Building bridges to each other

I recently talked with a widow who had just lost her husband, Bill. Although she knew his time on earth was short, June was still unprepared when it was time for him to go. No matter how well she had prepared herself, she was devastated.

Numerous couples, friends and relatives integrate their sense of self and value, excessively, into the personhood of that significant other person. Years ago, particularly, people married and truly became one. They forgot who they were to begin with, and everything they then did was built on the opinion and judgment of the other. One can even allow this to happen with his children. Then when offspring leave to seek their own fortune and begin a life of their own, he looks in the mirror and can see only an empty reflection of himself. He gazes upon a stranger failing to recognize who he is without those outer trappings of the people around him --- those who have given him his identity.

If and when this scenario happens to you it's because you've, for years, been living in someone else's shadow rather than trying to find your own sunlight and reflecting it. You've attempted to help further your husband's career at the expense of following your personal destiny -- and we all have one -- or you've failed to seek any kind of social life yourself while living in the shadow of your kids. Finally, those goals of others are met and you're all alone. You have forgotten who the self is that you once were.

In the book "Living, Loving, Learning," Leo Buscalgia says "the most important thing about a relationship is that one and one always make two and to survive a relationship you must always remain who you are and continue to grow through change." In other words, no matter who you are, you must remember you are still one. You must stand alone. You were born alone and you will die alone. That isn't meant to sound morbid, but God created us to eventually be with Him. We are all wonderfully made by God, but as individuals. No one can live for you, make choices for you, or die for you. So maintain your sense of individuality. Couples often maintain that marriage vows tell them to forego their individuality and mesh together. They often use the Scripture passage "and the two shall become one flesh. Therefore now they are no longer two, but one flesh" [Mark 10:8], to back their claim.

June worked when she was married to Bill, and assumed she was independent. She later told me that nothing was fun, now, without Bill -- so emotionally she was more dependent on his companionship than she had believed. Anyone, married or involved in another close association, needs to keep some friends and interests of his own, outside the relationship. It's wonderful to reside in a close bond, but remember, you must always return to being you.

"You have your life and he has his life, within. You can build bridges to each other but you always maintain your dignity and integrity because all relationships are temporary and eventually you're going to be faced again with you. You're an I -- and he's an I -- and together you're an us" Buscalgia said.

Everyone truly needs somebody -- with whom to talk about their problems, joys and concerns -- or to share a meal. Those who attempt to act like hermits and withdraw are more often the ones who have mental problems and depression. We are made in the image of God and need to interact with other people just as Jesus did.

Take care and do not lose yourself in the process of being connected. Although numerous pillars hold up a building, each one stands alone. You, too, must stand separately, and then build a bridge to another. Then you'll remain the who you were meant to be.

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction and provides spiritual direction to people at her office.