HOW POLITICIANS ARE BORN

I know, I know, the last thing on your mind right now is Missouri politics. This is the vacation season, the time of year when everyone frets about the weather even though no one can do a thing about it, the critical period between the All-Star Game and the World Series, the time to admire once again the golfing skills of Tiger Woods. Hey, nobody's thinking about politics except the wonks.

Well, while you're worrying about the managerial skills of the Kansas City Royals and the lack of hitting power amongst the Cardinal batting order, some of your fellow Missourians are living through sheer hell, the most important period in their still-somnolent political careers, a time of anguish and decision, a moment of reflection that stretches from minutes to hours to days to weeks, even months. Please give them a little slack because anytime now, they're about to decide ...

WHETHER TO RUN FOR POLITICAL OFFICE!

Now I know this may not seem to be a critical issue for the average citizen, even the average voter, and you're right. The last thing we Missourians need to worry about, after we're through fretting about that $14 billion highway construction shortfall and the possibility of an increase in the state sales tax after it has just been reduced for food purchases is whether some putative politician files for an office, either in 1998 or the year 2000.

But as an unconcerned and don't-give-a-damn voter, you're toying with the very essence of this state's political structure. By its very definition, this is decision time for all the future senators, governors, legislators, county commissioners and coroners all over the state.

Perhaps you haven't caught the magic of the moment. But picture, if you possibly can summon up the interest, a young lawyer who has long dreamed of becoming governor of this state. Believe me, the number of young lawyers out there who have long harbored such ambitions would frighten even your alcoholic brother-in-law. Now let's just say, for speculative purposes only, that this young lawyer has an equally young wife and a couple of kids, and while his present practice pays for the groceries and the rent, he isn't in any danger of equaling Bill Gates' asset sheet for some time. And, besides, he really isn't too keen on practicing law in the second place, and the only reason he started studying torts was because his grandmother made him promise to follow her wishes while on her death bed, where she remained for the better part of a decade.

Our young governor-to-be has really handled all the wills, divorces and property-line disputes he can tolerate. And, following the distinguished career path of many of his fellow lawyers, he envisions himself, first as a state representative, then after a couple of terms a state senator, and then he makes the really big jump to either a state office or a member of Congress. From then on. his inner voice tells him, it's home at the Mansion for eight years, then, who knows?

With these visions filling his every conscious moment, we have before us, ladies and gentlemen, a future candidate for high public office, perhaps the next governor of the Great State of Missouri, even a potential national leader who will someday assume the awful burdens of the American presidency.

I know Lewis Carroll did it better in 'Alice in Wonderland," but this is how every county, every congressional district, every office in Jefferson City gets its future leaders. Political dreams are the stuff of the future, and why not? Unlike today's corporate world, there's no downsizing, because whoever heard of a public office being eliminated? There are no salary cutbacks to meet stock underwriter demands, because it's virtually against God and the Constitution to have a paycheck reduction in political office.

And let's not forget the other perks. The hours are good because elective officials set their own. The pensions are excellent, and health insurance is an automatic perk. There's no rent on office space, cars are usually provided without cost, along with your choice of credit cards, phone service and unlimited postage-paid stationery.

To make matters even rosier, you can seek this new career on other people's money, and even if you lose, the rules of the game say that you don't have to pay anyone back.

And all this time you thought the only thing you had to worry about was how many games the Rams will lose this year!

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.