STRANGER THAN FICTION: PAY YOURSELF FIRST AND OTHER FINANCIAL FALLACIES

Last week's edition of USA Weekend had an article about a group of middle-aged-and-over ladies who were raking in money hand-over-fist in an investment club. They'd learned how to diversify their investments -- 5 percent here, 10 percent there -- to become self-supporting.

Grrrrrr.

My financial portfolio, more commonly referred to as The Bill Basket, consists of statements from several different companies, a box of envelopes, stamps, two calculators and assorted receipts. Twice a month, just after payday, I take my finances and mail them to other people.

That's my definition of diversification. Owe lots of people various amounts.

They tell me every couple has two parts, the thrifty, cheapskate part and the generous, moneybags part. Gender makes no difference, although old-fashioned humorists usually portray the woman as coming home with bags of clothes and the man fretting over the bills.

Not in our house. Nosiree. We're both equally stupid when it comes to money.

Actually, we're thrifty about different things. I see no problem with keeping the heat at 65 degrees or less all winter long. Pull on your long johns, slip into those slippers, and 65 degrees is enough to keep anyone warm.

The Other Half is a 70-degree type, which results in the Thermostat Wars. He wakes up after I've gone to work, finds the thermostat at 62, and promptly bumps it up to 70. I come home, realize that I'm comfortable and find the heat is on. I turn it back to 64, thinking this is a compromise, and he bumps it back to 68.

And so it goes, and so it goes... .

We've got a fireplace, but we're fire-impaired. He won't touch one, and mine burn up all the kindling and go out. The big logs never light, and people who say they do are liars.

Mr. Half also is particular about his clothes, right down to the Calvin Klein drawers at $12 a pair. No Fruit of the Looms for my man; they "just don't feel the same."

Right.

But watch out for him in the grocery store. Mr. Half can sniff out a 2-cent difference between Brand A and Brand B from 12 aisles away. I watched the same man who can't remember "cold for bright colors, hot for whites" compute the savings we'd get by purchasing the five-package container of frozen bagels instead of the singles.

Back to the older ladies' investment group. Their first rule of investment was "pay yourself first." Before you dole out one cent to your creditors, they advised, put something back.

I used to have a little investment down in Sikeston, where my broker looked over my assets like a mother hen. He tried and tried to get me to contribute more of my income, Lord bless him, giving me printouts to show how much I could retire on if I'd spend as much on savings each day as I did canned sodas.

A husband and new car later, it's gone, gone, gone and cryin' won't bring it back, as the old country and western song says.

But it's time to get serious about this. The news says Social Security will be broke in 30 years. In 30 years, I'll be 56. Do you see a problem here?

It's time to stop thinking the government will care for me in my old age, although they're taking generous hunks out of my paycheck now. It's time to start my own savings plan, which the local savings institutions say I can do service-charge free if I start with $500.

Guess I'll take out a loan.

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.