A good marriage is never a burden

I have never understood people who openly complain about their relationships and their spouses. If you constantly complain about the person you have chosen to spend your life with, what does that say about you? And let's be clear, I'm not talking about hard times because life will surely deliver hard times. And I'm not talking about confiding in a friend when you're struggling. Yes, please do that.

I'm talking about the nitpicky, name-calling casual complaining we all hear around the water cooler and on social media. I'm talking about the grumpy man my husband and I saw at the big-box store garden center. He was shopping with a woman, and he looked at my husband to commiserate. "They sure like to spend money, don't they?" he scoffed. He had no idea who he was talking to, yet he very easily assumed that his complaints would land on empathetic ears. For the record, making our yard a little oasis for our family is something my husband and I do together.

Relationships are hard work. I'm not going to try to tell anyone that it's effortless because it's not. It takes two people agreeing that their marriage or otherwise committed relationship is in fact foundational and worth protecting. Marriage is about deciding this is what you want and who you want to make a life with, and then working together to mold that relationship into a daily practice that supports those relationship goals. Together, you get to decide what your relationship looks like. And it's different for everyone.

There are a lot of TikToks and social media posts spreading the message that marriage is a burden for women. Marriage should not be a burden for anyone, and if you marry a person who shares your same values and doesn't bring antiquated assumptions to the relationship, it won't be. These are the conversations couples must have prior to getting married.

What does marriage look like to you?

If a woman meets a man who thinks there's such a thing as "women's work" and expects his wife to cook, clean and care for the children but that's not her expectation in a marriage, then they need to have hard conversations or maybe they shouldn't get married. Marriage and committed relationships do not come with a predetermined set of rules. You get to determine what your marriage looks like.

If marriage feels like a burden, it's probably time for some real conversations with your spouse. My first marriage ended in divorce, and I've tried to learn from that experience. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. What I've learned most is that honest and open communication is the most important gift you can give in a marriage. Shutting down in an argument or walking away from hard conversations only fuels resentment. You have to be willing to stick with those tough talks. Stay in it, be honest and really fight for that relationship together.

The scariest part is that you cannot control if your partner doesn't want to put in the work or have deeply vulnerable conversations. You can only show up as your whole self and hope they will, too. My husband could make such a fool of me if he wanted to. But I trust that he doesn't. And honestly if he wants to mess this up, that's on him.

Also, it's important to note that no one should stay in an abusive relationship. Please, find someone to help you if this is you.

When I walk into a crowded room, I want my husband to feel like the luckiest man in the room. That's my goal. Not because I do all the laundry and wash all the dishes. (I don't). But because he knows he is so loved and that no matter what is happening in the world, we are here for each other and we will make it through. We always know where we stand in our relationship: together.