Attempting to train into perfection

I told myself I would never work in retail again. But here I am, working two retail jobs now. I guess I shouldn't have applied for them if I didn't want them, but I needed one and my self-worth was going downhill every day with the schedule I had. Here's a quick overview:

10 a.m. -- Wake up.

Noon -- Wake up.

12:37 p.m. -- Move leg.

12:45 p.m. -- Get out of bed.

2 p.m. -- Eat something.

4 p.m. -- Call friends to see if they want to do something.

4:14 p.m. -- Find out they are all busy with jobs.

5 to 10:30 p.m. -- Eat everything in the house.

1 a.m. -- Go to bed.

So here I am, working once again, going through training again and dealing with people who think I know everything about the products we sell. Really, I could probably give them a more accurate answer if they asked me to guess how often they clip their toenails.

For example, at Barnes & Noble I was once asked by a lady if we had any books by Jen Holling.

"Who?" I asked.

"Jen Holling."

"What kind of books does she write?"

"Romance," she replied, as if I looked like someone who sat around in a bathrobe curled up on the couch reading a copy of "My Devilish Scotsman" with The Price is Right playing in the background.

My other job is at a music store in the mall which everyone thought would be cool since I'd get to hang out with people more my age. Well, all I have to say is that a lot of people my age are idiots who are tempted to steal anything they can get a hold of. I never understood how people can steal stuff and not feel any kind of guilt for doing it.

When I was 10, I once took a 25-cent notepad from OfficeMax and thought lightning was going to strike me dead any second. If any authorities read this, hopefully the statute of limitations has run out on my decade-old wrongdoing.

I'm looking forward to the day that I can catch my first shoplifter and use my authoritative voice to scare them into giving me back the merchandise.

Actually it'd probably go more along the lines of me saying, "Hey why are you putting those CDs in your purse?"

"I'm stealing them."

"I don't think you can do that."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, let me go check in the back with the manager. You just stay right here."

So far the jobs have gone well and nothing too terribly wrong has happened. Except I did work the night the latest Harry Potter book was released and there were so many people there that I actually think someone did ask me to guess how often they clipped their toenails.

Sam DeReign attends Southeast Missouri State University. Contact him at sdereign@semissourian.com.