STRANGER THAN FICTION: THE CREDIT-CARD GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS

It was pay-day once again, bringing a sense of elation followed by a nagging feeling that I should sit down and pay bills.

It's best to warm up with a little one -- maybe the $29 to my cellular phone company. Then the utility bill, a tame $65, not bad for keeping the thermostat on a toasty 66 degrees all month. The car payment, a sizable chunk o' change, but at least one I can count on every month.

And then the Mother Of All Bills, the family VISA card. It's everywhere we wanted to be but couldn't afford to go.

Everyone fills out those credit card applications thinking the same thing. Together, now: "I'll only use it if there's an emergency."

Bullhockey. Come to find out, an emergency can be a $49 sweater that's on sale, but if you don't get it RIGHT NOW, some other, less deserving woman will buy it.

Or how about those semi-expensive dinners you charge? When you see them on the bill, you're furious because (A) you can't believe you charged a MEAL, for heaven's sake, and (B) you're not even hungry.

I opened the bill and found the same, ungodly balance and finance charge. But there was an added bonus, a Christmas card from the finance company.

The outside said "Season's Greetings." I couldn't believe it -- a Christmas card from the company that, if you listened closely, you could hear ripping my heart out.

The only thing left to do was entertain myself with appropriate rhymes for a Christmas card mailed from a credit card company. How 'bout this one, to be sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls:"

"You have used our card all ye-ar

Fa la la la laaa, la la la la

Now you're screwed 'cause the bill is he-re

Fa la la la laaa, la la la la.

Send us all your hard-earned money

Fa la la, la la la, laa laa laa

You spent too much and that's so funny.

Fa la la la la, la la la laaaaaaa."

Okay, okay, it's not the credit card company's fault. I knew the interest rate, I got the card and I used the card, enough said.

But maybe bills are the reason people act the way they do around Christmas. Yes, it's supposed to be the season of giving and cheer, yadda, yadda, yadda, but it's really the season of lousy driving.

Even I've become a victim. Last week, I flagrantly pulled into a parking space in front of someone else, something I've always hated other people for doing. Then I sat in my car until I saw the people go in so they wouldn't be naughty with their keys.

The Other Half hasn't been too cheerful, either. We were driving to the mall the other day when I asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"Oh, Sweetie," he said. "You being my wife is all the gift -- WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU STUPID *@%#&!"

And the other day, somebody driving in a COMPANY VEHICLE actually made an obscene gesture at me because I pulled out in front of him. What great public relations. Doesn't he realize that I do, indeed, own the whole darn road?

Fortunately, it won't be long before the trees, stockings and lights come down, Santa leaves his post in the middle of the mall and everything is marked down half-price.

I'll probably use my credit card to buy some stuff.

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.