MISSOURI WATCH: A FABLE: POPPYCOCK AMENDMENT SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS 1794-STYLE

As Missourians prepared to move into the 21st century, they were presented a proposed constitutional amendment that sponsors promised would save them from their increasing dissatisfaction with modern-day life and times. Like their fellow citizens all across America, Missourians had grown weary of the travails of the 20th century and longed for a simpler time when, as many were wont to say, "a man's word was a man's word," whatever that meant.

The appearance of the new amendment was greeted warmly by virtually everyone in Missouri, where living had grown more and more troublesome, what with modern conveniences, modern thinking and modern inventions complicating daily lives. "We're living in misery," declared the state's harassed citizens, whose only memories of days gone by had been supplied by elderly grandparents. "Let's return to the time of our ancestors and recapture those happy times while declaring null and void any of the changes that have occurred in the past century," they shouted, almost as one, as they joyfully went to the polls and gave their overwhelming support to a proposal that was known as the Poppycock Amendment, named in honor of a Southwest Missourian named Homer Amendment.

As Homer Amendment explained the Poppycock proposal, Missourians would agree to return to conditions that existed in their state 200 years before, agreeing that in return for the luxury of a simple and uncomplicated life, they would also forgo all the modern foolishness that had made their lives a living hell. "We can recapture the glory of the past," Amendment said as he journeyed around the state promoting his Poppycock idea. "Your leaders have lied to you," he charged, "and they have deceived you into believing that you are better off today than when your ancestors were clearing their hallowed land to plant maze and grow oxen. Don't let them fool you. The answer to a better life is Poppycock," he declared.

"Yes, Poppycock is true wisdom," the voters answered as they trudged to the polls, all 18 percent of them, in a valiant effort to improve their fortunes and enhance their lives.

With the passage of the Poppycock Amendment, Missouri was suddenly transformed to the year 1794, and almost immediately, citizens greeted a new age, although it was really a much older age. One of the first changes they observed was the economy, which immediately became much simpler and less complex. For one thing, the people had virtually no dollars and were forced to rely on gold and silver for purchases, since the federal government had not established a national currency in 1794. Nevertheless, consumers were delighted to find that groceries, when they were available, were much less expensive, and that one of the favorite foods of the day, a McBuffalo Burger, sold for only 2 cents. There was some dissatisfaction, however, when Missourians discovered their pay checks would be considerably smaller, with weekly salaries averaging about 15 cents for an 80-hour work week.

"We can live in poverty and economic exploitation," the people decided, "as long as we can be safe from crime in the streets and in our neighborhoods." And, sure enough, crime in the streets disappeared almost immediately, principally because there were no streets 200 years ago, only cow paths that didn't qualify as thoroughfares. As for crime in the neighborhoods, it increased somewhat because of the poor economy, but just as in modern times, there were plenty of get-tough ideas on how to deal with criminals. That brought a return of public hangings in every county in the state, and since there were no courts of appeal, executions were held the day following the trials. When it was discovered that several innocent persons were improperly hanged on the courthouse square, some voiced concern about the loss of rights for the accused. This became less of a problem when hangings were preferred over jails, which lacked sanitary conditions and had a higher death rate than crime-infested urban neighborhoods that existed before Poppycock.

Modern-day concerns over racial tensions were quickly resolved, with native Americans rounded up and herded onto small reservations and Afro-Americans arrested and sold as slaves to wealthy landowners. Many minorities fled the state, seeking better lives in Haiti, Somalia and Rwanda.

Before the Poppycock Amendment, many Missourians were concerned about bloated government and the proliferation of programs that interfered with the lives of citizens, but with the proposal's passage, the state was forced to close down the departments of Elementary and Secondary Education, Health, Social Services, Mental Health, Highways and Transportation, Higher Education, Conservation, Economic Development and Corrections. Not only was the cost of state government immediately reduced, thousands of bureaucrats were discharged and sent back to live with their families and relatives.

Savings were multiplied when Missouri shut down its public schools, colleges and universities, mental hospitals, penitentiaries and turned out nearly 20,000 convicted criminals, 85,000 mentally ill and retarded patients and stopped sending food stamps to hundreds of thousands of poor and needy men, women and children. The influx of these citizens, complicated by the state's embargo of polio, malaria and flu vaccines, created a health hazard that had not been experienced in Missouri since 1794. Objections to these conditions, primarily from women's organizations whose members experienced the added responsibility of caring for these citizens, were dismissed since women did not have the right to vote and were treated as second-class citizens. Objections over canceled services that had been instituted over the years for senior citizens were answered by the re-establishment of county farms.

"We're living in a State of Misery," Poppycock supporters said. And that's how Missouri got its new name.

~Jack Stapleton is a Kennett columnist for the Southeast Missourian.