If the customer gets too smart, what happens next?

It's hard to say when all this started. Maybe you were paying attention and have a better notion about exact dates.

Let's just say that some time ago a funny thing started to happen.

I know. I know. Lots of funny things happen all the time. But this is a particular funny thing that I've been trying for a long time to figure out. And now that I think have a clue about what's going on, I'm worried.

Once you figure out something, the big question is this: What's next?

I mean, what if you figure this out but can't cope with what's waiting for you just around the bend? Should you go ahead an get the answer to whatever is on your mind right now, or should you just leave it alone in hopes the Next Big Thing stays put, wherever it is?

OK. Here's the deal.

Several years ago -- once again, as I said, I don't remember exactly when -- I began having these strange encounters at the concession stands of movie theaters. It goes something like this:

Perky Teenager Behind the Counter: May I help you?

Me: I'd like a large popcorn and a small diet soda.

PTBC: If you upgrade that to the No. 1 Special, you'll get two medium drinks for only 50 cents more.

M: No thank you. My wife and I will share a small soda.

PTBC: You do understand, sir, that there are no free refills on small drinks.

M: Yes. A small drink is plenty for both of us.

PTBC: But if you get thirsty halfway through that giant tub of popcorn, you would have plenty to drink with the No. 1 Special.

M: No, thanks. Just the large popcorn. And a small diet soda.

PTBC (with rolling eyes, which means, "Old people. You just can't figure them out"): OK. That'll be $12.50.

M (in shock): What? (I hand the PTBC a ten and three ones.)

PTBC: Sir, it's not too late. You can get the No. 1 Special for $13.

M: No, thanks. But could I have an extra cup?

PTBC: What? An extra cup? What for?

M: I'll pour half the diet soda into the extra cup, and then my wife and I will each have a drink of our own.

PTBC: I'm sorry, sir, but I'll have to charge an extra dollar.

M: For an empty cup?

PTBC: Yes, sir.

M: So let me get this straight. I could get the No. 1 Special with two medium cups full of diet soda for 50 cents more, or I can get a small diet soda with an extra empty cup for a dollar more? Right?

PTBC: Yes.

M (with a huge sigh): OK. Give me the No. 1 Special.

PTBC: Good choice, sir. I knew you'd come around.

As I walk over to meet my wife on the way into the show, she looks at the tub of popcorn and the two medium drinks. Her eyebrows go up. "I thought you were going to get a small drink to share," she says.

I reply, "Someday I'll try to explain it to you." I was stalling for time, because I couldn't make heads or tails out of what just happened.

Last week I went to my favorite fast-food hamburger place. I can tell you exactly when I had my first cheeseburger from this well-known national -- international -- chain. It was 1966, shortly after we were married. The hamburger place opened on North Oak Street Trafficway in North Kansas City, the first of its kind in the KC metropolitan area. I consider that place to be something of a shrine. Really, I do.

I ordered a double cheeseburger with fries and -- you guessed it -- a small diet soda.

Perky Teenager Behind the Counter 2: Sir, the No. 3 combo comes with a large drink, and it's cheaper.

Me: What do you mean it's cheaper?

PTBC2: I can't give you the No. 3 combo price if you change the size of the drink.

M: OK. Let's try this. I want the No. 3 combo, large drink and all. When you hand me the large drink cup, I will pay for the No. 3 combo. Then I will hand you the large drink cup and, as pleasantly as I can, ask to trade it for a small drink cup. How about that?

PTBC2: Sorry, sir, I would have to charge extra for that.

M: Well, as long as I have to pay extra, I would like one of my all-beef patties to be medium well and the other one medium-rare. And instead of large fries, could I get two medium fries? And could I get my large cup filled with half diet cola and half diet root beer? Please?

PTBC2 (without batting an eye): "Sir, we don't have diet root beer.

M (with a huge sigh): I'll take The No. 3 combo, please.

PTBC2: Good choice, sir.

So. Maybe, like me, you have been wondering what's up with upgrading sodas for a measly amount of money? Here's a little multiple-choice test to see if you've been paying attention. Ready?

A. Stores that offer bigger sodas for less money do it because they really, really like you.

B. Stores that do this get to deduct free sodas from their taxes.

C. Stores that charge an extra 50 cents to upgrade from a small to a large soda incur extra costs of about 0.001 cents, or about the same as your current CD rate.

D. All of the above.

I know the answer. If you think you do, jot it down somewhere and ask me the next time you see me. I'll grade your test on the spot.

Maybe we could have a diet soda. I like small, but since I'm buying we'll both have large.

What the heck. Make it extra-large.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.