MISSOURI WATCH: A PLEA TO SAVE AMERICA -- MISSOURI TOO

"The time is right for corporate America to join in a productive partnership with the American people to help preserve our national parks." -- U.S. Parks Director Roger Kennedy

It was, by all the rules of logic and reasoning, inevitable. In this brief time remaining in the 20th century, let it be known that the United States Government brought forth on this nation a new idea, born of Adam Smith, and dedicated to the proposition that all taxes are evil and that the budget once and for all should be in balance.

At a time when capitalistic free-enterprise commerce is rapidly becoming the ruling religion of the entire world, it is refreshing to know that we Americans have hit upon the best idea since non-returnable bottles. With bipartisan support in the U.S. Senate and with the endorsement of numerous officials within the Clinton administration, a plan has been hatched to make available corporate sponsorship of our national parks, enabling these public playgrounds to receive at long last sufficient funding to maintain them in adequate fashion.

Although not everyone has been heard from, the idea already has enough support in Washington to project its passage. As noted above, the director of the U.S. Park Service has already signed on. Can Smokey the Bear be far behind?

There may be those who believe that once we secure Fuji Film as a corporate sponsor for all national parks in northern California, the project will be completed. This just proves these folks haven't been paying attention to what's been happening in America in recent years. Not only are we following the wise counsel of Adam Smith, Andrew Carnegie and John D. Rockefeller in overpaying our already overpaid corporate presidents, we are making strides in balancing the costs for these salaries with low wages for those who perform the labor.

At the same time that national policy has been dedicated to increasing the economic gap between the rich and the poor, we have also been assiduously working to lower taxes and increase public services. This has not only attracted widespread support for both concepts, it has become the mantra of every presidential candidate for the past quarter of a century. Naturally, none of the successful candidates knew how to implement their promises, and as a result the American people now owe the- next generation of Americans the paltry sum of, at last count, only $5.1 trillion. I have no idea how much money this is. The unfortunate fact is that no one else on this planet does either.

The hard work that has gone into increasing the gap between rich and poor and the effort that has been made to lower taxes and increase services has left us in a bit of a dilemma, namely an annual deficit that runs anywhere from $150 billion to $400 billion, each and every fiscal year. I feel it is incumbent to note that I have the same ignorance about billions of dollars as I do about trillions. I never saw a billion dollars, and the troubling fact is, none of the people in Washington who use the word "billion" seven or eight times a day also have no idea how much money that is.

Which helps explain why America is in such great difficulty for the nonce. Arriving just in time to save us all is this idea for securing corporate sponsorship of national parks. Except, of course, we cannot stop with national parks. We must follow our free-enterprise dream, which is to widen the gap between rich and poor, increase the salaries of overpaid executives and provide lower taxes while delivering more services. The answer, my friend, is in broadening the corporate sponsorship concept.

Take Congress, for starters. Obviously just letting these people come to Washington and try to run the government is very, very expensive. We can save billions in salaries, expenses, junkets and sex-filled weekends by letting some corporation sponsor the whole business. This should be a lucrative contract since many corporations are accustomed to trying to buy Congress every year, so we should have bidders from such corporations as General Motors, Chase Manhattan, General Electric and Amoco. Let them fight it out, I say, and to the highest bidder goes Congress. Frankly, there's a good chance nobody will even notice.

Turning the Pentagon over to corporate sponsorship should be just as easy, since Defense Department purchasing officers have been buying $350 toilet seats for years. Our generals could solicit bids from McDonnell Douglas, Boeing and U.S. Arms and no one would be the wiser, except for a change of pace, the defense contractors would have direct control over military disbursements rather than having to rely on such sly tricks of the trade as cost overruns. This new system really makes things neat and we taxpayers are liable to save a bundle.

Let the health-care companies bid for the corporate sponsorship of the Department of Health and Human Services, with some sub-sponsorships put out for bid from the American Medical Association and Blue Cross and Blue Shield. We may not get better health services, but at least we will feel better knowing that Medicare and Medicaid are being underwritten by the groups that have been getting wealthy off them.

Federal courthouses, of course, have a natural sponsor constituency: the American Bar Association. Who, after all, makes money from federal courthouses? Not the poor devil who is a defendant, but the lawyers paid to represent him. Under the present arrangement, lawyers don't even have to pay rent.

Think now, who should sponsor the U.S. Treasury Department? You're catching on. The answer to this easy question is, naturally, the American Bankers Association, whose members not only ,can borrow cheap money but get paid for going bankrupt.

Just wait till we move our plan to the states. Have I got a list of great corporate sponsors for Missouri!

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.