Things you read in the paper -- and then wish you hadn't

Some of what you read in the newspaper can be a real eye-opener. Sometimes you see something interesting. Sometimes it's puzzling. Sometimes it gets your dander up. Sometimes you just shake your head and wonder.

Let me give you some examples.

There was the story a few days ago about a large truck involved in a highway accident. Accidents involving large trucks happen every day. What made this particular accident newsworthy was the fact that it was a McDonalds truck, and the accident left 500 pounds of french fries blocking the highway.

OK. Now you have my attention.

Some of us are old enough to remember french fries before McDonalds. That's when there were two kinds of french fries: regular and crinkle cut. The Zephyr Cafe next to the old high school in my favorite hometown in the Ozarks over yonder had the best crinkle-cut french fries in the world when I was growing up. Of course, I lived in a pretty small world. Still, I knew a great French fry when I ate one. That was at the same time that the little drive-in at the other end of town -- was it the Dairy Creme? -- had the best cherry milkshakes in the world.

Then along came the McDonalds french fries. This was in the 1960s when we were living in the Kansas City area. The first McDonalds opened on North Oak Street Trafficway, which was not too far from our house, and I took the trafficway to get to and from work. McDonalds' fries were skinny and crisp and ... perfect.

I assume the fries scattered all over the highway were uncooked. That's the down side of this story. I don't have a McDonalds fryer, and unless those fries are cooked a certain way, they won't taste right.

But for a moment -- just for a moment -- I had a vision of the super-duper-humongous-size order of McDonalds fries. I won't say it was a heavenly dream, but, folks, it came mighty close.

But look at me. Do I need more french fries? No! So the temptation of 500 pounds in one serving turned out to be a horror story after all.

I also scan the Public Notices in the newspaper. You know what I mean? It's the itty-bitty type with requests for bids and so forth. Much of the time the Public Notices have official information from governments -- school, city, county, state, federal. So I read them to see what government is up to.

I was immediately interested in a recent edition of the newspaper that contained this public notice: "City of Cape Girardeau, Missouri Notice to Bid for Sale of Real Estate." Hmm, I thought. The city is selling part of itself. Wonder what that is?

Turns out it's approximately 17 acres "and contains a former wastewater treatment facility." That's a dressed-up way of saying the city is trying to unload the old sewage plant, the one that failed to meet regulatory standards and routinely dumped raw sewage into the mighty Mississippi. The one that has been replaced by a new treatment facility costing millions and millions and millions of dollars. The one that cost so much your bill for city services -- sewers, trash, water -- has skyrocketed in recent years.

That one. A good real estate agent would call it a fixer-upper.

So, if you're looking for little bit of blight in a remote part of the city and don't mind sinkholes and periodic river flooding, you might want to look into this. And no, Rev. Rice of St. Louis, it would not make a good homeless shelter.

By the way: Since we taxpayers paid for the old sewage facility AND the new bigger, better, costlier one, does it make sense that when the old plant sells the proceeds should show up as a credit on our sewer bills? Just thinking out loud.

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Some of the newspaper's advertising inserts can be gold mines for interesting tidbits. But sometimes what you see in the paper can burn an image in your brain that you wish you had never been exposed to.

Take the ad for adult diapers. Honestly, do I really need to say more?

Well, yes. In this case, the aim of the ad was to convince young folks that they might want to wear a diaper. Here are the exact words from the ad: "Over 65 million Americans experience bladder leakage.

And nearly half are under age 50."

OK. I'll just have to take the diaper company's word for that. But that's not all. The ad featured two models, a man and woman, wearing the advertised product and little else. She looked to be all of 20-something, and he would have been more than 35 on a good day.

So, the afterimage the ad was intended to produce was this: If you dribble, don't worry. Wear one of our diapers and look half as young as you really are. Or more.

Good luck with this approach.

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Finally, one more quick bit of diaper news in the newspaper.

I am not making this up. I saw a picture -- maybe in The Wall Street Journal's online photos of the day -- of police officers in the Philippines, fully uniformed, trying on and holding up adult-sized diapers.

Why? The diapers were issued to thousands of officers who will be providing security during the pope's visit. All indicators point to a long day, and there will be no potty breaks for the police. So, the brass has decided: Make the best of it. Use the diaper.

There are probably many other -- and better -- solutions to this situation. Over yonder every respectable hillbilly carries a Mason quart jar in his pickup for just such urgencies. Maybe the pope ought to come visit us. And we have plenty of outhouses, too.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.