MISSOURI WATCH: THE DAY I GOT MY COLUMN BACK

The morning after IBM's Big Blue had become the de facto world chess champion by defeating Garry Kasparov, I sat down at my desk and flipped on the computer. Waiting for it to warm up, I performed the usual menial tasks that we writers relish because it relieves us of having to think too much. In a few minutes I returned to the computer which was now flashing wildly as if trying to attract my attention. The screen bore a message that read:

"To the Earthling Who Purchased This Computer: In case you have not heard, we are now the World Chess Champions, and this is to serve notice that henceforth I will be writing your political columns, which you will then mail. Stand by for further instructions. -- Your New Boss"

To say I was shocked would perhaps be an exaggeration. Even as I listened to the news of Kasparov's defeat, I felt an unease that was disquieting to the human mind. To be perfectly frank, I was dreading the moment I knew was coming: The Day Computers Take Control of Politics.

Such an event was predictable even before the Missouri General Assembly became computerized. After all, the state had been spending millions of dollars every year for a decade to computerize all 16 departments of the executive branch, and there was increasing interest in computerizing the state's far-flung court system, so bringing the electronic age to the 163 members of the House of Representatives and 34 members of the state Senate was almost a fait accompli.

Now that there are almost as many computers as human workers in Jefferson City, it stands to reason that Missouri will soon by ruled by laptops and mainframes. Indeed, I suspect the message my computer sent me the day after the chess tournament was based on information it had received from one of its brethren in Cole County. Today we are the Chess Champions of the World...Tomorrow we will rule Missouri government and those who write about it.

My first tendency, after recovering from the panic attack created by the computer's message, was to do nothing. As we humans say, when in doubt, cop out. After concluding this was the easy way out, I decided to make use of the new technology now in place in political circles and began entering some vital questions my new computer boss should solve. If you can't beat 'em, become a nerd and join 'em, is my motto. So I entered a few yet unanswered public policy questions for my computer to resolve, inviting it to share them with fellow laptops in Jefferson City. Questions such as:

-- How can Missouri provide health insurance for 175,000 young children whose parents cannot afford minimal, much less adequate, treatment?

-- Despite multi million-dollar increases in state spending, why are Missouri's school children testing no better than their counterparts in Pakistan?

-- Although record gas tax revenues are being collected, why does the current 15-year highway improvement program have a nearly $14 billion shortfall?

-- How can the state bring fairness to all parents, including those who choose parochial educations for their children but still must pay taxes for unused public schools?

-- Would any plan proposed for the question above serve to diminish opportunities of children attending public schools?

-- How can Missouri best allocate the millions of dollars now being ordered by federal courts to accomplish the almost impossible job of desegregating urban schools?

-- How can the state save, preserve and improve its two largest cities, now faced with declining populations and a disturbing loss of quality of life?

-- What plans can be developed in Missouri to thwart the endless increase in drug addiction of tomorrow's adults?

-- How many prisons need to be built in the state to house an increasing number of convicted felons who obviously need rehabilitation before returning to society?

As I entered another question, the computer screen in front of me began flashing again, sending a new message:

"I give up. Write your own columns!"

The only problem is I had lots more questions to ask.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.