For your eyes only: Missy Kitty's official relocation report

Notice to readers: Here is Missy Kitty's official report, duly filed with the Humane Society and anyone else she thought might take the time to read it, concerning a recent displacement incident. What you are about to read is not a complaint, but Missy Kitty warns certain humans not to push the envelope too far. Or else.

n

Those hot, muggy days at the end of July were enough to make a cat swoon. I mean it. When you wear a fur coat all the time, you can't put on shorts and a T-shirt and flip-flops to stay cool. It can't be done.

Fortunately, doing what a cat does well -- sleeping -- is the best thing a cat can do when it's 100 degrees and the humidity is 100 percent, which is exactly what happened at the end of July. Remember?

So I was snoozing away when all sorts of strange people showed up at the house where I let my humans sleep as long as they don't interfere with my lifestyle. I thought everything was hunky-dory, so why were all these strangers hurrying around and making all that noise? Sometimes a cat has to wonder about the human species, but it doesn't do any good to waste much time on that topic.

These strangers were taking stuff belonging to my humans and putting it in boxes. Then they were loading the boxes on a big truck -- bigger than both my humans' cars put together. They did not, however, attempt to load my chair, the one where I do most of my indoor sleeping, onto the big truck, thank goodness. Believe it or not, I managed to sleep through two days of packing and bustling and strangers and that gigantic truck taking up most of the driveway.

And then it happened. I never saw it coming.

One of my humans picked me up out of a sound sleep and cooed and petted me like he cared about me. And then he stuck me in the dreaded cat carrier. You know what happens when a cat gets put in a cat carrier? The cat gets taken to a place where a person called a vet -- not a veteran, mind you -- pokes and prods and sends you home. This happens once a year, and I'm always caught off guard.

So, I did what any true member of the cat species would do. I screamed and hollered. I let the world know that a cat was in dire distress and in need of rescue. I laid it on thick, let me tell you. I did not want to be in a cat carrier. No sirree!

Well, the humans who took me out of the house in the carrier put me in a car. I screeched even louder. They drove away from my territory. Everything smelled different. I screeched to high heaven.

Then the car stopped. One of the humans left, and I was stuck in the air-conditioned car with the other human who tried to soothe me, but I wasn't going to let that happen. If you give an inch to humans, they'll always take a mile. You know that.

Then the human in the car turned on the satellite radio. She tried a classical station. She tried an opera station. As she was dialing the radio, she came across music I actually liked. I had to stop yelling just to listen to the pretty music. My human said: "Well, what do you know. You're a country music fan. Who knew?" Well, I knew. I didn't know it was called country music, but I know what I like.

A few minutes later, we were off in the car again. We didn't go far until we pulled up in a driveway in a neighborhood I'd never been to before. There were those moving people again, only this time they were taking stuff off the big truck and putting it in a strange house. Whoa! There goes my chair. MY CHAIR! What's going on?

Pretty soon I was hauled inside the strange house. My humans opened the carrier and let me out. I felt like running for the hills, but I didn't know which way the hills were. Have you ever had that feeling?

I noticed a big painting from the old house was leaning against a wall in the corner of the room. So I ran behind it, and I stayed there all day until all the hubbub died down and it got dark. When I came out, my humans made a fuss about it. Hey, all I did was come out from behind a painting. What's the big deal?

After a while I went outside to see if I could get my bearings. I couldn't. So I started wandering around. Nope, nothing familiar at all. I really didn't want to go back to the house where my humans were. Who knew what they might try next? So I fell asleep on a lawn chair on the patio of the house next door.

Now, you're not going to believe what I'm about the tell you. But the house next door is occupied by the nicest woman. And her name is Miss Kitty! I am not making that up! Can you believe that I, Missy Kitty, apparently am going to be a neighbor of Miss Kitty? How cool is that?

After the treatment I had an endured, I decided to make my humans suffer a bit. I stayed away from this new house where my humans were sleeping for two whole days. I think they were worried sick. Good.

But the bottom line is this: They still provide generous servings of milk several times a day, and the dry cat food is as good as always. Maybe my humans aren't so bad after all. And my chair has its comfy pad. And I can sleep in a lap any time I want to.

So, OK. I'll stay. Apparently, that's what my humans were hoping for all along.

What's the big deal, anyway?

Missy Kitty is the official registered trademark of a certain furry animal who lives, most of the time, with Joe Sullivan, retired editor of the Southeast Missourian, and his wife.