Area counselor Gina Crowley and local parents provide tips and advice for co-parenting in blended families

Blended families, which are defined as families consisting of a couple and their children from current and previous marriages or relationships, are becoming more and more common. And, in these families, kids often travel from one parent's home to the other. But, how do you keep things consistent for the child, and what do you do if things don't seem to be going well? Local experts can provide tips on how to help things run smoothly in blended families, and suggestions for what to do when things don't.

"Kids need to know what to expect at each home," says Gina Crowley, a counselor at the Family Counseling Center in Cape. "Remember, they are living in two different worlds, mom's world and dad's world."

Jennie Buck, who along with her husband, Mike, has four children ranging in age from 4 to 14 in their blended family, shares this.

"We have a set of rules that we follow in our household to create consistency," she says. "We encourage our children to always follow the rules given, whether it be the rules at our house, at a friend's house, or at their other parent's house."

Crowley also suggests doing a calming activity, especially with younger children, when they first arrive at a parent's home.

"Kids can be wild when they first arrive," says Crowley. "Try doing a calm activity with them when they first arrive, like coloring. Talk with them and allow them to get used to [you] again. Don't just take off somewhere with them when they first arrive. Have some rituals that you do together and work at making their time with you enjoyable."

Communication between all parents and children involved is key. Mandy Keys and her husband, Billy, have a blended family consisting of three daughters ranging in age from 17 to 14 to 3.

Mandy and Billy Keys' children, Chloe Keys (left), Kennedy Keys and Skylar Deimund, pose for a photo.Submitted photo

"Thankfully, all portions of our blended family communicate rather well," says Keys. "As our [older] girls are teenagers, [things like] bedtime and 'screen time' are flexible depending on the amount of homework and extracurricular activities they have each night. When we, any one of us, feels there needs to be more focus on school, we communicate and implement plans together to make this occur. We are blessed that all parents and stepparents feel communication is key to support our children in the best manner. There have been times when communication has broken down, but I feel we have worked together to quickly re-establish it."

Buck agrees, saying the three things that help life run smoothly in a blended family are "consistency, communication and a positive attitude."

Crowley points out that co-parenting is hard, but that parents need to separate any negative feelings from their behavior.

"Don't speak negatively about the other parent (to your child)," says Crowley. "Stay 'kid focused' when they are with you and make it about their feelings, not yours."

Crowley also warns against putting the child in the middle of parents' disagreements.

"Never use your child as a messenger," she says. "Keep the issues that you have with the other parent to yourself."

Keys shares that faith has been a major component in helping her blended family flourish.

"Christ as the center of our family is the key," she says. "Next comes communication, clear and often between all parties. The times when we have had difficulties have typically been due to lack of communicating important events/feelings/assumptions. We pray about our decisions with our children ... and we pray for our children's parents/stepparents as well ..."

Crowley says parents need to take action if they notice a child's behavior in a blended family is declining.

"Try to make [the transitions] smooth for the kids, but if you notice that their behavior is changing, talk to the other parent about what you can do to make it better and easier for your kids. The rules don't have to be the same at both houses, but they need to be consistent at each household."

Keys points out that each child in a blended family has a different personality, and each one may need to be handled differently when it comes to expectations and discipline.

"We have also learned that we can't parent each child the same," says Keys. "What works for one does not work for the other. With our three girls, one child is a yeller, one is a crier and one is just wild at 3 years old. Each of them requires a different approach when disciplining, and using the wrong approach with the wrong kid can be disastrous."

Keys also says flexibility is important in a blended family.

"Never make your child feel bad for wanting to go to an event with the other parent, even if it's 'your' day," she says. "Try to be flexible. Parenting is hard. There is no rule book for every situation. Support one another and pray for one another."

Crowley points out that family counseling can provide some answers if problems persist in a blended family.

"Co-parenting and making compromises can be hard," she says. "Sometimes, a third party can [help you to] see things differently."