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OpinionOctober 12, 2001

Honest, I'm not against technology. But sometimes I think technology is hiding nearby waiting to ambush me. If you're tired of hearing about inept people -- like me -- who think working a VCR is rocket science, brain surgery and electrical engineering all rolled into one, then you might want to stop right here...

Honest, I'm not against technology. But sometimes I think technology is hiding nearby waiting to ambush me.

If you're tired of hearing about inept people -- like me -- who think working a VCR is rocket science, brain surgery and electrical engineering all rolled into one, then you might want to stop right here.

For the rest of this column I'm going to be whining about why God didn't give me the gene every 7-year-old I know has.

You know the one. It enables children to download sophisticated programs from the Internet, rewire the house and program the VCR all at the same time with one hand tied behind their backs.

Let me remind you that I am old enough to remember when only one TV signal reached Kelo Valley in the Ozarks west of here. That was KFVS-TV. It took me a long time to figure out there was more to television than KFVS.

Some of you remember those early days of TV.

You didn't need a program guide because you had the entire schedule memorized.

You watched everything that came on without worrying about what might be on other channels, because you didn't know there were any other channels.

And even if you did, you didn't get them.

How long ago was this? Let's see how many of you remember when the early-morning show on KFVS had live musicians.

My favorite was the young fellow who played the piano and electric organ at the same time.

As a young boy taking piano lessons, I was mesmerized by this virtuoso of two keyboards. I told my piano teacher, Mrs. Handford, that I aspired to becoming such an amazing and enthralling entertainer.

Mrs. Handford suggested I should learn to play "Dance of the Rosebuds" with both hands before I tried to tackle two keyboards at the same time, possibly suffering serious injury in the process.

Life got complicated when I went away to college in the Kansas City area. Suddenly there were choices to be made in TV viewing. There were three channels, and all of them had something I wanted to see all the time.

My first exposure to cable TV came when we moved to Nevada, Mo., in the early 1970s. For $6 we could get everything the cable system had to offer -- which, if I remember correctly, was about eight channels.

Cable TV, of course, ushered in the era of the remote control. Life hasn't been the same since.

My wife and I got our first VCR in the 1980s. I can't recall that we ever recorded anything. But we did start renting videos.

When choosing our most recent VCR, I took great pains to find the model that would be the easiest to use. I was completely taken in by a particular brand of VCR that could set its own clock. As frequently as our power goes off, I saw that as a major breakthrough in gadgetry. What I didn't take into consideration is that resetting the clock doesn't automatically reset any programs you want to record.

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Not that we record many programs. Just "Jeopardy." A day without "Jeopardy" at our house is like a lamp with no bulb, if you get my drift.

Sometime last year, the local cable company called to tell me that we could upgrade our service to include everything available -- premium channels and all -- for a relatively modest introductory rate. That was when digital TV came to town. Maybe you signed up for that special service too.

There sure is a lot to watch with all those channels.

And, at the same time, there's nothing to watch.

I'm not complaining about the quality of the programming. Sure, there's plenty of hogwash, but I know how to switch channels or turn off the TV if it's that bad.

My gripe is that the programs I want to watch aren't on when I want to watch them.

So why don't I just set the VCR and watch those programs whenever I want?

Have you been paying attention at all?

No, my lame-brain solution was to drop the every-channel-in-the-world package and switch to the basic level of cable service. Folks, I don't have anything against Mother Angelica, but when that's the best program available on your level of cable service, you're really in a pickle.

Even my wife, who rarely watches TV but enjoys a bit of TV escape from time to time, began to suffer. She even tried watching "Friends" reruns with me. "I just don't get it," she would say before she gave up. She thinks she may be the only American alive who has never seen an episode of "Seinfeld."

So when my wife suggested that we might want to consider another level of cable service, I knew basic cable was taking a terrible toll on us.

When the fellow came to the house this week to upgrade our service, he stood in the family room looking first at me, then the TV set, then back at me.

"We've got to stop meeting like this," he said.

I told him I'd never switch cable service again if he'd do me one small favor.

His eyebrows arched.

"Can you make sure my VCR is set for "Jeopardy"?

By the way, Kelo Valley is a long way from the nearest cable system. Which means it still just gets one TV channel. Maybe that's why I like it so much.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.

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