MISSOURI WATCH: BILINGUALISM IS ALIVE AND WELL

Gov. Mel Carnahan recently signed into law a measure enacted during this year's General Assembly making English the common language of Missouri. As America's pluralism becomes more and more obvious, numerous states have enacted assorted decisions on which languages are acceptable in courts of law, schools and even on signs in public buildings. So it's hardly surprising the Show-Me State would take steps to affirm unequivocal, undying support of the King's English.

The problem is that bilingualism, which Webster describes as "the use or ability to speak two languages," has existed for years in state capitals and Washington, D.C., and despite valiant efforts on the part of well-intentioned citizens, not only remains with us but gives evidence of rapid growth.

National and state politicians have spoken two languages for years, and the more accomplished of the lot have not only become proficient in the art, they have plowed new ground and have taken it to the highest level of political achievement: the ability to speak not only coherent English but in addition a language that probably originated the day some ancient Greek or Roman politician rose to address a captive audience at a public slave auction.

So important is this language skill that those who fail to master its intricacies are doomed to a life of electoral failure and may have to settle for a job as Assistant Deputy Inspector of Weights & Scales in some department of agriculture. A politician who can't master fluent bilingualism is like a politician who has lost the ability to speak out of both sides of his mouth. You can imagine how debilitating that is.

The ability to use a language seldom taught in any classroom, save one in a university political science department, is absolutely essential when a lawmaker is called upon to describe why he supports an action that even his own mother wouldn't vote for. The ability to communicate in two languages is the most important ingredient of any tax measure ever proposed or voted on in government. When an elected official feels the fate of the republic is at stake unless more money starts coming into the treasury, he must utilize all the skill he can muster to speak in a language that will somehow convey the urgency of the situation and that will help ameliorate his pledge in the last campaign not to increase a single tax levy during his current term in office.

So prevalent is bilingualism in political circles that no living American has ever heard an elected official declare that he was lying when he promised no-new-taxes or that he was too dumb to know what was really needed in the state. Ever hear a politician use either of these explanations? I haven't and if a reader has, the chances are the poor guy was in a straitjacket and headed for the nearest mental ward.

Tax increases are not the only occasion for utilization of bilingualism, which is de rigueur whenever there is a controversial issue facing a state or nation. Our incumbent President, seemingly one of the most successful politicians of this era, has spoken two languages since he first entered politics, an art he may have picked up while studying in England or law school. Anyone remember Bill Clinton mentioning the need to increase federal taxes during those pre-Monica days of 1992? Or how about any mention of designating his wife as the founding mother of a national health program? Some of the sexual exploits attributed to Mr. Clinton have caused him to stretch his bilingual skills to the maximum, employing the prized skill of redefining various acts of extramarital sex.

But the President is hardly the only one in the capital to make frequent, even daily, use of bilingualism, even if he is among the more proficient at using two languages to explain one subject. Proving they are no less adept than Mr. Clinton, Republicans utilize their skills almost as well, although some like Speaker Newt Gingrich occasionally get so carried away they get their syntax fouled up, which isn't so bad since a slip only serves to reinforce their human qualities.

And, now, for the bilingual kicker. You see, public figures aren't the only ones to employ this beneficial skill, for we citizens do it as well, if not with the degree of proficiency of our political mentors. Yes, we citizens speak at least two languages, and even, on special occasions, may revert to a third or fourth one.

How many citizens reading these words went to the polls the last time your city, school district or county held a special election? Given the puny polling numbers, the chances are pretty good that you didn't cast a ballot at the last opportunity. And why? Well, as you explained when a twinge of conscience struck, you were much too busy to take 30 minutes from your schedule. Or you simply forgot. Or you meant to go but you were too busy delivering cookies to the poor. Whatever the reason, the truth is you "double-lipped" on your obligations of citizenship.

Or how about the widespread bilingual use when citizens complain about an action by their elected officials? No, you voiced no opposition to what you believe was their serious misdeed, wrote no letter of protest or suggested an alternative to what you viewed as error. Confronting our own lack of citizenship, we resort to the other language we save for such occasions and castigate all officials, regardless of their abilities, and swear that we will pay even less attention to politics in the future. Even as we make such declarations, we recognize that we're copping a plea, while speaking words that shouldn't really be a part of any American's vocabulary.

Bilingualism is alive and well, and to make matters worse, those in government and those being governed frequently speak it fluently out of both sides of our mouths.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.