STRANGER THAN FICTION: UNDERWEAR WARNINGS REMEMBERED AFTER LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION

Who'd have thought such a little bit of a fabric could have such a huge impact on our lives?

It's an American tradition for parents to give a little warning to their young sons and daughters:

"Honey, be sure to wear clean underwear in case you're in a car accident."

And, like many American traditions, it was shunned in my childhood home. Mom never told us that -- she probably figured we'd wear clean underwear just for the joy of not feeling nasty, and she was right.

All five of us kids changed drawers every day with the exception of that week Mom went on vacation. She returned to find that my 8-year-old sister hadn't set foot in a bathtub since before we dropped Mom off at the airport.

"I could have sworn I heard water being run!" Dad said. "Really!"

But although our unmentionables were clean, they weren't always attractive. To this day, I think a pair of big, white Carter's briefs are tough to beat in terms of fit, durability and comfort. But you aren't exactly going to walk down the Victoria's Secret fashion show runway wearing 'em.

I may have to rethink my fashion sense.

I was watching a little late-night television last week and flipped to The Learning Channel. It carries a show where cameras follow patients and doctors from an accident site into the emergency room. On this particular show, a woman was in a car accident while wearing a skirt. In the course of her treatment by paramedics, her skirt blew up and there they were: plain white cotton briefs, being broadcast on national television.

She came out of everything just fine, so it's okay to talk about this.

Anyway, that old underwear adage came back to me. You really never know who is going to see things they were never meant to see. So maybe one should put her best foot forward in terms of undergarments.

I frequent a plus-sized women's clothing store -- okay, dammit, I'll call it what it is. A FAT SHOP. You happy?

This store recently began carrying thong underwear.

I see an occasional thong on Pensacola Beach, and they never look too comfortable. They're typically being worn by thin, busty young women, although occasionally a big girl will get her hands on one and become the laughing stock of the beach.

But in the privacy of one's own home, why not give the husband a cheap thrill? I walked over to the plus-sized underwear display with The Other Half in tow and picked up a leopard-print thong.

"Hey," I said playfully. "How'd you like to see me prancing around in a pair of these?"

There was a long silence. "Um," he finally replied. "Don't you prefer these white briefs over here?"

Guess I'll just have to drive very carefully.

And now, for a new concept in newspaper entertainment.

Moved by the stupid things I hear every day, I've decided to hand out `Idjit' Awards each week, beginning now.

This week's Idjit Award goes to a fan at a University of West Florida women's basketball tournament.

"HEY GIRLS!" he shouted. "IF YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT THE BALL, MAKE SURE IT GOES IN!"

Man. With coaching skills like that, I'm surprised the university didn't just snap him up.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.