STRANGER THAN FICTION: SELF-APPRAISAL MAKES FOR LONG, REFLECTIVE WEEKEND

It happened again.

My boss handed me a self-appraisal form, the harbinger of my annual employee review. Last year, that review resulted in a cost-of-living raise and a week of weighing whether I'd die quicker by throwing myself into the Gulf or watching The WB.

The self-appraisal form is a little bit like the psychological profile form I had to complete before getting my last job -- you know the right answers but wouldn't dare put them down.

"Have you ever felt like screaming at your boss?" it asked. Screaming at my boss? Puh-leeze! I've had bosses that I'd gladly give swirlies if I didn't think a restraining order and long, expensive trial would follow.

But I didn't write that. I checked "no."

Fast forward five years. I spent the first weekend of the New Year thinking about a couple of things.

First, when I was at Sikeston Junior High rocking out to Prince's "1999," I never thought I'd actually live to write that number on checks. And I certainly never thought I'd spend the first few minutes of that magical year listening to a co-worker slur, "I used to be a cheerleader for a Japanese baseball team! Watch! Gooooooo, Eagles!" (Crash.)

Second, I thought about how to fill my self-appraisal form with accomplishments and future goals that would make an employer shiver with anticipation at the thought of what an asset I'll be in the coming years. Let's face it: An honest and accurate self-appraisal would get anybody fired.

Think about the questions. "Since my last performance review, I have accomplished the following in my job." Hmmmmm. I'm only stealing one ream of computer paper a month, but that's mostly because The Other Half can snag some at his office now, too.

I've also mentally nicknamed all my co-workers based on their bizarre physical attributes and behavior. How do you like that, Dumbo?

"Here are some areas where I need to improve." That's a tricky one. An honest, humble answer can turn around and bite you if your boss is having a hard time coming up with enough criticism.

Honestly, I probably ought to get to work on time at least a couple of days per week. And those two-hour, three-martini lunches aren't a good idea, either.

I wrote, "I need to share my vast job knowledge with my fellow employees and stop keeping it all to myself so we can have a better product."

Question three. "Here are some things that would make my job more effective and satisfying." The true answer: A 20-percent raise, a promotion and a corner office.

My answer: Everything is beeaauuutifffulllll, in its own waaaaaaayyyy... .

And finally, "Although I am not qualified at this time, I would like to work toward a position as: President of these United States. Supermodel. Duchess of York. Olympic gold medalist. Grammy Award-winning vocalist. CEO of whatever company makes Furby.

I didn't put down any of those things.

So now I'll turn it in and bite my nails for a couple of weeks, coming in before the boss, leaving after her, hoping that she'll forget in two weeks what she noticed over 12 months.

And I'll wonder whether those well crafted answers on my self-appraisal were enough to sway her opinion of me.

Maybe I'd better send her a fruit basket.

~Heidi Nieland is a former Southeast Missourian staff writer who lives in Pensacola, Fla.