Detective 101: Simple crimes, simple ideas

Good morning, class. Welcome to Detective 101. I hope you all had fun with your assignment, which was to analyze the clues in the Case of the Purloined Fire Engine. So let's start with some of the assumptions you've made.

Jim, tell us what you've concluded based on the fact that a big, red firetruck with flashing lights and a siren and everything from the East County Fire Protection District was found by Cape Girardeau police parked in the 1400 block of North Henderson Avenue.

"Uh, sorry, Professor Joe, but I spent most of the week gambling at a fully licensed, state-approved gaming casino where I was trying to win enough money to stay in college, so I didn't have a chance to do all my homework. Sorry."

But, surely, Jim, you have some thoughts about why the firetruck was parked on North Henderson.

"Uh, well, maybe the East County Fire Protection District has annexed the northern half of Cape Girardeau, and it has decided to park firetrucks at convenient locations in residential neighborhoods in order to cut down on response times when a fire call comes in. Or maybe there's a fitness center on North Henderson."

Very good, Jim. I like to see someone who thinks outside the box.

Now, Bob, what do you make of the hole that was cut through the sheet-metal siding of the fire station where the firetruck was stolen?

"Well, Professor Joe, the hole was only a foot and a half across, so the person who took the firetruck must have been 7 years old, maybe 8, tops."

And what about the blood all over the sharp, jagged edges of the hole?

"Uh, it was a pudgy kid?"

Good thinking, Bob. Anything else?

"Oh, yeah, it was a pretty dumb 7-year-old."

Why do you say that?

"Well, the front door of the fire station was unlocked."

Way to go, Bob.

Now, Al, can you share what you've deduced from the fact that a stolen pickup -- with the fire department's battery charger under it -- was found in the parking lot of the fire station where the firetruck was stolen?

"You kinda lost me there, Professor Joe, but I think I get your drift. My conclusion is that this fat 7-year-old was running away from home in a pickup stolen from a county commissioner, but because of a bad economy and lower-than-anticipated tax revenue the pickup had an old battery that went on the fritz, so the kid needed a battery charger real bad, and he couldn't call for roadside assistance since his Triple-A card expired last month, so he tore through the wall of the first fire station he came to looking for a battery charger, but the pickup's battery was so shot it wouldn't hold a charge, and the kid was bleeding all over the place and the fire engine's battery was just fine, so he took the whole dang firetruck and was doing just great until he realized, with his short, chubby legs, he couldn't downshift going up that steep hill on North Henderson so he just parked the firetruck and took off on foot, but by then he had stopped bleeding, which is why he didn't leave a trail of blood for the K-9 dogs to follow."

Fantastic, Al. I can see you've given this case a lot of serious thought. By the way, what about the water bottle stolen from the fire station that was found empty in the parking lot?

"Poor kid was dehydrated, Professor Joe. That's a common side effect of running away from home. Happens all the time."

Good Job, Al. You get an A for today's class discussion. Keep this up and you'll make chief of detectives before you can say "Clues and conclusions have the same mother but different fathers." Any other theories? Anyone? Yes, Archie?

"No disrespect, Professor Joe, but can you say methamphetamine?"

R. Joe Sullivan is the editorial-page editor of the Southeast Missourian.