MISSOURIANA

As far as income is concerned, the best stroke of fortune for Missouri farmers would be a tornado hitting their crops so they could qualify for federal emergency assistance.

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Both John Ashcroft and Mel Carnahan deny they are bleeding-heart conservationists. They're really not hugging trees. Just shaking them for campaign contributions.

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After an infusions of $3.4 billion, St. Louis and Kansas City schools are proof positive that mismanagement is expensive.

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The latest qualifications for becoming U.S. president are native birth, 30 years of age and knowing the names of the rulers of all the nations in the world.

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Political candidates are becoming so obnoxious these days that many voters are willing to let the two parties divide the spoils between them if they'll just leave the rest of us alone.

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Sociologists are still studying why Americans make such a big deal out of not knowing the ruler of India while being unable to locate the neighborhood voting precinct.

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After studying thousands of documents over several months, a federal judge learns enough technology to rule that Microsoft is monopoly.com.

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A computer child is a preschooler who can surf the Internet but hasn't learned how to tie his shoes.