STRANGER THAN FICTION: WHAT'S NEXT, ANTIBACTERIAL LAUNDRY DETERGENT OR NASAL SPRAY?

Where was salmonella when our parents were kids?

This country has gone germ crazy.

First it was antibacterial hand soap, promoted by pictures of kids doing nasty things with their fingers just before eating sandwiches. Wanting to prevent that sort of thing is reasonable, especially if the kid touched YOUR sandwich.

Now there's antibacterial counter spray, dishwashing liquid and even BODY WASH! Gives new meaning to mom's warning not to touch that thing 'cause you don't know where it's been.

All of these products are colored yellowish-orange, because scientists discovered decades ago that yellowish-orange was a germ-repelling color. Just look at Pine-Sol.

The media have us absolutely paranoid that germs may be in our lives. Remember that television expose on the meat industry a few years ago? That full-color video of a cow boil being lanced just before Bessie became hamburger? Those chickens being picked up off the factory floor and tossed back into the vat-o'-poultry?

The whole thing made me swear off meat ... for about five minutes.

Today the big news is E-coli and salmonella. Where were these germs when our parents were kids? Back then, soap and hot water, combined with the occasional application of Mother's Spit, could clean anything: kids' faces, countertops, upholstery, etc.

Hold the child-abuse hotline, folks, but my mother used to let me LICK THE BEATERS! We ate cookie dough complete with RAW EGGS! My stepfather asked his steaks be cooked MEDIUM RARE! We baked turkeys and then picked the bones at ROOM TEMPERATURE FOR HOURS! Guess what? We're all still alive!

Of course, none of us would do those nutty, madcap, fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants activities today. There's been some sort of terrible conspiracy to introduce germs into our meat. Brace yourselves, but I think I know who's responsible.

It's the vegans.

Vegetarians are okay. For some bizarre reason -- probably that report on cow boils -- they've sworn off meat. But cheese, milk, eggs and that sort of thing is fine with them. A true vegetarian would sell his soul to the Devil for a really good egg-white omelet.

Vegans, on the other hand, don't eat animal products of any sort. Their reasoning is simple: Would you like someone to steal your kids? Then don't steal eggs from chickens. Would you like someone pulling on your intimate body parts and trying to get your milk?

Don't answer that.

Anyway, in an attempt to punish those who eat "food with a face," evil Professor Sal R.E. Stalk and his, insane but beautiful, assistant Jane "Avocado Lips" Manson developed these heinous germs. They disguised themselves as fast-food workers, dumped the germs into the vats-o'-meat and took off for the hills.

Sorry. I didn't mean to make that wild accusation. It was the protein talking.

Actually, The Other Half and I own all that antibacterial stuff -- the hand soap, the dishwashing liquid, the counter spray, etc. Mr. Half is particularly paranoid of germs, hovering over me to make sure the knife that skinned the raw chicken was hosed down in yellowish-orange matter of some sort.

This is the same guy who believes in the Five-Second Rule: If you drop food on the floor and pick it up within five seconds, it's still edible if you blow the carpet fuzz off.

Go figure.

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.