An overwhelming desire to be made new

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of separation and unfulfilled desires, counting the cost of everything.

I haven't been generous, I haven't been love, I haven't been a lot of things I want to be. I have been being my own judge, finding myself unworthy and allowing this judgment to keep me from moving forward and doing good again.

I have also been a lot of want. I have been wanting new clothes and new jewelry, a new haircut and a million other things new, to appear different, to "make" others see me as worthy.

What I am really wanting is to be made new -- for my God to be doing something new in me, something good, something deep, for him to be maturing me.

I am longing, too, to create, to be more than I am, or maybe, rather, to contribute all I am, to capture and add beauty to this world. Like he does.

My friend Claire said something really wise: We are not our own judge.

Our God has bought us with the blood of his Son; we are not our own. We don't have the privilege of declaring ourselves unworthy.

Our God has claimed us, paid a high price for us and his ruling's out: We are the apple of his eye. All we can do is say OK and believe it, too. Our sin does not change God's love for us; nothing can get us out of that predicament.

What sin does, though, is change our opinion of ourselves, our ability to openly receive God's love and openly give it to others. It turns us against ourselves and makes us see ourselves negatively, which is never how God views us. Because we see ourselves negatively, we think we're less or "bad," and treat ourselves that way.

We then allow others to treat us that way, and we, in turn, treat others that way. At least, this is what sin does to me. Maybe this is how our world has gotten in such the mess we're in; we don't believe our own utter dignity, the image we bear, God's absolute love for us.

I keep coming back to Ecclesiastes 11:5: "Just as you do not know how the life breath enters the human frame in the mother's womb, so you do not know the work of God, who is working in everything."

Everything. That word gives me great hope. Hope that I am not just languishing here, but that this, too, has purpose, that God is bringing good from this, leading me closer to himself, forming me as I need to be shaped.

It gives me great curiosity and amazement at the mystery, depth and goodness of a God I hope to more and more intimately know, of this God I am a part of.