'The plan' is working

In the 15 years I've lived in Cape Girardeau, I've had six doctors.

No, I'm not a doctor shopper. All of these doctors have been affiliated with the same practice. For reasons known only to them, some of the doctors moved on to apply their medical skills in what I'm sure they considered to be greener pastures. One of the doctors retired.

I have duly warned my new doctor that I'm a jinx and he may want to put his house on the market. He said he had no plans to leave the practice or retire.

We'll see.

I had visited my new doctor briefly when he filled in for my regular doctor. Once for stopped up ears. And once for a cold. Exciting, huh?

Every year -- usually on the coldest, snowiest day of winter -- I have an annual physical. It's my way of checking to see if my doctor remembers all that stuff he learned in medical school.

One of the things all doctors learn is how to say is, "You need to lose weight and get more exercise."

I wonder if that's the best medical schools can come up with.

As a way of furthering my doctor's education, I take great pains to tell him that I am an expert at losing weight. In the last 40 years I have lost more than 600 pounds. I'm not kidding. When It comes to dieting, I know all the tricks.

I also am an expert at gaining weight. There is no dark mystery about why this happens. I love to eat. For example, I have never met a bowl of chili I didn't like -- unless it's one of the so-called healthy white chilis made with turkey or some other meat that barely belongs in soup, much less in a proper bowl of chili.

As you can see, I have strong feelings but few qualms about what goes into my stomach.

Not to assess any blame whatsoever, but I happened to be married to a great cook. Please notice that I did not say she likes to cook. But when she cooks, which is most dinners that we eat, they are scrumptious, even though neither of us has forgotten her experiment with a cheese souffle in our first year of marriage. The result was a substance so durable that we sold the patent to the Goodyear folks, and now your automobile's tires are that much safer.

The fact is, I can control my weight. It's doable. My doctor(s) would rather I lose weight and keep it off. It's just my luck that most of my doctors not only have no excess weight, but also are long-distance runners. I put this question to the court of public opinion: Which is worse? The physical down side of being overweight? Or the psychological damage caused by long-distance running?

OK. I understand the need for exercise. After all, I've been lectured about it 15 times in the last 15 years.

Thus, I have started the Save Joe From Another Doctor's Lecture Exercise Program.

So far I have about $75 invested in my new program: the cost of a new pair of proper walking shoes, the kind that you pay extra for because they have gel in them and are decorated with garish colors. But, golly, they're comfortable.

Here's my simple program: Walk to work. And walk home.

That's it.

It's about two miles from my house to my office. And, as it turns out, it's at least two miles -- all uphill -- from my office to my house.

That's four miles a day. When I told the doctor about my plan to walk four miles a day up and down hills along city streets, his face lit up like 25,000 points on a pinball machine.

See. It's working. That's part of my program: to make one doctor a year happy about a patient who actually listened to that lecture about exercise.

I like it when a good plan actually works.

jsullivan@semissourian.com;