STRANGER THAN FICTION: SOMETIMES SILENCE IS THE BEST POLICY

Women are usually honest about the men they're dating. They tell their friends details about dates -- whether or not he paid for the movie, whether or not he cried when E.T. "kicked the asteroid," whether or not he slobbered during the goodnight kiss.

Best friends even know everything about each other's love lives. Girls start sharing the details about the boys they like from the very first hormonal stirrings. Remember those adolescent conversations that always ended in a screech?

Girl 1: So, like, we were standing in line in the cafeteria, and like, he didn't know I was there, so he turned around and accidentally hit me IN MY BOOB!

Girl 2: (incredulously) No way.

Girl 1: Way.

Both girls: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Things don't change much as we girls age, either. We usually have one best friend who knows every single thing about us from our weight to our average monthly phone bill.

Men don't believe these kind of relationships exist. When something happens between a man and a woman and he says, "You didn't tell (insert friend's name here) about this, did you?" and she says, "I can't believe you're asking me that!" -- you'd better believe about 30 people have the story in various forms by now.

But as open as we are with each other, there's one thing that remains sacred. Never, EVER openly criticize your friend's significant other if the relationship is still going.

Sure, after it's all over, your friend will say, "If you knew this about Hubert, WHY, oh WHY didn't you tell me?" But she won't remember how she didn't speak to you for days after you commented on Hubert's lack of class when he danced nude on the coffee table at your birthday party.

Which brings me to a delicate situation.

Lynn is my very best friend in the entire world. She saw me through my relationship with The Other Half when we were together, then apart, then together, then apart FOREVER AND I REALLY MEAN IT, and then married. Lynn can turn even the most lousy situation into something laughable.

So you can imagine my concern when I met her latest fling, Ernie, who was described on the phone as having "the most beautiful green eyes you've ever seen."

She didn't mention the greasy brown hair down to his shoulder blades or the fact that he was testosterone-challenged and STILL trying to grow a beard. The thing was in bits and pieces all over his face, not in one clump of hair how you'd expect a beard to be.

On top of everything else, Ernie didn't speak. He watched people speak and occasionally flashed Lynn a shy smile, but didn't participate in a conversation more intense than "pass the salt."

When Ernie left for home after our meeting, I was expected to pass judgment. "Sooooo, what d'ya think?" Lynn asked, as any woman would.

"He's really a doll! Wow!" I replied with a little too much emotion. I'm not exactly Meryl Streep.

I'm not sure Lynn believed me, but in this situation, being a lousy liar is better than being an honest ex-friend.

Nowadays I don't care what people think about my man. Mr. Half is tall, dark and handsome, and nobody can tell me otherwise. But back when I was dating a 5-foot, 8-inch, 40-year-old divorced Filipino with no less than five children with two ex-wives, I appreciated my friends' lack of comment.

Now I'm sorry nobody ever smacked my 19-year-old head, but if they had, I would have said, "I LOVE him and I don't want to LOSE him!"

What an idiot.

~Heidi Nieland is a member of the Southeast Missourian news staff.