STRANGER THAN FICTION: THIRTY PROVES TO BE DIFFICULT BIRTHDAY FOR WOMEN

Skydiving seemed an even worse idea after Linda and Anita had to name their next of kin.

Linda and Anita are best friends with spring birthdays within a few weeks of each other.

They're turning 30 this year, a fact that seemed to disturb them deeply.

See, Linda is a fun-loving, well-liked newspaper editor. Anita is a shy, quiet mental health professional with a strong sense of justice. Both seemed like normal, sensible people.

That is, until they jumped out of an airplane over the Elberta, Ala., airport. And then got tattooed the next day.

Their behavior probably wouldn't bother me too much if my 30th birthday didn't loom in December. Sure, I'm having the normal feelings of "looks like I'll never be a child prodigy" and "the boys in Hanson are half my age yet have 50 times my annual income." But, so far, I haven't totally lost my mind.

Linda and Anita asked a group of friends to come along and watch their "tandem skydiving" -- what the experts call strapping yourself to a person who's even more nutty than you and jumping out of an airplane. The upside: Getting some fresh air and sunshine on the beautiful drive to Elberta, a small town celebrating its annual sausage festival. I really love sausage. The downside: Watching two dear friends possibly become the stars of "World's Most Shocking and Gross Videos" on Fox.

I went.

Ends up that skydivers are a totally different breed of people. By different, I mean weird. One man in the group approached us bearing a pack of birth control pills. He popped a couple in his mouth.

"I like to take birth control pills before jumping," he said. "Calms me down, makes my breasts firmer -- they're just great."

I think he probably kept breath mints in there for the shock value, but who knows? As Linda and Anita suited up, another one yelled, "Hey, Bob! Did you get those tandem parachutes all duck-taped up?"

"I think so," Bob replied. "We'll find out soon enough."

Linda and Anita laughed at that. A woman slid multi-paged documents under their noses.

"You can read this, but it'll take you a couple hours," she said. "It just says that you won't sue us if you get hurt, and if you do, we'll sue you back and take all your money. And it also has a place to put your next of kin."

Hilarious.

Stone sober, my friends climbed into the airplane and took off. Another member of our party, not as steely nerved as the birthday girls, was on her fourth beer of the morning. She looked heavenward as some parachutes blossomed.

"Linda, if only I cud be ash brave 'n' ash cra-shee as you, babe," she slurred at the top of her lungs. What a philosopher.

The jump went fine. For a cost of $160 each, plus $70 for the videotape, Linda and Anita showed they were still young daredevils and could prove it to the world.

I didn't want to go skydiving before, and I don't want to go now, but, as I approach 30, that might change. Best I think of a few insane activities to do right now.

1. Eat blowfish sushi.

2. Visit Ted Kaczynski in prison and discuss the joys of surfing the Internet with my brother.

3. Attend a Marilyn Manson concert.

4. Stand between George W. Bush and a television camera.

5. Travel to Eastern Europe and finally meet my Albanian cousins.

6. Join the World Wrestling Federation and announce that I'm going to "kick Sable's scrawny white butt."

7. Stop flossing.

8. Let The Other Half hit me on the back of the head as I cross my eyes and make a face.

9. Mix several varieties of hard liquor.

10. Get pregnant.

~Heidi Nieland is a former Southeast Missourian staff member who lives in Pensacola, Fla.