STRANGER THAN FICTION: TIPS ON HANDLING DIVERSITY ISSUES AT WORK AND HARASSMENT VIDEOS

It's amazing what a few nasty lawsuits have done for big business.

We've developed a whole new corporate interest in instructing employees about avoiding sexual harassment, valuing diversity and working as a team.

Talk about all you need to know you learned in kindergarten.

The big companies I've worked for have taken great pains so that, should I tell a male co-worker that he's got some great pectoral muscles, they're protected in case Mr. Great Pecs sues me and the company both. They can show evidence that they tried to tell me not to comment on any muscle groups whatsoever.

And they mostly tried to instruct me through videotapes.

Here are a few examples of some memorable video clips I've seen over the last few years:

1. A white man walks up to a black man at work and says, "Hey, my brother, did you catch the basketball game last night?" The black man replies, "Basketball game? I was at the symphony!" The scene was to illustrate that the white man was a real dolt for assuming that the black man must enjoy basketball based on his race. The white man probably should be reprimanded for that, but he should be fired for continuing to use the phrase "my brother" in 1999.

2. A female mechanic shows up to repair a piece of machinery. The man who is using the machinery keeps asking for the woman's male co-worker, implying that he doesn't believe she can do the job.

The scene was to illustrate that the man was a real dolt for not believing a woman can make a mechanical repair. He should be reprimanded for that, but the woman should be wise enough to say, "Oh yeah? If you're going to be that way about it, I'll just ask my male co-worker to do this sweaty, complicated task!" Then she should return to her office and surf the Internet until 5 p.m.

She could occasionally mutter "chauvinist pigs" while she completed her online stock trading and planned her retirement.

3. A racially and ethnically diverse group of men and women sits around a table with a wise employer, as illustrated by his age and white hair. They're having a casual conversation about sexual harassment.

"Bob, what should I do if I'm sexually harassed?" one woman asks the employer.

He responds: "Well, Maria, you should immediately report it to your supervisor." The scene was to illustrate that upper-level management really DOES care if Maria's male co-worker tells her she's got "great cans."

4. A female supervisor calls her male employee into a conference room and shuts the door. "Joe," she says, "I'd be glad to give you that promotion, but first you're going to have to spend a little private time with me so I can determine whether you're the right man for the job."

The scene was to illustrate that sexual harassment can go both ways -- women can harass men. The problem is that the scene lacks one of those echoing, narrative voices of Joe's thoughts, which would say: "Wow! A promotion AND I get to make whoopie with the boss!"

I'd like to confess that I, Heidi Nieland, have been sexually harassed on the job. It was at a Ozark Mountain country and western radio station, which featured a whole 2,000 watts of pure FM stereo power. I was reading an obituary, part of the disc jockey's duties, and a co-worker pressed his bare cheeks to the booth window.

And I don't mean FACIAL cheeks.

I must say, I was a little rattled. It was absolutely the whitest skin I'd ever seen on a human being. I mangled the obituary horribly and barely got to a commercial before bursting into embarrassed giggles. It was extremely uncomfortable while being somewhat entertaining.

It wasn't the '90's, so we didn't have videos back then. And if we had, I doubt there would have been a scene in which a male employee moons a female co-worker while narrator deadpans: "Males mooning females in the workplace will not be permitted. Your cheeks are entirely too white and flabby, and nobody wants to see them. Likewise, males are discouraged from making farting noises by putting their hands in their armpits and then flapping their arms." Would a video have helped that fellow disc jockey know he shouldn't expose his private parts in a place of business? Probably not.

Perverts are perverts. Racists are racists. Chauvinists are chauvinists.

Videos won't change them. Something must happen in their lives to prove that the victims of their ignorance deserve to be treated with decency and respect.

It's just awful that we don't live in an era where people automatically know what constitutes acceptable behavior and what doesn't.

Until then, I've got an idea that would save companies a lot of money while still protecting them in the event of a lawsuit.

At orientation, instead of rolling those laughable videos, a supervisor should clearly state the following: "New employees, because you're sitting here with jobs, I'm assuming all of you are adult humans with some measurable level of intelligence. Therefore, I'll expect for you to avoid acting like a bunch of 3-year-olds or dumb animals. Treat your co-workers with dignity while maintaining your own. Nobody wants to see your private parts, hear your discourses on how people of other races and genders could be improved or imagine having any form of intimate contact with you.

"If you don't think you can handle this, leave now before any messy lawsuits muck up our day-to-day operations. Otherwise, consider yourself warned." CEOs and business owners, feel free to quote those lines verbatim. Free of charge.

And if that doesn't work, I've got a few video ideas for you.

Heidi Nieland is a former Southeast Missouri writer now living in Fort Lauderdale. Contact her at newsduo@herald.infi.net.