STRANGER THAN FICTION: WEDDING SHOWER LOOT MUCH APPRECIATED

My day off will be spent filling out thank-you notes in that drab style I've grown to appreciate in my years of wedding gift-giving.

"Dear Heidi: Thank you so much for the Japanese garlic crusher. Fred and I will get a lot of use out of it. Sincerely, Joan."

My in-laws gave me an after-the-fact wedding shower. Their hearts were no doubt touched by the fact my immediate family boycotted any wedding-related festivities after The Other Half and I chose to elope.

Oops. Like they say, can't please all the people all the time ...

Thank-you notes are a small price to pay for all the loot one receives at a wedding shower. Mr. Half and I never again will use a ratty towel to dry ourselves or a stained wooden spoon to stir a can of soup. Not us! We'll have brand-new, name-brand towels for the rest of our lives.

Every pot for the next 20 years -- every nice, T-Fal pot, that is -- will be lifted from the burner with a bright, cheery new pot holder.

This is pretty exciting for me. The pot holders I used previously were handed down from my mother when I moved out six years ago. One was woven myself on that god-forsaken pot holder weaving loom when I was 9, and it's not overly effective in keeping your hands safe.

Some of the repeat gifts were a little more challenging, like the four iced tea pots. Lord knows we love iced tea, but we can't justify more than using one at a time. My best friend Lynn's son has his first birthday coming up, that takes care of another one, and her brother is graduating Tuesday, so there goes the third.

But what to do with the fourth one?

It had the price tag still stuck on it, so Mr. Half and I elected to return it to the store. This was an uptown store, and the manager wouldn't give us money because we didn't have a receipt. This policy is based on the theory that some people steal iced tea pots and then try to return them for cash. If the store gives out cash, it loses retail value. If it trades for merchandise, it only loses wholesale value.

I've always prided myself on being resourceful, but STEALING AN ICED TEA POT? Where in the world would you put it? I can see it now: "Is that an iced tea pot under your shirt, Miss, or are you just happy to see us?"

Anyway, wedding showers are terrific, and I highly recommend them. Here's the kicker: You play shower games, but even if the bride loses, she gets all the prizes. I'm not kidding.

For example, we played a kitchen item word scramble game. Out of 20 words, I got 11, and that was with matching pictures printed on the bottom of the page. My mother-in-law paled visibly when she learned of my score, no doubt envisioning her son shopping in the children's department to find clothes small enough to fit his emaciated body.

Oh well. Mr. Half's aunt won the game and received a beautiful cutting board and chip clip set, which she immediately turned over to me. It was great.

In fact, I had so much fun, I may just get married all over again.

Nah.

Heidi Neiland is a member of the Southeast Missourian news staff.