MISSOURI WATCH: INTERVIEW WITH OLD-TIME POL, PHIL A. BUSTER

I have, once again, been asked to conduct an in-depth interview with a famous person. And, once again, I have accepted the challenge, not only because I sometimes grow tired of interviewing current political celebrities but also because, by now, I can almost write their answers before they can even get started. For example:

Q: As an important political figure in this state, what do you consider your greatest challenge?

A: Missouri is at the crossroads. We must choose between good or evil, democracy or anarchy, carefully fashioned budgets or wasteful spending.

See what I mean? The above Q. and A. could be with anyone in Jefferson City or any other state capital in the nation. It occurs with even greater frequency in Washington.

In the event you might prefer cured ham to city ham, here is a glimpse of a former public official, one who has reached an age when a vigorous, hectic campaign around the state has become, if not mentally impossible, at least physically so. Getting out of bed in the morning is a big chore for this retired politician, but despite his infirmities, he still keeps up with what is happening in the Capitol. Perhaps he will reveal at least one or two deep, dark secrets of the political world, truths that are simply not available to current aspirants because they lack a perspective of history. So below is that interview, conducted just the other day, with a once well known political figure: Phil A. Buster, who lives just outside Peculiar, Mo.

Q: At one time you were one of the leading political figures in the state of Missouri?

A: Ah, yes, it was the golden age of politics, a time when men were men and women weren't always butting into matters they didn't understand.

Q: I take it you don't approve of women in politics?

A: It was the ruination of everything our great state stands for! The day they let women vote, back in 1920, was a dark moment in our beloved state's history. Besides, it was a woman who ran against me and had the ingratitude to beat me in my very last campaign.

Q: What other "dark moments" can you recall in your long political career?

A: The death of the political machine, boy. Why, 50 years ago we could deliver votes faster than FedEx can bring you a letter. Back then, citizens knew who to vote for, and nine elections out of ten, we didn't even have to tell them.

Q: As you look back on your career, what are some of the highlights?

A: Well, one time I remember Sen. Harry putting his arm around me and telling me what a great public servant I was. Then there was the time we almost stole the election from that little lawyer from St. Louis, back in 1940, and we almost got good old Larry McDaniel elected. Would have, too, if those lousy socialist no-good political reporters hadn't lied about what we were up to. We were only trying to save the voters of this great state from four years of reform.

Q: Be that as it may, you have to admit Forrest Donnell was a good leader who got us started toward court reform, electoral reform and fiscal restraint.

A: I ain't admittin' nothin'. The state had no right sticking its nose in affairs that didn't concern nobody.

Q: Can you recall when you supported any kind of reform in the state?

A: Sure can, young feller. To counter such socialist ideas as voter registration, we pushed for a poll tax, which would not only keep the uneducated from the right of franchise but would also raise some badly needed cash for county schools. Dadburn newspapers nearly scalded us alive with that.

Q: Speaking of raising money for public schools, do you approve of the current tolerance toward casino gambling?

A: Glad you asked me that. Greatest boon to our prosperity since lobbyists got expense accounts. You know, we had organized gambling around here, years ago, when old Boss Tom was running things. Worked great, too. We had slot machines and punchboard games that paid off in cash. Folks really enjoyed those games, too, although most of the proceeds went to keep the Kansas City group in power. We never saw any of the benefits in these parts.

Q: Speaking of benefits, how do you view the present devolution of social services from Washington to Jefferson City?

A: I don't know nothin' about no devolution. Is that like some revolution? Are you spouting socialism here, fellow? Just keep a civil tongue n your mouth.

Q: No, I mean transferring federal authority and responsibility to the states in the area of welfare.

A: Oooh, that. Yeah. Well, you see back in my time, we took care of all that welfare, right at home. We had county poor farms and our political clubs handed out food to whoever was hungry and we even gave away bags of coal to keep families warm in the winter. You don't have big hearts like we used to have. And those folks who got relief, they were always nice and polite and never got uppity at election time. Oh, we had to remind a few from time to time what was good for them, but mostly they were appreciative. Not like today's rabble.

Q: I take it you're not much on serious attempts to help families improve themselves?

A: Of course, I am. The trouble is, we're doing too much. Folks get ungrateful, just like voters when an outstanding public servant gets beat because they claim he doesn't care about democracy. Be sure and write that down.

Q: A last question? What do you miss the most?

A: Just one more term in office. And, don't forget, Missouri is at the crossroads. We must choose between good or evil, democracy or anarchy, carefully fashioned budgets or... .

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.