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Time to end this column after 11 years (8/24/05)I should have quit on high note, like "Seinfeld." Too late for that. So now I'm writing my final column after nearly 11 years, wishing it had stayed more relevant right up to the end, wishing I'd been more entertaining for the readers who stuck with me all this time...
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A flight of crisis takes off (8/17/05)Editor's note: This column originally ran Wednesday, July 28, 2004. A new column will appear next week. Have you ever had a crisis by which you judge all others? I'm not talking about people bleeding or a divorce -- or both. I mean those midlevel ones that are manageable but, at the same time, so awful that they set the gold standard in hassle and, in my case, humiliation...
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Brad and Jennifer couldn't appreciate what they had (8/10/05)Even though most Hollywood marriages are as disposable as the new Cottonelle wipes, and most celebs are so boring and predictable they're not worth following, for some reason I care that Brad Pitt broke his vows to Jennifer Aniston. She's got it all -- sweet, talented, wealthy and beautiful -- but it's still sad to see someone face that sort of public humiliation. ...
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Rappers' audience mostly white (8/3/05)Tipper Gore doesn't want to hear this, but I like rap music. After a long day using my brain at the office, I can't handle any subject matter deeper than making money, evading police and dancing with round-butted women. Joss Stone? Foo Fighters? Nah. "G-Unit in the house, that's my clique."...
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Parents keep their children guessing (7/27/05)I may never know for sure, but good parenting probably involves the element of surprise. It hit me when a friend at work brought her toddler and infant to the office for everyone to see. I asked Kim how her older son was handling the new baby. "Badly, to tell you the truth," she said. ...
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Your life in five questions (7/20/05)Editor's note: This column was originally published July 14, 2004. We all get them from our friends -- those 30-question e-mails to fill out and return plus forward to our friends with the intention of all learning about each other. Because of my cursed high level of self-absorption, I love sharing stuff about myself with other people in the hopes that they'll be interested. ...
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Don't come between me and my cell phone (7/13/05)I watch MTV every so often to see what the kids are up to these days. Usually it's having inappropriate relations with each other, drinking and whining. So things haven't changed much. But once in a great, great while, this 35-year-old will identify with something on that channel, very much geared to people 10 to 17 years my junior...
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Conspiracy theories (7/6/05)There's a conspiracy going on, and I'm going to expose it if I have to befriend and betray every hairstylist in the area. Here's how it works: You go to the salon and get a new hairstyle. Maybe you get just a trim. Either way, when it is finished, you look beautiful. You have a nagging doubt that you may never look the same way again, or at least until you return to the salon for your next appointment...
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Quiet workers unite (6/29/05)Don't you hate those overly eager beavers at work? You invite them to lunch and they say, "Oh, no! I'm too busy for lunch! I don't know how YOU find the time." Or you're packing up at quitting time, and they're monitoring your departure. "Leaving already?" they say. "OK, well, have a good night. I've still got a few hours left."...
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For $100 an hour, trainer needs sense of humor (6/22/05)Good health is getting more expensive, at least for me. My personal trainer, Neil, just informed me he took a few more certification courses and now charges $100 an hour. I've got a couple problems with that. First of all, anyone who makes that much money should be legally permitted to write me prescriptions for painkillers...
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Close encounters of the bird kind (6/15/05)It began on a perfect Florida spring morning, when I glanced out my back window to see the most remarkable bird. It stood on long legs, well over a foot tall, with black, white and yellow markings and a tuft of feathers on its head...
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Mr. Half show he's not Mr. Clean around home (6/8/05)It didn't take me long to figure out I can't afford a house and a house cleaner. Working my 60-hour-a-week job in Cape Girardeau, I quickly learned a house cleaner was the only way I could avoid total squalor at home, but it took a long time to get past the guilt. Then I found out virtually all of my older, professional girlfriends had help at home...
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Storm-season refresher for Florida (6/1/05)Today is the start of hurricane season in Florida. People around Tampa Bay didn't take it too seriously last year. It was statistically unlikely we'd get hit. I allowed myself to get complacent, even though I spent Hurricane Georges in Pensacola with no power for two days...
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Acting someone else's age (5/25/05)There's nothing like a weeklong visit from a 20-something to remind you you're a 30-something. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't re-live my 20s for anything. Too much drama. Plus, I feel like I'm starting to get a few things figured out. Maybe in another 35 years I'll really know something...
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Confessions of a prepared-food junkie (5/18/05)Editor's note: This column was originally published April 24, 2001. Most working women take a few shortcuts in preparing meals for their families. Maybe more than a few. Take my husband's aunt, who uses canned chicken and cut-up, store-bought tortillas in her chicken and "dumplings." Another friend has a lasagna recipe that doesn't require boiling the noodles. And what working mother hasn't popped the top off a jar of Ragu?...
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Heavy-handed workouts of the jaw (5/11/05)I want to do two things at the gym: work out in peace and tan in the buff. The second one is going pretty well. They have a tanning area where you can lock out the whole world and step into little, potentially cancer-causing booths for 12 minutes. I might be a dead fat person by 50, but I'll be a tan, dead fat person. Plus those 12 minutes away from people and my cell phone are pure heaven...
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Counting to 10 together (5/4/05)My 10th anniversary was April 28. It's a miracle any couple makes it, a miracle to be celebrated wildly. You put two people together in the same house, people who have a few things in common but plenty of different methods and ideas. You add everyday stresses -- troubles with the house, a job loss, sickness, in-laws. For some it's worse -- an alcohol problem or an affair...
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Doing dog duties in the neighborhood (4/27/05)In apartment complexes, people come and go. So there's really no good reason to get to know your neighbors. Some of the bigger complexes put on special clubhouse parties, but what's the point? Just as soon as you form a bond, a lease ends and you or they are gone...
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Razor usage linked to fair weather (4/20/05)It's time for spring fashion -- shorts, capris, skirts with no pantyhose. In short, clothing that will dramatically increase my razor usage. I met with Neil, my hot personal trainer, a few weeks ago to get a new routine. Even as I drove to the gym, I thought, "Ooooo. I should have shaved my legs. Or maybe I shouldn't be wearing shorts."...
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Florida's rules of the road (4/13/05)Editor's note: This column was originally published April 11, 2000. Used to be, Broadway and Kingshighway were my biggest pains, traffic-wise. Navigating around Jackson at 8 a.m. or 5 p.m. was nightmarish. And the McDonald's on Broadway? I really had to want those McNuggets to attempt getting in and out of that drive-through. (Of course, I DID really want them. Plus a shake and fries.)...
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No sport seems to fit in Florida (4/6/05)For me, baseball is the cool nip of spring games flowing into the moist heat of summer. Football is leaves changing and team logo sweatshirts. Basketball is snow on the ground outside but plenty of heat inside. In short, sports are inextricably linked with Missouri weather...
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The long and short of hair (3/30/05)Last month, I made a decision so momentous, so powerful, it must be shared. I'm growing my hair out, and don't try to stop me. My hair hasn't garnered widespread critical acclaim since the late 1980s, when the style was to grow as much overbleached, overpermed hair as possible, shellacking the bangs almost vertical and using a blow-dryer/hairspray combination to create large wings on either side of your head...
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The lesson that Terri taught me (3/23/05)After 17 years of newspaper journalism, it takes a lot for a story to make me cry. It's horrible, the stuff you hear at work. Reporters put up walls to keep from being hurt by all the abused children and spouses, dead soldiers, house fires and fatal accidents our readers expect to learn about from us. There's a lot of gallows humor in newsrooms...
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Best friends help disguise your beer (3/16/05)There's no company as welcome as a best friend. It isn't that they don't deserve your best. It's just that you know they'll love you no matter whether you have it to give or not. And so it goes that my best friend Lynn arrived at my home this week from Texas to cat hair on the chaise lounge and a first-night meal of an Old El Paso taco kit...
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Reserve the octopus for foodies (3/9/05)There's a new word in the culinary dictionary: foodie. Maybe you've heard it being thrown around in commercials and newspaper food sections. Dictionary.com says it means "a person who has an ardent or refined interest in food." I was pretty excited when people started using it, because now there's a complimentary term for people extremely interested in food, and I am one of those...
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Cooking not an issue for working wife (3/2/05)Editor's note: This column originally appeared June 20, 2000. The Other Half killed my will to cook. Not that it was strong anyway. My will to cook had been on life support for a few years, expressed through the same five recipes week after week, year after year...
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Vanity loves company (2/23/05)The lady at the gym said I could add tanning privileges to my membership for just $10 a month and that would include tanning for The Other Half, too. It sounded good, but artificial tanning is just wrong. Dermatologists tell us to wrap up like mummies just to get the mail, so does it make sense to pay money -- no matter how little -- to purposefully expose ourselves to concentrated doses of ultraviolet radiation?...
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Women see what needs to be done (2/16/05)Yep, that's us gals, all right. Our men simply want to Photoshop pictures online or watch the game, but there we are, worrying about silly little things like paying bills or keeping the cars insured. How petty! I think that's why the women I know end up taking so much on themselves -- the responsibility for household finances plus taking care of kids and home. We've created monsters, and then we wonder why we're so tired...
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A small animal's magnetism (2/9/05)I've learned a thing or two about dog ownership in the three weeks we've had Stewie. * Every puppy should come with free spray bottles of Resolve carpet cleaner, Lysol and bleach. * If you think you can train your dog not to sleep with you, think again...
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You are what you eat ... mmmmmm (2/2/05)The alarm clock radio touches off an internal battle every morning. It's dark. It's cold. My husband and my little dog are warm. Do I get dressed for the gym? Or do I adjust the alarm to go off in another hour? I've learned this: If I don't go to the gym before work, I'm not going. ...
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The pitter patter of little feet (1/12/05)"They should make it so you're more fertile in your 30s, because that's when you've got money and know what you're doing." The Other Half absently rubbed my feet on the couch, using the non sequitur to launch our umpteenth conversation about having children. It was becoming our sole conversational topic since I turned 35, my good eggs went on the lamb and my chances of having a child with Down syndrome shot to one in 400...
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From relaxation to renovation (1/5/05)It's sick, really. A day off used to be about relaxation, getting a little sun, taking in a movie, maybe. Now it's about the house. It's always about the house. And I like it. Take New Year's Eve. Yes, The Other Half and I watched fireworks and kissed at midnight and all that...
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Making sense of getting fit (12/29/04)The gym sits on the west side of Fourth Street, "get fit and save today" and "$0 sign up for the new year" signs out front catching my eye, but not as much as the thin people working out . It took another year of up and down weight capped off by a holiday month of pure binge eating to get me in there. Just one example: The Other Half's grandmother gave us a tin of her homemade bonbons on his birthday, Dec. 9. By my birthday, Dec. 18, Mr. Half had eaten three, and I'd eaten 18...
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Bumping to another age bracket (12/22/04)It's nearly midnight Saturday, the night of my 35th birthday. I'm no longer a part of that desirable 18 to 34 marketing demographic. My purchasing decisions have been set. No advertising firm cares about capturing me anymore. I'm clicking my set over from MTV to VH1. Can "60 Minutes" be far behind? The most telling thing about my new age bracket is that I'm home and sitting at the computer. I just finished my online bill paying and moved on to column writing...
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Transplanting Christmas spirit (12/15/04)The Other Half says he can't get the holiday spirit in Florida. White lights spiraling up palm trees, Santa knickknacks dressed in Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts -- it's just not in line with his concept of Christmas. A lot of Florida transplants feel the same way. ...
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Other Half now a yuppie gas guzzler (12/8/04)The Other Half used to be the picture of environmental consciousness. He drove a 1994 Toyota Tercel -- zero leg room but truly remarkable gas mileage. It had a bicycle rack sticking out of the trunk and a Share the Road specialty license plate, offered by Florida to raise money for bicycle trails. The plate features a poorly drawn picture of a man on a bicycle, but hey, I'm no art critic...
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You can wrestle a turkey (12/1/04)Ah, the Thanksgiving turkey, that Holy Grail of holiday entrees. The message from advertising and society in general is clear: It's nearly impossible for one's first turkey to turn out moist and succulent. Remember that old Butterball commercial with the two older women walking up to the house? They're bracing for a dry turkey since it's the hostess's first one...
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The ant war of 2004 is on (11/24/04)So far, ants, 1, Halls, 0. Florida is a freakish place for insects. In Missouri, there's probably not a bug to be found right now. When it freezes or snows, people say, "Good. Maybe it will kill the bugs for next summer." In Florida, the only thing that kills bugs is poison. Lots and lots of poison. You can do everything right -- clean off the counters, tightly seal all food, remove any standing water, and you'll still have a pest control contract...
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Defending Florida after 2000 (11/17/04)Editor's note: This column originally ran Dec. 5, 2000. Heidi Hall's column will return next Wednesday. I thought the presidential election might be settled before I had to write this column. I never dreamed my good name would become linked to a state with the population density of many foreign countries but with the total brain mass of a Chihuahua...
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Ownership is not for wimps (11/10/04)My sister Jennifer was 21 when she got her first house, a tan two-bedroom with a tidy little yard just off William Street. The Other Half's brother even beat that -- a homeowner at 20. He and his new wife refurbished an old place in Bertrand. What made those two jump in so confidently at such an early age? It haunted me as I moved from apartment to apartment -- nine in the last 10 years...
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Next Halloween will be better (11/3/04)Halloween is my favorite holiday because I get to wear bizarre outfits and eat a lot of candy. And for you who say, "Heidi, how does that make it different from any other day for you?" I reply, "I hope a disgruntled spirit haunts your rude butt."...
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Everything's complicated in the Sunshine State (10/27/04)One of the things I miss most about Cape Girardeau is the ease of conducting any sort of business. For instance, I'd stop by my neighborhood drug store on the way home and pick up a couple of prescriptions. Easy as pie. A friendly cashier even told me how to pray to St. Anthony when I realized I'd left my debit card somewhere. (I'm not Catholic, but I was freaked out enough to give it a try and found the card the next morning. Coincidence? Hmmmmm.)...
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This state's not chicken to celebrate (10/20/04)In Missouri, roosters are mostly for wake-up calls, stews and making other roosters. In Florida, at least some parts, they're creatures to be celebrated, and their deaths are mourned. You've probably seen articles about Key West's feral chicken problem -- or blessing, as other people view it. The chickens were even featured on Dave Attell's show, "Insomniac."...
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Making the leap to homeowner (10/13/04)The leap from lifelong renter to homeowner is a long one indeed. Hold up on the speech about building equity versus throwing away money and look at it from my point of view. The Other Half and I are home-care challenged. For example, he almost burned down an apartment simply attempting to install a ceiling fan. Luckily, when the smoke and sparks cleared, the only damage revealed was to Mr. Half's ego...
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Fighting our way to vacation (10/6/04)Each year, The Other Half and I take one vacation together and one apart. This, combined with our individual checking accounts, opposite work schedules and separate bathrooms, causes some observers to ask, "Do you really call this a marriage?" Nine years, no emergency room visits. 'Nuff said...
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Hurricanes make case for weather channel (9/29/04)The following column was originally published Aug. 15, 2000. Watching The Weather Channel's computer simulation put Hurricane Alberto well away from Florida was like watching a mother carry her screaming baby past your gate at the airport. You know you've narrowly avoided a long, irritating, potentially disastrous experience...
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Models, cones, radar oh my! (9/22/04)The bizarre hurricane season is turning Florida into a state of amateur meteorologists. Of course, we have good reason to become obsessed with The Weather Channel and www.nhc.noaa.gov, home of the National Hurricane Center's forecasts. On Tuesday, both were tracking two hurricanes and a tropical storm...
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My own reality TV show (9/15/04)Single people are so much fun. After you've been married for a decade or so and can barely remember being with someone you wouldn't belch in front of, they remind you about romance. I'm monitoring the love lives of a number of single friends. It's like my own reality show. I'll share some plot lines with you:...
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Hurricanes become fact of life (9/8/04)OK, this is getting ridiculous. First Charley. Then Frances. Seems like someone is visiting us from Missouri every time a hurricane hits. For Frances, it was a friend combining a check of his sailboat and a visit with The Other Half and me. (The boat survived, by the way.)...
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Smells like team spirit in here (9/1/04)After Baptist, the Buccaneers are Tampa Bay's predominant religion. The men wear their Bucs jerseys and ballcaps and rehash the last game until the next one is played. Women who wouldn't know an option play from a Broadway play still put on their Bucs earrings and tank tops and head out on Sunday afternoons...
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Hitting the older demographic (8/25/04)They say getting older isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. True enough. But that doesn't mean there won't be grounding moments in your life when you step back and realize how far away from that super cool 18-25 demographic you are. When you use terms like "super cool," for instance...
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People don't get to just live in Florida (8/18/04)Once in a while, nature has to extract a price for its blue waters and palm trees and warm winters. Usually, it's a gator eating a poodle or a shark attack. If it weren't for the miserable summers, insect problems and vicious wildlife, the state would be even more crowded...
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Importance of the shine (8/11/04)Editor's note: This column originally ran Jan. 9, 2001. A new column will appear next week. I've done it, there's no going back, and now I'll come out of the broom closet and unabashedly admit it in the pages of our local newspaper. I've hired a cleaning lady. There. I said it...
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Auto repair - One of life's mysteries (8/4/04)Let's start by admitting most women are at a cultural disadvantage when it comes to car repair and maintenance. While we were listening to our moms pontificate on Shout vs. Spray and Wash, our brothers were learning about oil changes and carburetors...
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A flight of crisis takes off (7/28/04)Have you ever had a crisis by which you judge all others? I'm not talking about people bleeding or a divorce -- or both. I mean those midlevel ones that are manageable but, at the same time, so awful that they set the gold standard in hassle and, in my case, humiliation...
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Putting your best foot forward (7/21/04)Back in the day, my heels were ashy. My big toe was calloused. My toenails didn't just have ridges, those were buttes. Then, one day, prompted by my cheap nature combined with a Christmas gift certificate, I entered my first nail salon and a new world of foot beauty...
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Your life in five questions (7/14/04)We all get them from our friends -- those 30-question e-mails to fill out and return plus forward to our friends with the intention of all learning about each other. Because of my cursed high level of self-absorption, I love sharing stuff about myself with other people in the hopes that they'll be interested. Maybe they'll care that yes, I have been in love, or that my favorite flavor of ice cream is peanut butter and chocolate and I'm the oldest child in my family...
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When all else fails, get a tattoo (7/7/04)You're a 33-year-old man, your youth misspent on college and full-time jobs, your shot at being a professional athlete/actor/musician pretty much over. All too soon, you will be FORTY. Obviously, there's only one thing to do: Get a second tattoo, specifically, a 25-square-inch tribal sun between your shoulder blades...
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In case of hurricane, go to Waffle House (6/30/04)We are ready for a hurricane here at the Hall household. But nothing higher than a Category 2, where we lose a couple of shingles, the electricity is out for no more than two days and most roads are passable. Anything worse than that, and we'll be like the Donner Party up in here...
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Florida not the same without gator stories (6/23/04)It's the classic Florida news story. No, not the one last week about one 74-year-old man crashing his car into the Tampa International Airport and hitting another 74-year-old man in the process -- they both survived just fine, by the way. I mean the one from Tuesday out of Inverness, where a lady heard her two dachshunds barking wildly in the yard and went out to investigate. She found a 4-foot-long alligator under her pickup and called 911...
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Privacy is a personal matter (6/16/04)I'm constantly fascinated by how private some people are. This could be because, for almost 17 years, I've earned my living dishing about other people's lives and my own. Like this guy at work -- he regards me suspiciously when I ask about his weekend plans. He gives me kind of a "what's it to you" look, then coughs up enough general information to make me move on to someone else. Geez, it's just a question you ask when you're stuck by the copy machine or something...
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Equality, from drinks to paychecks (6/9/04)Well thank you very much, David R. Gillespie. Because you are unwilling to shell out a $5 cover and a couple more bucks for a beer or two, ladies' nights will no longer be a part of the New Jersey bar scene. Thanks to men like you in other states, the days of no cover and $1 beers for women may be limited across this great nation someday...
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Olives -- lots and lots of olives (6/2/04)There's a new hotel in Tampa that, according to a recent newspaper article, is trying to get a four-star rating with its Mediterranean style and top-flight amenities. Those amenities will include turn-down service, which I've heard of, and a complimentary olive bar, which I haven't...
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In or out, up or down, what to do! (5/26/04)My new apartment and new job have raised a few etiquette questions of late. Before now, I've never had access to a hot tub or used elevators every day. First, the hot tub. It seats seven and is near my apartment, making it convenient for a little after-work dip now and again, just to wind down. I always look out my window to make sure nobody is in there first, because hot tubs have a certain reputation, and I don't want to walk up on that, if you get my drift...
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Sailing down the river of marital bliss (5/19/04)Editor's note: This column was originally published May 6, 1995. Yes, I'm married. Even I don't believe it. Every so often, I look down at my genuine Diamonelle and plain gold band to remind myself of the vows I took a week ago yesterday...
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Saying goodbye to takeout (5/12/04)Finally, my refrigerator contains more than condiments. There's no disturbing echo in my cabinets. I can cook up more than a scheme. Oh, how low I've sunk. Growing up, every corner of our kitchen was packed with food. Once a week, Mom would roll up in her minivan -- back when minivans were an exciting new concept and the saviors of busy moms everywhere -- and honk a few times. ...
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Disorder results from organization (5/5/04)Has anyone else noticed that, as men get older, the little quirks that became apparent in their youth become full-blown eccentricities? Take my grandfather, for instance, a child of the Depression. He's always been a thrifty guy, running around turning off lights behind his kids and grandkids, making sure we don't refrigerate the whole neighborhood, only turning on the air conditioning after one of the dogs spontaneously combusts. ...
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The perfect bathing suit doesn't exist (4/28/04)It's a popular notion that shopping for bathing suits is a demoralizing activity for women, one that makes them loathe their figure flaws even more and perhaps turn to a tub of Ben & Jerry's to drown their sorrows. Not so for all of us. It doesn't even bother me that every suit in my size bears some tag that explains the problem it's supposed to hide. ...
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Late-night routine not so routine (4/21/04)Anyone who is part of an "old married couple" knows the ritual. You watch that last late-night show -- Letterman, Leno, the 10 p.m. news ... whatever it is in your household -- and then someone says, "Whhhoooeee! It's after my bedtime" or some similar phrase...
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Playing it cool down by the pool (4/14/04)The bad part of apartment life is losing potential home equity while sharing a wall with people who dress plastic animals on their front porch for the holidays and have an obnoxious dog. The good part -- especially for the home repair challenged -- is enjoying a working home and all the amenities with no more effort than scribbling out a check each month. That's the part I'm enjoying while it lasts, before the lease runs out and we become real grown-ups with a real house payment...
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The early birds catch dinner (4/7/04)A dining phenomenon unique to Florida is the early bird special. In Missouri, you've got your lunch special and then dinner. Here, there's an in-between period when people who are in bed by 8 p.m. want to eat dinner. As a reward for being "early birds," they get a couple of bucks off...
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North, South divide continues (3/31/04)The war between the states wasn't all that long ago for some folks. It didn't occur to me until recently, when a string of Yankees vs. Rednecks incidents caught my attention. The first involved a teen in Tarpon Springs, Fla., who was offended by the Confederate battle flags adorning fellow students' clothes and pickups. ...
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Forget the ER; get me to the salon (3/24/04)One of the worst things about moving to another town is finding a new hairstylist. The first few months in a new location are a critical time for your hair. Any girl worth her salt gets a haircut, color and whatever else she needs right before the move. That haircut is then worked for seven or eight weeks while she scans her new co-workers and neighbors for good hair and collects a few salon phone numbers...
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Mr. Half pimping up a Toyota (3/17/04)If you've met The Other Half, you'd probably agree that the pimp side of him doesn't exactly shine through. By pimp, I mean the cleaned-up definition kids are using nowadays, as in MTV's "Pimp My Ride" and Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin." Today's pimp need not fear the vice squad -- he's simply a man with a fine car, a large home, pretty girlfriends and fabulous clothes...
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It's so easy ... maybe too easy (3/10/04)When did I get too lazy to open a can of soup, dump it in a bowl and put it in the microwave? I'll tell you when. It was about the time Campbell's invented Soup at Hand. Now I'm sitting at my desk and drinking my lunch. (Apparently, I'm also too lazy to chew.) It's time to admit that I'm a convenience junkie, and there may not be a 12-step program for this one. ...
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Lonely? Dial 1-800-Get-a-Friend (3/3/04)Making new friends is the hardest part about leaving the area where you grew up. Living in Southeast Missouri with various ties to Cape Girardeau, Sikeston and Charleston, I had a friend or acquaintance waiting around every corner, typically in the corners at the Wal-Mart Supercenter when I was wearing sweat pants and no makeup, pushing a cart full of feminine products, beer and ice cream. ...
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Farewell to 'Sex and the City' (2/25/04)The glow of female-owned televisions tuned to the "Sex and the City" finale on Sunday night probably could be seen from space. Every woman I asked said she planned to be in front of the tube, and most of them also planned to be at some sort of get-together. Me? An estrogen fest in suburban Tampa, with 13 women packed into a living room where we drank champagne, ate chocolate fondue and said goodbye to Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha...
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Going Goth in sunny Tampa (2/18/04)For me, the best part of city life is the assortment of people who come for -- or are produced by -- the collection of interstates and bright lights and tall buildings. I like hearing people speak Russian -- at least, that's what it sounds like to me -- while apparently discussing the Cool Whip selection. ...
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Fla. forecast- a cold sense of humor (2/11/04)Anyone who has lived in Florida knows the sad truth: The main reason to stay here for any length of time is to feel superior to friends in colder climates. I'm convinced that's the reason the local 24-hour news channel in the Tampa Bay area takes every opportunity to lead off its "Beyond the Bay" segments with some snowstorm up north. And if the low temperature here drops below the 50s, it rates news coverage akin to Pearl Harbor...
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Playing Ward to Mr. Half's June (2/4/04)Have you ever been nostalgic for a time you've never experienced? For me it's the 1950s. Like David Wagner in "Pleasantville," I'm wistful when I think about cookie-cutter homes in new subdivisions, sandlot baseball, nuclear families having dinner promptly at 6 p.m. I don't want to know about all the dysfunction that simmered beneath the pretty pictures back then -- like in "Far from Heaven."...
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Nothing can top Diet Dew and Bugles (1/28/04)For my money, there's no afternoon pick-me-up as good as a Diet Mountain Dew and a bag of Bugles corn snacks. You know that lull around 3 p.m., when your lunchtime soup and salad is long gone, the gap until dinner is yawning before you, and you long to be a part of the Latin American culture that still insists on siestas? Alas, you are a WASP, with no interesting cultural anomalies to speak of, and 3 p.m. ...
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Being a bumpkin in the big city (1/21/04)While the people of my new home in the Greater Tampa Bay Metropolitan Area are very friendly, that statement sometimes has to be qualified with the addendum "for city people." Because, as nice as individuals may be, something happens when you cram enough of them into a small area and make them sit in traffic for hours on end. Some of the nice ends up wearing off, and you have a situation like the one I had at the area's self-proclaimed top-rated Chinese buffet...
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What not to buy for Christmas (1/14/04)Imagine my surprise when, on Christmas morning, I opened two personal hygiene gifts from The Other Half. Fellas, in addition to the "don't give her anything that plugs in" rule for Christmas, you should know there's the "don't give her anything that indicates she's got a grooming problem" rule...
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Arriving in the middle of a heat wave (1/7/04)It seems wrong to be running the air conditioner in January. I come from a long line of women who refuse to turn on the air conditioning unless the children are spontaneously combusting, and then 80 degrees is the lowest thermostat setting allowable. If an outside door stays open for longer than 1.5 seconds, the women in my family yell, "Are you trying to air-condition the entire neighborhood?"...
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Chinese checkers and sunshine (12/31/03)There's nothing like a major relocation to make you ask yourself: Where did all this crap come from, and why am I holding onto it? If all goes well, by the time this column hits the paper, The Other Half and I will be unloading our lives in sunny Tampa, Fla. Frankly, the way things have gone to date, I have to wonder whether Wednesday will find us in West Virginia, puzzling over a map with me screaming, "Why don't you ever listen?!?!"...
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How Cape cares makes it best (12/24/03)A consultant hired by the Cape Girardeau Convention and Visitors Bureau for lots of money says our town logo should be: "Where the river turns a thousand tales." Perhaps a potential tourist would find that more intriguing than I do. The whole verb-object thing is just killing me. "Turns tales." Nobody turns tales. They tell tales, which means they lie. Or they turn tail and run, which means they're cowards...
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Wrapping up good ideas for everyone (12/17/03)My reputation as a cynical monster is going to be seriously at risk after this column, but I've been doing something everyone should try. No, it's not another diet. It's positive psychology. There's a mental health movement afoot to stop focusing on fixing problems and start considering what's right about our lives. The human tendency, of course, is to fixate on what isn't fair, what you don't have, what other people did to you that wasn't right, etc...
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The rock of aging goes 'Smooth' (12/10/03)Tough to believe we've all been jamming at the Show Me Center for 16 years now. It seems only yesterday Steven Tyler strutted across the stage, Tina Turner shook her money maker and Barry Manilow put us to sleep. (Oh, who am I kidding. I love ya, Barry!)...
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Interior design comes at a cost (12/3/03)My fascination with "Trading Spaces" is just sad. Sick and sad. The sad part is that I don't even own a home, so I'm constantly trying to harass my friends into applying to be on the show. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law live in houses a stone's throw from each other, so they're growing accustomed to my arguments on why they're perfect for "Trading Spaces."...
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Consuming deviled eggs for survival (11/26/03)There's no better time than the day before Thanksgiving -- the fattiest holiday of them all -- to talk about Americans' food-related insanity. I'll admit, I'm part of the problem. There's a terrible hoarding instinct I must battle at all times. It's what tells me to take three deviled eggs, because if I just take one, the other 200 might be gone by the time I get back...
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Pet pic no replacement for real kid (11/19/03)With my 34th birthday coming up fast, I've got to admit that my stance on childbearing is softening a bit. Back in the day, when my other childless friends would self-deprecatingly say they were "too selfish" to have kids, I'd take off on a rant that made them regret it...
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New wrinkle right on time for big party (11/12/03)Editor's note: This column originally was published on Dec. 12, 2000. I found my first serious wrinkle on Saturday -- the morning of The Other Half's 30th birthday. It's on the lower lid of my right eye. At first, I thought it was a bizarre, wayward stroke of mascara or brow pencil or maybe just a spot where I didn't properly blend my foundation....
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A plan for Christmas giving (11/5/03)It's five days after Halloween. Should we start thinking about Christmas shopping so soon? You bet your maids a-milking we should. I'm not a huge fan of Christmas by nature. The idea is a good one: devote a day to peace on Earth and good will toward men and hope the idea carries through the rest of the year. ...
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Taming your creature of habit (10/29/03)A friend sent me one of those funny little items from Harper's Magazine. Any married couple could relate to it. In short, a woman complains to her marriage counselor that her husband won't rinse out his milk glass, leaving it for her to face every morning. The counselor assures her that her husband is never, ever going to change his milk-drinking and glass-rinsing habits...
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Getting old means not getting low (10/22/03)As I round the bend toward 34, I'm conscious that it will be my last year inside that desirable 18-to-34 demographic, a.k.a. The Holy Grail of Marketing. It seems I ought to be enjoying this time by dressing younger, acting younger, doing younger things. You know, enjoying the carefree impulsiveness of youth while it's still an option...
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Statistic won't be celebrated (10/15/03)Did you hear the news? A RAND Corp. study found that the number of extremely obese American adults -- at least 100 pounds overweight -- rose from 1 in 200 in 1986 to 1 in 50 in 2000. It was in the paper Tuesday, but I also heard it on CNN Headline News. The thin anchor said something to the effect of: "Americans have hit a new high, but it's nothing to cheer about."...
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The rules of having girlfriends (10/8/03)Apparently, it's time for a refresher course on maintaining female friendships. It's not always easy. Women -- while far and away the superior gender when it comes to relationships, multitasking and handling illness -- can be an emotional lot. We're tuned in to every infraction of the friendship code...
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Cross songs mark spot in time (10/1/03)Should I be embarrassed that the news about Christopher Cross coming to the City of Roses Music Festival made me giddy? After finding out last month, I rushed to www.christopher cross.com, which has a neat little Flash introduction with "Sailing" playing in the background. ...
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Where else are chickens wearing wigs? (9/17/03)In this Xbox and iPod world, when young people would rather swap music files and play Grand Theft Auto than swap baseball cards and play kickball, it's refreshing to see a return to wholesome, all-American activities. I'm talking about real family fun such as, say, dressing up a live chicken in a mermaid costume, complete with tiny blond wig, and putting it in a contest against another chicken wearing a fur cape and feather boa...
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Getting the support we ladies need (9/3/03)We get all manner of news releases over our newsroom fax machine, many of them merely advertisements disguised as news. But the fax from J.C. Penney's Manhattan public relations agency -- asking the Southeast Missourian to put the chain's Nationwide Bra Fit Event on our calendar -- had something the others didn't. It had the statement, "Eight out of 10 women wear the wrong size bra."...
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Lunch math and Driving for Justice (8/13/03)Most people, faced with their first word problem in fifth grade, probably thought: "What the heck? Who cares when Train A reaches Point C? Just check the freakin' schedule." But teachers assured us that word problems were about reasoning out dilemmas using math, and those reasoning skills would help us in adult life...
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Fighting to be the most ugly (8/6/03)There isn't a woman on Earth whose appearance can't be improved with a little makeup. Some women just need a touch of lipstick or a couple strokes of mascara. Me? I need just a teensy bit more than that. My morning makeup routine takes 15 minutes, a ritual played out sitting on a weight bench in the guest room, balancing my makeup tackle box on my knees...
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Opening your heart at any age (7/30/03)One of the most touching scenes I've ever witnessed was between my grandfather and grandmother, just a few months before she died. She could barely see. He couldn't hold his hand steady enough to write. When their car didn't start one morning, they had to get the serial number off the old battery. I walked into their garage to find Pop-Pop slowly reading off the numbers and Grammy carefully writing them down...
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Getting rid of his nasty T-shirt (7/23/03)Let's face it. When a woman checks out a guy across the room, she often thinks, "He's really hot, except for ..." And it's that "except for," should the two meet, she'll immediately set about trying to change. Every woman wants her man to look his best and, in the process, reflect well on her...
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I like you but not your car sticker (7/9/03)There's a car driving around town bearing a bumper sticker that reads: "You suck, and I don't like you." The fact that I've been behind it at stoplights three times in the last two months defies all probability. The first time, I found the sticker mildly interesting. The second time, it became a little offensive. The third time, I got seriously irritated, which probably is the point...
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Revealing the secret gay agenda (7/2/03)The Supreme Court's ruling forcing government out of Americans' bedrooms prompted giant front-page headlines and lots of reaction last week. Most of it was from straight people going, "That was illegal somewhere?" But gays were elated when justices struck down a Texas law that made sodomy illegal for same-sex couples and, by extension, struck down similar laws regarding same-sex and/or opposite-sex partners in 12 other states. ...
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Amazing pants under pressure (6/25/03)To me, the most fascinating thing about the Hulk isn't his green skin, his glowing eyes or his superhuman strength. It's his amazing pants. From the comic book to the television series to the feature film, the Hulk has never split the rear of his pants despite growing three to 15 times his human size. However, many actual people I know have stories about splitting their pants. I certainly have one. Or two...
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Use Sunday to rest, not hike (6/18/03)When I hear "nature trail," I think of gravel or bark paths through the woods, mostly flat and clearly marked for visitors with interpretative plaques to identify flora or fauna. On the ideal nature trail for this plus-sized girl, one could wear and business suit and pumps and complete the route ready to go to the office...
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There are many ways we love U.S. (6/11/03)Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone who has written to me so far about why you love America. Your writing has provided such an uplifting week, especially on the stormy Tuesday. For those who haven't heard, the Southeast Missourian is publishing a special Spirit of America edition and inviting all of our readers to submit pieces of 250 words or less on why they love America. The deadline is in less than two weeks -- on June 20. We'll publish them July 1, along with your name and hometown...
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Why I love America (6/4/03)We ran a front-page article Friday asking our readers to submit 250-word essays about why they love America. That's a tough request on so many levels. It's difficult to put into words why we love America. (I don't even know why I choke up almost every time I hear an outstanding performance of our national anthem.) There are just so many reasons, especially with America and Americans under attack...
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Charting the ideal day in Cape (5/28/03)When my friend Mel called from Phoenix to say he'd be in Missouri over Memorial Day weekend, I faced a kind of dilemma for only the second time in my 18 years of Southeast Missouri living. Mel has lived in major cities his entire life. New York. Miami. Now Phoenix. He doesn't like sports or nature and, indeed, spent most of the time the two of us hiked through Sedona, Ariz., asking about lunch...
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Please, Heidi - No more of your jokes (5/21/03)Someone is lacking a sense of humor. It's either me or vast numbers of my fellow Southeast Missouri residents. I spotted the problem a couple of months ago when I was paying for some groceries and having the usual back-and-forth banter with the cashier...
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Turning blue in a small-town rut (5/14/03)I woke up Tuesday feeling kind of ... regular. My dream filtered back to me in little segments. I was at work. I had a meeting in the conference room with the editor and publisher. I had a cocktail with a girlfriend. I folded some laundry. Then it hit me: My dream was an accurate replay of a typical Wednesday. Which means even my dreams aren't interesting any more...
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Out of closet over summer clothes (4/30/03)Saturday was switch-out-the-clothes day in the Hall household, when the winter clothes get stored away in boxes and the summer ones make their first appearance. In Missouri, that's Mother Nature's signal to send a few 50-degree days our way and laugh maniacally while we try to find our sweaters...
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Wedding brings back memories (4/23/03)Monica and Jason's wedding definitely was a three-tissue event for most. It was on the Gulf Coast at sunset. The purple, pink and orange sky outlined an historic lighthouse. The guests crunched their toes in the cool sand as the bride and groom promised to love and protect each other all the days of their lives...
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Going to a gala with a girdle (4/16/03)There aren't very many opportunities in my life to get dressed up. Oh, there's work, but we in the newspaper industry aren't exactly known for our fashion sense. It's one of the many reasons we're not on television. There's the occasional wedding, but consider the one I'm attending this weekend. ...
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Flirting with the pork skins (4/2/03)Several times in the past two weeks, I've watched co-workers fighting with the vending machine in the company lounge. "It got me again!" one exclaimed Monday, giving it a frustrated smack. He headed off to find the unfortunate person who many years ago was handed the keys to our snack, soda and juice machines and hasn't been able to shed the responsibility for them...
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Sometimes it pays to heed e-mail (3/26/03)Modern technology has allowed wonderful things, like using the Internet to quickly look up the lyrics for "September" by Earth Wind & Fire and settle an argument over whether they're singing "on and on" or "party on." (Ends up they're singing a nonsensical "bah de ya." Who knew?)...
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Cartoons, pennants are man's decor (3/19/03)Editor's note: This column originally was published on Jan. 7, 1998. Ladies, there are certain rules for a peaceful marriage. First, realize that while your man loves you, it's best not to stand in front of the television during the professional wrestling program known as "Monday Nitro."...
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In search of a cool nickname (3/12/03)I have a morning ritual that can't be broken or the day is ruined. I get up, walk into the guest room and turn on MTV Jams. It's the only kind of music that allows me to continue on to the second part of the ritual: the "Eight Minutes in the Morning" exercise routine with my secret lover, Jorge Cruise. He still hasn't bothered to return my e-mails, but we'll be together someday, his dark, mysterious eyes staring into mine as he describes his soy-and-fiber-based diet plan...
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Career day speech fails to entertain (3/5/03)Tuesday marked the 3,519th career day in my professional career. If I'm exaggerating, it's only slightly. Near the beginning of every calendar year -- as sure as the snowfall and the resulting crazed rush on bread and milk at Cape Girardeau grocery stores -- every school in Southeast Missouri has a career day. This is an event where hundreds of students already bored out of their skulls by simply being in school pass into a near-coma when forced to listen to adults talk about their jobs...
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Take the Heidi Hall Bus Tour (2/26/03)Every American should make one pilgrimage to Graceland, Elvis Presley's famous home. First, it's only right to educate oneself about the man who forever changed American music. Second, a road trip to Memphis, Tenn., is a lot of fun. And third, you are going to want to witness and at least mentally mock -- if not make disparaging remarks to your friends -- the lunatic Elvis worshippers frantically trying to soak up every remaining molecule of the King's essence...
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Finally, the blessed tax refund (2/19/03)It's tax season, also known as Uncle Sam leaves Heidi a bitter, penniless pauper season. There's no other time of year I come closer to writing on a piece of cardboard, stapling it to a yardstick and marching around government buildings. That's because there's no other time of year some strange entity reaches into my purse and takes out wads of cash against my will. (Not counting my husband.)...
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Tower Rock well worth the trip (2/5/03)East Perry County isn't for the weak of heart or those prone to car sickness. I'd been there a few times for The Best Little Fair in the Land in Altenburg, which really is a cool fair. It's famous for jumping mules and bone-in fish sandwiches, but I've never really understood Southeast Missouri's general fascination with bone-in fish sandwiches. Is it a sandwich when you have to take the top off and pick the fish apart or risk a trip to the hospital?...
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Old photo prompts questions (1/29/03)My friend John is a pack rat of the highest order. There was a power outage at the office where we both worked in 1991. He lit a decorative Christmas snowman candle, which burned more than halfway down. The rest was still sitting on his desk when he changed jobs in 2002. For all I know, he's got it at home...
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Feeling fit but ignored and rejected (1/22/03)After nearly eight years of marriage, things can get a little ... you know ... stale. It's the same old routine, day after day, month after month. So little wonder a woman's eyes might stray. She might entertain the idea of a little dalliance. She might even arrange a meeting...
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Trip turns Missourians into cattle (1/15/03)Nothing like a quick trip to Florida to remind The Other Half and I why we live in Missouri. We were in Orlando last week for a newspaper management conference. "Oh, sure," you're thinking. "You were in Orlando in the middle of winter and spent your daylight hours trapped in a large room with 200 middle-aged males talking about demographic trends and pricing indexes. Rrriiigggghhhtttt."...
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Reshaping my damaged public image (1/8/03)A couple of things have happened lately that are causing me to consider my public image. Everyone in Cape Girardeau has a public image to consider. If you don't think so, go to Wal-Mart at midnight sometime without makeup. It's shocking the number of people there who will know you and give a rip what you look like...
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Decorating becomes disaster (12/11/02)In normal families, decorating for Christmas is a joyous activity. At least, that's how it appears on television. A light snow falls gently outside the living-room window as Mother serves eggnog and freshly baked cookies to the family. Father smiles at his brood lovingly, leaning back in his chair to watch the scene unfolding before him. Brother carefully places the ornament he made in school on the perfect branch. And, finally, Sister is lifted up to put the angel on the tippy top...
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Saying good-bye to Grammy (12/4/02)Today, Claudine Dunne is going to be buried in her best floral-print dress and thin gold wedding band, the shine pretty much worn off by 62 years of nervous fidgeting. The death certificate will say she died at 8:55 a.m. Saturday at age 83, but my grandmother -- the one I grew up with -- really died about a month ago. She fell and hit her head and became almost a stranger, lying in her hospital bed, muttering random bits of information as they passed through her dying brain...
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U.S. women clearly not spoiled (11/27/02)It arrived innocuously, like most truly dangerous threats do: a mass-distributed e-mail with the subject line "A Russian wife can make you happy." True enough. Certainly women of any nationality are capable of creating happiness. But then it turned ugly...
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Long drive with spouse not advised (11/20/02)Maybe it was one too many $3.50 lattes that convinced The Other Half and me that we should drive to Austin, Texas, for our vacation last week. At least, we were feeling energetic at that time. Our vacation was going to include two airplane tickets to New Orleans and a three-night stay in the French Quarter. That dream was cruelly crushed by a car with 92,000 miles on its odometer and that insidious black spot of oil spreading underneath...
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What it means to be a best friend (11/13/02)After an interview here, an interview there, filling in for a couple of absent co-workers and finally getting a few hours to myself, my Best Friends Project is scheduled to run in Sunday's Lifestyles section. Some people might say I'm a procrastinator. I'd say time knows no master...
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Come out of political closet (11/6/02)It's Tuesday, a couple hours before the polls close. For newsrooms, it's the calm before the storm, just a little bit before rational people who normally behave in a professional manner begin yelling bizarre things like, "Dammit! Who's got the totals for Brown Owl? Does this count the absentees?"...
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Creative parenting needs award (10/30/02)Failure to bear children by a certain age pretty much revokes your privilege to criticize how other people are raising theirs. But I will simply relay an experience at a St. Louis salad buffet last week. There was a married couple with two daughters, one about 3 and the other probably 8. The 3-year-old stood shrieking in the middle of the buffet while Mom tried to speak to her slowly and rationally...
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Scam Week observed by many (10/23/02)As a seasoned journalist committed to serving the informational needs of our region, I communicate with more than 100 people per week. Occasionally, those communications cause me to lean back in my chair, tent my fingers reflectively, look at the ceiling and think to myself, "What is this person on?"...
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New friends prompt reflection (10/9/02)One of Garth Brooks' best songs is "I'm Much Too Young (to Feel This Damn Old)." I hear you, Garth. My trouble is all these early 20-somethings entering my life these days, mostly through new friendships and returning to college. Watching them makes me wonder what idjit behavior I'm having now that I'll think about in 10 years. What will make me shake my head and say, "What was I thinking?"...
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Disorder costs a wardrobe (10/2/02)I have an eating disorder: I'm unable to successfully transport food from my plate to my mouth. Obviously, I'm not entirely unsuccessful, or I'd be much thinner. It's just that at least one bite per meal ends up on my blouse. My entire wardrobe is covered with remembrances of meals gone by. Ketchup. Mustard. Hamburger drippings...
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Company lounge new hotspot (9/25/02)Why is it that stability attained in any area of one's life is a sure sign that something's about to go wrong? For instance, when you couldn't feel more secure in your romantic relationship, that's the time your boyfriend tells you he's feeling crowded or your husband has a "friendly lunch" with his high-school girlfriend...
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An ode to the morning people (9/18/02)Morning people are worthy of our admiration. Oprah Winfrey, for instance, gets up at the crack of dawn to exercise, eat a healthy breakfast -- prepared by her personal chef, of course -- and then run her massive empire. My boss is out running before dawn's early light and in the office before 7 a.m...
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Opinions differ on fried candy (9/11/02)Take a moment. Sit down. Go to a happy place in your mind. Try to think of the most decadent, fattening, sugary food one could possibly concoct and consume. The sky's the limit. For instance, I am thinking about squeezing wedding cake icing straight into my mouth...
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High school weirdos turn out OK (9/4/02)Editor's note: This column originally was published in the Southeast Missourian on Feb. 25, 1995. The Other Half adores the game of basketball. If he's not writing about it for a newspaper, he's watching it at a little high school gym somewhere. To him, small-town basketball is the best...
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How Sept. 11 changed this woman (8/28/02)On Sept. 11, 2001, and in the weeks that followed, a lot of us at the Southeast Missourian operated on a kind of journalism autopilot. It's a defense mechanism that kicks in when something inconceivably horrible happens, but instead of getting time to digest and grieve it, journalists must report it. We listen as other people mourn...
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Chapter 1 - You're only young once (8/21/02)Monday marked my return to the lackadaisical university schedule I call the Graduate or Die Plan. Over the next 50 years, one of those two things will happen to me, and there likely will come a time when I stop caring which it is. Having a real job can be a real nuisance when you're attempting to become educated. ...
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'Big ol' girl' having some big ol' fun (8/14/02)Isn't it amazing what comes out of people's mouths? So many feel compelled to comment on anything out of the ordinary. I'm not talking those pleasant little "Ooo! You got a haircut" or "I love that new blouse" kind of quips. I'm talking: "What's your racial background? Because your hair has a weird curl to it."...
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World is oyster when you move out (7/31/02)Watching a young friend prepare to move into his first apartment has thrust me into a period of nostalgia. Remember when getting out on your own was the most wonderful thing that could happen to you? Back then, I wrote out my monthly rent check with a flourish, savoring the thought of another month in MY apartment with all of MY things living MY way...
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Ways to make commutes more fun (7/24/02)Up until this week, my best friend and I drove twin Honda CRVs purchased a month apart in the summer of 2000. Sadly, she left the Cult of the CRV -- look around, they're absolutely everywhere -- in favor of a Chevrolet Trailblazer. Her trade-in had more than 50,000 miles on it. Mine? Less that 30,000...
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Oprah says it's time to confess (7/10/02)I typically avoid buying O magazine because Oprah Winfrey has enough funding for her quest to take over the entire world of entertainment. But June's edition, the one where Oprah is wearing an up 'do and the most adorable little hat, offered a cover story I simply couldn't resist. "True Confessions," the magenta print screamed across the top of Oprah's blouse...
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Only hope for team is exorcism (7/3/02)The Southeast Missourian softball team is ranked dead last in the co-ed city league. Three of our games were called in the fourth inning under the league's 12-run rule. This week, we were beaten 14-1 by a team playing a person short and with two girly girls who struck out every time at bat...
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We don't need no diet control (6/26/02)It isn't often one hears something profound over a turkey sandwich at a fast-food restaurant, but it happened to me Tuesday. I was telling my friend Nancy about some terrible advice given me last week. Nancy shook her head sympathetically. "I never give unsolicited advice," she said. "It's like inviting God to say, 'Oh? So you think you know what you're talking about? I'll show you what you know.'"...
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Ironing brings 'date' to early end (6/19/02)My husband is a good man. He's a hard worker. He is as compassionate and caring as the average straight male can be in today's society. And he looks so good, many people suspect he's actually a younger man I'm seeing on the side. Most importantly, he puts up with this column and all the rest of my lunacy...
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Time to stop being crazy about food (6/12/02)I had an epiphany a couple weeks ago. That's nothing strange. Trouble is, they don't change my life in any lasting fashion. Except this time. Really. And it's only fair that I share this epiphany with the rest of the world, or at least anyone bored enough to listen. Ready?...
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Age changes perspective on rides (6/5/02)To a kid from Sikeston, Mo., a trip to Six Flags over St. Louis is about as good as it gets. Yes, there's Disney World, but how often does that happen? Maybe once a childhood. That's about all the average parent can afford or endure. But Six Flags is just perfect. It's close to home, so there's only about two hours of "are we there yet are we there yet." The family car can get there on one tank...
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New cards call for new outlook (5/22/02)Greeting card aisles put a lot of pressure on the average woman. We agonize over finding the ideal picture with the ideal sentiment. Why do you think there are so many different lines of greeting cards? There are country-style cards and post-modern cards. There are cards specifically for Latino and African-American consumers. Some are blank inside and some have long poems that female recipients read and male recipients pretend to read...
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Being a good sport at softball (5/8/02)People might assume a girl who tops 6 feet and has no apparent physical disabilities is good at sports, particularly basketball. They wouldn't know that she could rebound pretty well but could not, under any circumstances, score a goal. Or that, in volleyball, the ball was more likely to smack her between the eyes, leaving a temporary glasses imprint on her face, than to end up back over the net...
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Framed in Florida (5/1/02)My last pair of glasses lasted five years. You'd be amazed how long glasses, clothes, shoes, haircuts, furniture, dental work and cars will last for a person in the journalism business. Might have something to do with that whole eat-or-get-new-glasses dilemma that faces all of us writers...
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The hazards of matching friends (4/24/02)Few human drives are so strong as the desire to make matches, particularly for married women. Maybe we are so blissfully happy in our marriages that we want the same thing for our friends. Or maybe we're so miserable that we'd like a good friend to be suffering, too...
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Mom, please come cook for us again (4/17/02)The assortment of cookbooks given me as gifts over the years, the cooking column in the Home & Garden section of today's newspaper and the various e-mailed recipes I receive lead me to believe there is a segment of our society cooking at home on a regular basis...
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On disasters, detergent, comb-overs (4/10/02)For every notable event that happens, there's a guy trying to make a buck off it. Maybe that's understandable. People have to support themselves somehow. But the sinking of the Titanic? If you haven't seen it yet, you have until Sunday to catch "Titanic: The Artifact Exhibit" at the St. ...
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Is marriage more than words can say? (4/3/02)The most wonderful retired couple sat in the coffee shop Tuesday morning. They each had a cup of coffee and a pastry and sat on the same side of the table instead of facing each other. There wasn't so much as a newspaper to entertain them. They sat there in almost complete silence, sipping coffee and studying passersby. Their arms lightly touched. One time in half an hour, she looked over at him and whispered something, and he shook his head and smiled...
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A few tips can make us hair Camelot (3/27/02)Standing in mind-numbing lines with hundreds of other vultures, picking at the carcass of Albertsons during its going-out-of-business sale, it struck me. There is some bad hair 'round these parts. Yes, there may have been people looking at me thinking the same thing. My new hairstyle is very Sharon Stone two years ago, but it takes two years for styles to migrate from the West Coast to Cape Girardeau...
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Guide to discovering how much you bore your friends (3/20/02)It was 3 a.m. Sunday during my vacation, and a cool breeze swept across the porch as I regaled my Pensacola friends with the story I like to call "How Various Mixed Drinks at Mardi Gras 1998 Almost Landed Heidi on 'Girls Gone Wild' Before Fate Intervened."...
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Big thighs join daffodils as harbingers of spring (3/6/02)The days are getting longer. The air is getting warmer. The daffodils will bloom, the birds of spring will chirp. And, along with all the other astonishing harbingers of spring, Heidi Hall's winter thighs will emerge into the light. Apparently this event, equal in magnitude to a solar eclipse, is going to happen in sunny Florida on a long weekend later this month -- during shorts weather. ...
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How to outwit the one you love (2/27/02)One would like to think that love is a many-splendored thing, love is blind, love can move mountains, etc. And maybe for some women it is all those things. I think those women are the serial daters, falling hard for someone and then moving on quickly after a broken heart...
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Someone could make a fortune off disgusting habits (2/20/02)We're all raised with the same parental admonitions on gross behavior: "Stop picking your nose!" "Don't chew your nails! They'll bleed!" "Get your finger out of your ear and get a Q-Tip." But for some reason, we revert to gross behavior to some extent in adulthood, once we're away from our mothers' critical stare for long periods of time. Admit it...
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Woe to the thief who would take my identity (2/13/02)Back in the old days, theft was simple. You had something some jerk wanted. He took it. You didn't have it anymore. Take my sisters and their bikes. My favorite way to torture them was by claiming that the garage door opener could work from the Wal-Mart parking lot, allowing the neighbor kids to steal their bikes while Mom shopped and we sat in the car. It was a fate every bike-loving child dreaded...
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When the Mothman cometh, the wife goeth (2/6/02)(Warning: This column contains spoilers for "A Beautiful Mind" and "The Mothman Prophecies.") Sometimes things happen in a woman's life that make her wonder whether her marriage is all it should be. I've experienced a series of them lately. You be the judge...
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Bra straps, insincerity and stupidity - the area's pet peeves (1/16/02)The concept of a pet peeve is fascinating. People actually manage to narrow the field down to one irritating thing when there are so many happening around us every day. But the nature of a pet peeve is that there's only one -- a single thing that irritates a person more than anything else without really mattering in the big picture...
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Would you like that toilet seat in clover or seafoam? (1/9/02)There's a distinct difference between men and women when it comes to seeing color. Never mind the fact that one in 10 men have some degree of colorblindness, which means they don't perceive colors in the same shades and intensities as people without the condition. That's why women are forced to repeat the phrase, "You're wearing THAT?"...
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'Party of Lame' differs from past New Year's Eves (1/2/02)I spent New Year's Eve 2001 at home playing board games and watching Dick Clark with The Other Half and five friends. I mentally named the event "Party of Lame." During our annual reflection on New Year's Eves past, Mr. Half and I had no recollection of last year's observance, which is a bad thing no matter how you look at it: Either we had alcohol-induced blackouts or it wasn't even worth committing to memory...
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Junior high preparation the key to avoiding shy bladder (12/12/01)It isn't a fear of terrorists keeping some people from air travel this season, bringing financial ruin to the airline industry. It isn't the minuscule seats or the threat of lost luggage. It's something far more horrible, inconceivable even. It's paruresis, and it's tearing our nation apart...
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Identity problems apparently unsolved by trip (12/5/01)Getting mistaken for a man over the phone is one thing. A woman might have a deeper voice, the person on the other end might be too busy to listen for subtle intonations, and the next thing you know, that woman is being called "sir." Happens to me all the time...
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Surprise dinners and redecorating make great television (11/21/01)The two best shows on cable television are "Trading Spaces" on TLC and "Door Knock Dinners" on the Food Network. You may disagree, but you'd be wrong. They're both wonderful because they rely on the element of surprise and the potential for seriously upsetting people...
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Winter closet cleanup leads to clothing revelations (10/31/01)With frost on the car and my breath visible in the early Sunday morning air, it seemed safe to do the annual clothes switch/closet cleanup. That's when, as a Missouri resident, you are led to believe winter is imminent, so you put away all your shorts and polos and pull out all your sweaters and wool pants. And then, when your warm-weather clothes are pushed to the very back of that really inconvenient closet under the stairs, it heats up to about 80 degrees...
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Living vicariously through a couple of twentysomethings (10/24/01)As I round the bend toward age 32 and seven years of wedded bliss, I have to admit the heart-pounding intensity in my marriage has been gone for some time now. It makes watching the complicated mating dances of the singles in my life all the more interesting...
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Mr. Potatohead vs. Nintendo - Who wins these days? (10/10/01)Sunday's newspaper article on the toy shows in Memphis and Cape Girardeau was completely fascinating. It's not just because we never get over our love for great toys -- I'm not sure how the curators in both cities will keep visitors from playing with the displays...
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There are times to cut loose and have fun (10/3/01)Cape Girardeau-area residents can be a deadly serious bunch. It's probably the heavy German heritage. Anybody who has watched German television knows they are some serious folks, beer or no beer. Or maybe it's all the Republicans. Somehow "conservative" and "chug-a-lug contest" don't belong in the same sentence...
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String of incidents conjures up the Bosses of Jobs Past (9/26/01)"Dilbert" is my favorite comic strip. I find the "pointy-haired boss" references slightly less entertaining now that I've clawed my way up to middle management, but it's still the best. An advance peek at today's strip, an offer to address an administrative assistants' group and a mass e-mailing of management tips combined to dredge up memories of the Bosses of Jobs Past...
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King-size mattress could end couple's restless nights (9/19/01)While recovering last month from my tonsillectomy and septoplasty -- a surgery to straighten a deviated septum -- I vacated the marital bed in favor of our guest room. Mostly it was because I was petrified at the thought of The Other Half rolling over and hitting my nose. My buddy Joy described a septoplasty perfectly: "You come out of the anesthesia, see people across the room and immediately think, 'Those people might touch my nose.'"...
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Best place to play tennis is on a private court (9/5/01)No doubt you've been watching the display of sheer power, athleticism and depth perception we call the U.S. Open. I certainly have. It's amazing the way players never lose a game because they can't get a single serve over the net. And it's unbelievable the way they actually return the ball instead of flailing their rackets wildly about three feet away, believing they are about to hit it...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: ACE TONSILLECTOMY KIT SMALL COMFORT AFTER SURGERY (8/29/01)After careful consideration, I've decided I would wish a tonsillectomy on my worst enemy. It would be the perfect way to make my worst enemy plead for death without actually dying -- the ideal punishment for his evil ways. My tonsillectomy and septoplasty operation was a week ago, and Tuesday was my first full day back at work. ...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: TAKING SIDES ON THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES FACING CAPE (8/15/01)The harshest criticism of my career -- not counting Speak Out -- was delivered by a tipsy man at a local bar several weeks ago. I'm not sure whether he got drunk so he'd have the nerve to get in my face or whether he was going to get into somebody's face that night, and mine just happened to get in the way...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: MARRIAGE FORCES WIFE INTO ROLE OF 'OLDER WOMAN' (8/1/01)The Other Half is having his hair colored this morning. He's thinking auburn with some dramatic blond streaks. This comes after some self-inflicted hair color -- basically using hydrogen peroxide, lemon juice and sunlight to lighten his close-cropped 'do. He read about it in his Men's Health magazine. The article suggested it would turn his hair blond. It went orange instead. Bright orange. Just like my hair, only overprocessed due to the drying effect of the chemicals...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: MAYBE EVERYTHING COMING MY WAY ISN'T FOR THE BEST (7/25/01)It all began with that cursed fortune cookie. Swollen with greasy sesame chicken -- Southeast Missouri style -- I cracked the cookie open and pulled out that fateful slip of paper. "Everything will come your way." Now THAT'S a fortune, I thought. Riches, success, Russell Crowe wearing his "Gladiator" costume .....
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: FINDING VIRGUAL LOVE (OR AT LEAST A CUTE DATE) (7/11/01)Finding a decent man or woman to date these days is just too easy. Back in my day (she said, leaning on her cane and rubbing her arthritic knees), we had to work for a date. We took what we could get, and we liked it! Take the guys I dated. (Please.) The first one I met at church. The second one I met at church. The third one I met at church. Seeing a trend here?...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: TOOTHBRUSH SHARING USHERS IN NEW ERA WITH PET (6/27/01)My gag reflex is very healthy. Too healthy, really. That's why I can't have children. One poopy diaper and BAM! double the mess. So imagine my reaction last week when I woke up in the middle of the night, staggered into the bathroom and discovered .....
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: MEDICAL QUASTIONNAIRES CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SICK (6/20/01)There's nothing like going to a new doctor to either make you appreciate your good health or feel as though you're falling apart. I'm talking about those long medical questionnaires they require. My latest was for my new dentist. It was one page, front and back, single spaced, small type, packed with inquiries about my maladies...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: FINANCIALLY INEPT COUPLE TRYING NEW APPROACH (6/13/01)Most married couples have a thrifty half and a happy-go-lucky half. That works out well, because the first one keeps a roof over their heads, and the second one keeps them from being secretly mocked due to cheap Christmas gifts. The Other Half and I used to be that way. He wanted to stay at the Hilton when we traveled, I argued for Motel 6. He wanted to eat at TGI Fridays, I argued for Shoney's...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: DECIDING BETWEEN THE STOMACH POUCH AND THE LAP-BAND (6/6/01)Is it just me, or is the Discovery Health Channel having an unusual number of documentaries on obesity these days? No wonder. They've got a ready-made audience. Practically every female I know has flirted with this diet or that. Some of us are hard-core dieters we haven't met one we won't try. And then there's my friend Kay, who explains away her extra 10 pounds by saying she's successfully fighting anorexia...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: AN ORANGE TAN IS BETTER THAN NO TAN AT ALL (5/30/01)Is everybody else noticing these beautiful women with gorgeous tans all over Cape Girardeau? I'm skeptical. Tans don't come easy here in the Midwest unless you're a construction worker or homeless. Otherwise, catching rays for a few hours on the weekends doesn't get you that deep, dark, savage tan...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: THE BUCK STOPS HERE WITH THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE (5/23/01)My sudden fascination with President Harry S. Truman began with last month's airing of an HBO original movie about his life. I have no life of my own. After watching Gary Sinise play Truman and then doing some research, I discovered Missouri's only president gets short shrift in the history books. He didn't just drop the A-bomb. He had his faults, but he was a good man who cared about people and agonized over the decisions he made...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: ON MOMS, SONS AND FALLING OUT OF TOUCH (5/15/01)Mother's Day provides the perfect opportunity to explore the relationship between men and their mothers. Unenlightened males sometimes spout off about women and their mothers. "You wanna know what your girlfriend is going to be like in 20 years? Look at her mother," they say...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: CRUELTY IN COMMERCIALS NOT JUST FOR WOMEN ANYMORE (5/8/01)There's a particularly cruel commercial on television right now. It's even worse than the PMDD medication commercial where the husband walks in, clearly sees the wife brushing her hair and asks, "What are you doing?" The wife screams, "What does it look like I'm doing?" causing him to back out slowly...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: SIX YEARS OF WEDDED BLISS. OK, FIVE. (5/1/01)Just about any family-style restaurant will force its waiters and waitresses to gather around your table and sing "Happy Birthday" while delivering a free piece of cake, causing you to smile graciously while deciding whether to strangle your relatives personally or hire a hit man...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: CONFESSIONS OF A PREPARED-FOOD JUNKIE (4/24/01)Most working women take a few shortcuts in preparing meals for their families. Maybe more than a few. Take my husband's aunt, who uses canned chicken and cut-up, store-bought tortillas in her chicken and "dumplings." Another friend has a lasagna recipe that doesn't require boiling the noodles. And what working mother hasn't popped the top off a jar of Ragu?...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: DREAMING ABOUT LIFE AS TONY SOPRANO, MAFIA BOSS (4/17/01)"The Sopranos" is violent, sexually graphic and features characters who drop the F-bomb so frequently that you stop noticing. Having said that, I'm on that show like Tony Soprano on a plate of mussels. And so are my HBO-subscribing friends -- including one who signed up over his cell phone after I described the March 31 episode -- and the 7 million folks who picked the Sopranos over the Oscars two Sundays ago...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: HAIRSTYLIST UNCOVERS CUSTOMER'S TWO-TIMING WAYS (4/10/01)It was just another mortifying moment, one of hundreds since my return to my beloved, native Southeast Missouri from the anonymity of the big city. Picture it. Major discount department store, 11 p.m. on a Saturday, potato chip aisle, wearing a very nice blouse with a very large ketchup stain from a hamburger eaten in the car only minutes before. A smiling man approaches...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: GYM PROMOTION PROMPTS THOUGHTS OF JUNIOR HIGH (3/26/01)You who dress out in disgustingly out-of-style gymsuits every day, waiting to be tortured by some evil coach ... Thank your lucky stars. Because there's going to come a day where the government won't pay for a sadistic person to force you to do unspeakable things with your body for an hour a day...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: ON APARTMENT LIVING, ANDY ROONY AND BEING 'PERFECT' (3/20/01)There's an art to apartment living. I should know. Since leaving my parents' residence in a middle-class Sikeston neighborhood, I've lived in two trailers (yes, I'll admit it!), one rental house, one guest house and a whopping eight apartments. That's counting the "luxury townhome" I'm in now, which features a gorgeous view of a parking lot from the back veranda (a concrete slab) and of the community Dumpster out front...
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STRANGER THAN FICTION: YOU CAN'T RING MY BELL, I DON'T LIKE IT (3/6/01)My friend Lynn recently allowed her 7-year-old to record the outgoing message on the family answering machine. It's a rite of passage for kids these days -- the first generation born into a world where everybody who has a telephone has an answering machine...