STRANGER THAN FICTION: SOME CUT RIGHT TO THE CHASE IN NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN ADS

Election Day -- just one week away -- is journalism Hades. We have to compile the results in a timely, accurate fashion, interview the winners and losers and get the whole thing into the newspaper on deadline.

But I absolutely can't wait.

I'm not just eager for Nov. 7 because I enjoy the excitement of a newsroom at full throttle. I also want another ugly and petty campaign season to be over.

Granted, the tragic death of Gov. Mel Carnahan put a stop to some of the nasty advertising in Missouri races. It's tough to be really hateful about politicking when a respected fellow candidate is killed on his way to a campaign stop.

Of course, Illinois candidates weren't affected by political fallout from that horrible plane crash and were able to proceed as usual. Therefore, I am free to give Gary Forby and Jack Woolard, candidates for the 117th District state representative seat, the So Bizarre It's Actually Funny Award for political advertising.

One of their ads features a talking sheep. Another shows one of the candidates, portrayed by a highly skilled actor, on the run from an angry mob.

At least they went ahead and dropped right to the basest level of campaign advertising instead of sinking there slowly.

In fact, after watching all the negative advertising this season, I think I could write copy for my own campaign ad.

We'll call my pretend opponent Gertrude Butkus.

"In the race for state representative, one candidate is showing her true colors. Gertrude Butkus is a liberal who wants to spend your tax dollars impregnating welfare mothers and using $100 bills as confetti at parades. In addition, she's on the record as voting to cut Social Security and Medicare, even keeping her own grandmother strapped to a bed and eating off-brand cat food to survive. Furthermore, Gertrude Butkus wants to take money away from schoolchildren and bet it at the dog track. It's common knowledge she was part of a St. Louis prostitution ring before running for office.

"Heidi Hall, restoring dignity to the 158th District."

Of course, I'd have to find the worst picture ever taken of Ms. Butkus and run it in black-and-white next to a gorgeous color photo of myself, my teeth white and straight and one of my chins eliminated through the magic of air brushing.

* It's Halloween, so have a safe and fun one, however you decide to celebrate.

The Other Half and I haven't ever been home for Halloween, which means I've never seen the joy in little boys' and ghouls' faces looking up at me, their bags held out expectantly.

We bought some Halloween pencils just in case we had some trick-or-treaters this year. Orange with little black bats on them, the pencils were purchased after a long debate.

I thought pencils made the best Halloween gift. They're useful, don't contribute to tooth decay and parents don't have to worry that their kids will be hurt by them.

Mr. Half groaned at the idea.

"The neighborhood kids will hate us!" he said. "We'll be the nerds who gave out pencils!"

A co-worker also pointed out that pencils CAN be used for harm, once sharpened.

So Mr. Half is buying candy. I'm sticking with the pencils.

At least I can't eat those before the kids get to our place.