenting is hard. You are exhausted all the time, you are never left alone and you feel like you are failing all the time. I go to bed at night so tired from the day, only to wake up and again tell someone to stop licking something. And the thing is, I am insane, because I would do the whole thing all over again.

Parenthood is crazy, but it is a wild ride I don't want to stop.