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FeaturesDecember 24, 1994

Journalists aren't known for spouting phrases like, "Oh, cabana boy," so many of us have little sidelines to make an extra buck or two. Before you call to tell me you'll take the Bulls over the Pistons to cover the spread, I should tell you that MY little sideline is completely legal. It's making videos. You know, weddings, anniversaries, birthdays and such...

Journalists aren't known for spouting phrases like, "Oh, cabana boy," so many of us have little sidelines to make an extra buck or two.

Before you call to tell me you'll take the Bulls over the Pistons to cover the spread, I should tell you that MY little sideline is completely legal. It's making videos. You know, weddings, anniversaries, birthdays and such.

My video boss scheduled our crew to do a wedding last Saturday. This was the wedding to end all weddings. Four hundred guests. Huge church decorated for Christmas. Numerous bridesmaids and ushers.

This is exactly the kind of wedding I want to have, if it can be done for $300 or less. My parents, who have three daughters of marriageable age and another younger one, announced that their only contributions to my marital bliss would be a suitcase and a ladder. And I don't even live at home anymore.

So I don't see myself having a wedding like the couple I saw a week ago. For want of a more creative columnist, we'll call this couple John and Jane Doe.

Working at weddings is considerably different than attending them as a guest. When you're a guest, no one looks at you like they would some offending matter stuck to their shoes. Unenlightened people think video cameras -- nice, silent video cameras -- detract from a ceremony, but clicking, flashing still cameras are gifts from the Lord.

But working at weddings lets you sit back and judge impartially, like a listener on American Bandstand: "It's got some great dyed shoes, but you can't dance in them."

The message in John and Jane's wedding was based on "The Gift of the Magi." As everyone knows, it's the story of Jim and Della, a couple who don't have enough money to buy toilet paper, but who are determined to buy expensive gifts for one another, even if it kills them.

Della chops off her long hair to buy Jim a chain for his watch. Jim sells his watch to buy hair combs for Della. They both laugh hysterically when they discover their little mistake.

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Oops.

If I were the minister, I would have used the story as an example of poor marital communication. This is why I never pursued theology as a career. John and Jane Doe's minister used it to demonstrate the level of love one should have for his or her spouse.

"John and Jane, you should be like this couple," he said. "If you have that love, your only arguments will be about who loves who more. John will say, `Jane, I love you the most.' Then Jane will say, `But no, John! I love YOU more!'"

The ceremony was absolutely beautiful, but ENOUGH already. There is no way that couple will ever argue about who loves who more. Sure, there are those playful, newly-in-love conversations about how great the relationship is, but that ends pretty quickly.

Take it from one who knows. That "no, I love YOU more" will soon turn into, "Geemaneez, John! Would it absolutely kill you to put the damn toilet seat down for once in your life? I almost drowned!"

If good starts have anything to do with it, that couple will be married forever. But I guarantee that, before they die, they will argue about hair in the drain, how the checkbook should be balanced, her stoooooopid cousin Gertrude who won't quit coming over and why some towels are just for "show" and not for use.

Maybe I could add an extra sideline to my video career and offer free marital counseling. Never mind that I've never been married. I've seen these arguments occur, folks.

Nah.

~Heidi Nieland is a member of the Southeast Missourian news staff.

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