MISSOURI WATCH: LIFE IN THE CLICHE LANE

We Americans have long resorted to cliches when dealing with certain subjects which are displeasing or alarming, such as a death in the family, an unintended pregnancy by an unmarried daughter, . a sudden reversal of family fortunes. The psychiatrists and other witch doctors say this is perfectly normal and acceptable, since the practice helps us deal with events wed just as soon not be forced to handle.

But these days if one listens to our nation's elected officials, particularly those residing in the District of Columbia, one suddenly realizes that just about every living creature residing within the Beltway (a word that should immediately raise a red flag) uses cliches not only to deal with life's unpleasant moments but as integral parts of the English language, as spoken in the American Colonies.

Next to the Constitution, perhaps no document in our nation's capital gets more attention than the unabridged Dictionary of American Cliches. Without this book, one could not survive in Washington for more than a week, 10 days tops. The dictionary is essential for understanding anything at all that is occurring among the marble temples that house government officials, bureaucrats and others who derive their livelihood by outsmarting the rest of us.

Because of their size, make-up and transient population, two areas in Washington appear to. use the cliche dictionary more than other segments in the city: Congress and the White House, with the former being the liveliest, most prolific consumer of silly synonyms. Being honest and dedicated gentlemen, it's quite possible that Washington, Adams and Jefferson rejected the use of cliches in the belief that to use words with less precise meanings was actually duplicitous, if not downright dishonest. Somehow it's impossible to envision Tom Jefferson using phrases like "buying the store" or "ballpark figures" while discussing the machinations of the federal government.

If one listens to C-Span on a regular basis, one eventually begins to recognize the various uses of cliches and how they are utilized by those who swear they are in public service only to make a contribution to society. Cliches in the hands of experts are near visions of perfect mental dexterity, while when used by mere beginners, these synonyms come off sounding clumsy, even pathetic.

Listening to a seasoned member of Congress discuss the budget deficit is like hearing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony for the very first time. The seasoned politician never ever uses forbidden words such as deficit or liability. Instead, the veteran will move cautiously toward the subject, with something like, "As Ev Dirksen was fond of saying, a billion here and a billion there and pretty soon you're talking real money." When you hear an experienced pol use these words, you know the news is going to be bad and any expectations, you might have had about receiving full Social Security benefits are about to "cross the great divide," to borrow a cliche from another situation.

Describing political enemies, of which there are many in the Beltway, the cliche expert has almost outdone himself. Here are just a few samples: "meaner than a junkyard dog," "a take-no-prisoners kind of guy," "a well-meaning but misguided liberal idealist," and the list goes on but you get the idea.

When asked about the results of a disastrous election, the real veteran will never go out of his gourd but will insist on setting the rules of discussion so that he can lambast anyone who even thought about voting by saying something like, "I'd rather not tell you about the sinister tactics of our enemies, so let me share with you some of the moral pluses of the electoral processes in general."

Unfortunate voting patterns are never defeats, but only "wake up calls" for the Democrats or Republicans. To correct these results, the injured party must "define the debate" or "reshape the negative image." As for what kind of change is envisioned within the Beltway, this is always a "sea change."

Aggressive politicians are never labeled as disgusting or irritating or piggish boors. Rather they become "in-your-face debaters" and if they have more than a few followers they become "the poster child" of a "knee-jerk constituency."

Never forget that in the world of cliches, politicians never seek personal power, bigger bank accounts or serious national publicity. That is left to mere mortal souls, for ,the veteran only pursues an "agenda." It may be a conservative, liberal, constituent, ideological, financial, constructive, devious, radical, ultra-right, ultra-left---but it is always an agenda. Of course, behind this agenda may be the pol's wife, mistress, mother-in-law, alcoholic aunt, criminal cousin or unclean uncle, but these are never identified in the world of cliches. Instead, behind agendas are "The Establishment" or "The Power Structure" or "The Old Boy Network" or "The Radical Right/Left/Center."

And those who are behind agendas can be found in a wide assortment of "Communities" that are prefixed by such words as Defense, Gay, Intelligence, Arts, Law Enforcement, Welfare, Legal, Arms Control, Academic, Health Care, Sports, Media and Special Interest.

In the cliche community, unknown facts are always a "cover-up." And we don't read more about this abhorrent situation because of, you guessed it, "The Media Elite." If it is even more sinister, it's identified as "The Eastern Liberal Media Elite." This brand of elitism is worse than "Watergate" and "Koreagate" and "Iran-Contragate" and the more up-to-date "Whitewatergate."

For solutions to problems within the Beltway, our cliche connoisseur has a ready answer: "a watchdog agency." But the answer does not require "a rocket scientist," which is helpful because this group is in short supply in Washington.

As for when a particular problem will be solved, our cliche expert has a ready quote on hand, which has served him well for decades. "It won't be over," our hero announces with a twinkle in his eye and a furrow on his brow, "till the fat lady sings." I just heard a rumor she bought the farm.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.