STRANGER THAN FICTION: REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE (WITHOUT THE EXTRAS)

Editor's note: Heidi Nieland's column does not appear today. This is a Stranger than fiction column that was first printed Jan. 14, 1995, in the Southeast Missourian.

Time marches on, and technological advances are the order of the day, even if I refuse to advance with them.

My mom and dad were the last parents on the block to get a microwave, VCR, answering machine and food processor. Like a genetically transmitted defect, the tendency to stall found its way into my personality. If I ran the Southeast Missourian, for example, we would still be setting type by hand.

"Computers? Bah!" I'd say when the IBM salesman called at my door. "We always got along just FINE without computers."

Even I have to agree that microwaves, VCRs and yes, computers can be mighty handy at times. But what about all these newfangled options one can order in telephone service these days?

My friend Ben recently moved out of his folks' house and went through the whole getting-the-phone hassle. This is only equalled by the getting-the-cable hassle, during which you have to be frozen inside your apartment lest you leave and the cable dude visits.

Ben called the friendly neighborhood telephone company for basic touch-tone service and none of the extras.

The service representative couldn't believe it. He outlined Ben's options -- Call Waiting, Call Forward, Three-Way Calling, Caller I.D., Call Blocker -- they were limitless and a real bargain at about $40 a month.

Why does anyone need all that stuff?

I'll never forget the thrill of having my first answering machine, given to me three years ago. It was a bottom-of-the-line piece of trash that could only answer on the first ring, but by golly, you could screen your calls with it, and call screening is the coolest part of answering machines.

You know the routine.

MACHINE: Hello, this is Heidi. I can't come to the phone, so please leave a message after the beep.

CALLER: Uh, yeah, this is Lynn. Just wanted to see if you...

HEIDI: (quickly picking up phone) I'm here. I thought you were going to be someone from work.

I'm just kidding, Mr. Rust. Really!

Some of my friends, including the aforementioned Lynn, have Call Waiting, clearly the most irritating invention known to mankind. When I call Lynn and she picks up on the first or second ring, I know I'm the only person on the line.

If it is five or six rings, she is either trying to get rid of someone on the other line or get them to shut up long enough to answer Call Waiting. Then I'll either get immediate attention, where she goes BACK to the other line and explains Heidi is calling long distance, or I'll get ditched with a quick, "Can I call you back?"

It's like some sort of popularity contest. But then, it drives Lynn crazy to hear a busy signal, because all her OTHER friends have Call Waiting, too. Guess it goes both ways.

Then there's the cellular phone, which, according to advertisers, is no longer a luxury. It's a necessity.

For years, people have been making 15-minute commutes to and from work successfully without the aid of cellular service. Some have even broken down on the side of the road and LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT.

But times, they are a'changin', and now just about everybody except me has a squiggly antenna sticking out of the roof of their car. When they first became popular, I remember getting tons of calls like this:

"Heidi, this is (insert name here). You'll never guess where I am. I'm in my CAR south on I-55 about to get off on the Sikeston exit. Yep, got my car phone today!"

For now, I'll stick with that basic, in-home service, thank you. The long-distance bills eat me up as it is.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.