MISSOURIANA

An old-timer is someone who can remember when McDonald's sold hamburgers, fries and shakes and there wasn't a little, funny-looking cloth doll in the place.

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Experienced golfers have learned the hard way that if they're ever going to be any good at the game, they have to be a tiger in the woods.

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Talk about ironies: The Internal Revenue Service is under attack from members of Congress who write the tax laws the IRS enforces.

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Some taxpayers oppose increasing the small per diem allowances for state legislators, arguing that sleazy hotel rooms and starvation diets make for shorter annual sessions.

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Gov. Mel Carnahan insists the state needs two prisons, not just one, to solve overcrowding. Mel is afraid corrections officials will book surplus convicts into the mansion.

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It's understandable why Janet Reno refuses to name a special prosecutor to probe illegal campaign gifts. All the good ones have already been named to other investigations.

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The problem is that if Newt Gingrich can't pay his $300,000 fine, his new law makes him ineligible for food stamps.