STRANGER THAN FICTION: STILL WAITING ON WELCOME WAGON CALLS

So this is Cape Girardeau.

Howdy.

Last week, I said goodbye to my native Sikeston and its newspaper, the Standard Democrat. I said hello to the Southeast Missourian, a new Cape Girardeau apartment and a community I don't know much about. I'm lost, folks.

So it is probably best you get to know me, because these columns will more or less reflect the life of a 24-year-old, newly jilted, single woman (rebound alert, code red) in an unfamiliar town.

Here is a rundown of basic column topics.

EX-MR. DREAMS -- Formerly The Hope of my Dreams, this gentleman recently returned from a say-goodbye-to-bachelorhood trip to North Carolina and announced that he had ~"thought about a lot of things." Apparently the idea to call off our wedding two months before the date ~crossed his mind. But hey! At least there was that generous two-months' notice. It is so much better than being left standing at the altar.

But I'm not bitter. I kept the ring.

RAMSES -- He is short, has red and white hair and is the only male in my life. And he is about to be neutered. It's OK. He is just my cat.

When people first meet Ramses, it is easy to determine what their private lives are like. Unfortunately, my baby shares his name with a brand of birth prevention device, which I didn't realize when I picked the name out. If I tell someone about Ramses and they start to snicker, I know what they've been up to. If they say, ~"Oh, like the Egyptian pharaoh," I thank my lucky stars that at least someone appreciates the intelligence and foresight that went into naming my cat.

It is just a matter of time before the neighbor kids start calling me ~"the weird lady with all the cats." I have no life.

MY HEIGHT/WEIGHT -- I am 6 feet, 3 inches tall and weigh -- oh, please! Did you really think I was going to tell you? Many people find my height fascinating, intimidating or at least worthy of comment, like, ~"How's the weather up there?" These people I kill immediately and feed to Ramses (see entry above). My personal favorite was the man who, upon seeing me walk into a local eatery, could say nothing but~ "Gaaaawwwwwd." But he was drunk, so it might have been the impact of the double vision.

I am about to join a local fitness center. For the first time in years, I will be wearing makeup to work out (see Ex-Mr. Dreams entry). This working out thing has GOT to be a success, because I refuse to buy bigger clothing, even though I can no longer wear jeans and tie my shoes at the same time. Very bad when your shoe becomes untied in public, let me tell you!

It is the social eating thing that gets me. You get together with a friend, and what do you do? Have lunch. You go on a date to where? A restaurant. Of course, this sort of activity just took a sudden drop, so maybe my weight will too.

MY APARTMENT -- This wasn't a hot topic in Sikeston, but then there weren't cockroaches bungee jumping from the cabinets in my apartment there. In fact, the Roach War of 1994 begins tonight with my first surprise attack. I will use three bombs and a toxic spray. Chemical warfare is sometimes the only effective method.

That's basically it, although the column menu will change on occasion. If you have any amusing topics, let me know. Wish me luck.

Heidi Nieland is the newest member of the Southeast Missourian's news staff.