Counselor writes the football fanatic's guide to relationships

Miscommunication often can cause conflict in relationships.

Relationship expert Dr. Steven Schiendling, a licensed mental health counselor in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., has written a book titled "Fumbles, Field Goals and the Myth of the Hail Mary" -- a communication guide that pairs football concepts and relationship advice to help men and women better understand what's happening in their own relationship.

Schiendling, a counselor for 20 years, said men sometimes have difficulties communicating their feelings.

"Women sometimes talk about their feelings or issues in their relationships, and the guys just don't get it," he said.

Men who attended Schiendling's counseling sessions with their wives or girlfriends were often resistant to the counseling, he said.

"I felt men needed a tool, so I started using football metaphors and they grabbed hold of it," Schiendling said. "Football metaphors gives men and women a common language. If women can talk to men using football terms, it clicks."

Football, or any sporting event, can be a barrier in relationships.

Schiendling believes if couples can bond over football, they can learn more about their relationship.

Here are a few ways Schiendling suggests couples can communicate their feelings using football terms:

Create a winning game plan

What it takes for a team to win on the football field is similar to having a successful relationship. Football teams and couples must create a winning game plan, avoid mistakes and penalties and have winning plays.

The relationship game plan is a starting point. Just as football teams don't go onto the field without a plan, couples must make a plan for how to offer support to each other and gain understanding.

Unsportsmanlike conduct

A football player who is mean or disrespectful on the football field can get charged with unsportsmanlike conduct. If a husband or boyfriend becomes mean or disrespectful, Schiendling teaches women to call out their partner for unsportsmanlike conduct.

"That clicks to a guy, and he can relate to it," Schiendling says.

Delay of game

When the offensive team delays the game in football, the team is charged with a penalty. In relationships, men sometimes upset women and will delay the game by not attending to the issue in a timely manner.

"They won't deal with it, or they'll give a half-hearted, 'I'm sorry,'" Schiendling says. "In the meantime, the wife or girlfriend is feeling wounded, and the relationship can't move forward while she's carrying around those feelings."

Throwing the Hail Mary

When a football team is in desperation mode, they'll sometimes throw a Hail Mary. With several seconds left on the game clock, a quarterback will fling the football into the air, hoping the receiver catches it.

"The Hail Mary hardly ever works, Schiendling said. "The reason football teams have to use this play is because they performed winning plays along the way."

Men are "notorious users" of the Hail Mary, he said.

If a relationship is about to fall apart, men sometimes try to fix the problem at the last minute by buying the woman a gift or taking her on a trip. That's not an effective way to handle a relationship, Schiendling says.

"Men need to avoid being in a situation where they're having to throw a Hail Mary," he said.

Schiendling suggests couples should use Super Bowl Sunday as a bonding experience, and learn how to communicate their feelings using football terms.

"If couples are using the same language, they can relate to each other," he said.

jfreeze@semissourian.com

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