STRANGER THAN FICTION: ROMANTIC IDEAS BETTER IN THEORY THAN IN PRACTICE

When showering in twos, someone inevitably gets left out in the cold.

We all want to improve our relationships, returning them to the days when a quiet, gourmet dinner for two followed by whisperings of sweet nothings sounded more appealing than a delivered pizza followed by pro wrestling on WCW Monday Nitro.

We long to return to the days when our mates gazed at us appreciatively instead of glaring at us and yelling, "Geez, Heidi! You're blocking the TV and the Packers just scored!"

We yearn to feel that our husbands are actually listening to our hopes, dreams and fears, responding with understanding hugs instead of: "What? Did you say something? Hey, uh, could you pass the salt?"

To that end, we ladies try to do romantic things that sometimes work, sometimes don't. You have to learn the hard way that covering oneself in plastic cling wrap is the stuff of cheesy women's magazines.

The average man who's been in a relationship for a long time doesn't care if you're covered in cling wrap or $100 bills. If he's interested, he's interested. If he's not, he's not.

So learn from my experience and that of my friends. Here are some things that really DIDN'T work for us:

-- Thong panties. Yes, it's OK to discuss them in a family newspaper. Just turn on the television, and you'll see women prancing about on the beach showing the general public their assets.

Thong panties even come in the larger women's sizes now -- equal opportunity discomfort, I guess -- so I bought a pair just to try them out. Dumbest $9 I ever spent. The sight of me wearing them was repulsive, plus there are just certain places on your body you'd just as soon not expose to fabric.

-- Flowers for guys. If a woman gets flowers on her desk at work, she's the talk of the office. All her female co-workers are staring at her with envy, wishing THEIR men were so courteous. A bouquet on your desk is a great conversation piece. Everyone comments on how beautiful it is, asks who sent it, checks the card when you're in the bathroom.

It's great.

But a man sees a bud vase arrive on his desk, and it's not the same. He assumes the whole room is questioning his sexual persuasion. My friend Penny was dating a guy who worked in the same building. On the day she sent him a half-dozen red roses, he appeared in her office carrying -- what else? -- a half dozen red roses. She assumed it was just a nice coincidence until she read the card, which was addressed to him!

Sometimes guys aren't too bright.

-- Dual showers. It seems like a good idea to slip into the shower stall with your husband for a cheap little thrill, but it always turns out the same way. Someone is left standing in the back part of the shower shivering, someone else is hogging all the hot water and in our case, someone ends up slipping and lying bruised on the bathroom floor with a curtain rod on top of him.

-- Weeknight dates. You set that Wednesday-night date and hope for the best, planning every detail ... until your boss steps through the doorway with a stack of papers higher than Robert Downey Jr. at a cast party.

Of course, hope springs eternal, and even after one romantic disaster, we girls tend to keep plugging away. I'm trying to think of something romantic to do for The Other Half right now.

But it's hard to think when your thong underwear ain't where it's supposed to be.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.