STRANGER THAN FICTION: OLD FUDDY-DUDDYISM DOESN'T HIT SUDDENLY

It's insidious.

Used to be, you cuddled with your boyfriend in a darkened movie theater. Over the years, you started thinking, "Could you people get a room? Some of us are trying to watch a movie here."

Used to be, you trotted around town in the latest styles. Later, you started thinking, "Put some clothes on. You look like a tramp."

And used to be, you risked permanent hearing loss by cranking up the stereo in your car.

Slowly, you began glaring at young hip-hoppers while you listened to Dr. Laura and National Public Radio.

At least, that's what happened in my case.

Lord, help me.

I certainly never planned for this. I remember smirking at my extremely religious mother for listening to talk radio and the oldies station in her car. When I'd switch over to MY music, she'd say, "Listen to those lyrics! And that sexual beat!" She actually pounded on the dashboard once to illustrate the sexual beat behind "Obsession" by Animotion.

(To Mom's credit, the lyrics on that 1985 song included the classic line: "Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?" But never try logic on a 15-year-old.) Today, thanks to my old fuddy-duddyism, I'm stunned by lyrics like: "Baby, move your butt, butt, butt ... let me see that thooooonnnggg."

Now I'm mostly listening to the all-disco station, enjoying the relative purity of acts such as K.C. & The Sunshine Band.

Even more often, I switch to talk radio. The morning news lets me know what's going on in my world. "Talk of the Nation" presents the opportunity to hear from all types of learned people. Dr. Laura Schlessinger gets me in the bitchy mood I need to deal with difficult people on the job.

And you KNOW you're an old fuddy-duddy when you become addicted to Dr. Laura.

Let me clarify by saying I don't agree with everything she says.

She's a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs with the whole gay thing. And having nude photos of oneself posted on the Internet should disqualify one from casting judgment on certain issues.

However, I've come to believe that most of Dr. Laura's callers deserve her tongue-lashings. These are the same people who believe going on "The Jerry Springer Show" is the answer to their marital problems.

First of all, haven't they figured out not to call if they're living with someone without the benefit of marriage? For Dr. Laura, that negates any other problem the person has.

The caller could have contracted the Ebola virus and Dr. Laura would say, "Wait, did you say you were living with someone and aren't married? That makes you a SHACK-UP HONEY! And shack-up honeys get the Ebola virus!"

The rest call her with moral and ethical dilemmas that even Richard Nixon could have easily sorted out.

My latest form of old fuddy-duddy entertainment is to see whether my judgment matches Dr. Laura's.

You can take the following test, based on actual Dr. Laura callers, to see if you qualify to host your own radio talk show.

A. Should I allow my 14-year-old daughter to hang out with her friends at a movie theater or video arcade until well after midnight?

B. My mother, who is in her 50s, suddenly quit her job and funded a two-week shopping spree by writing bad checks. Now the prosecuting attorney is after her. Is this normal? And should I continue helping her financially?

C. I've been seeing my boyfriend, who I also work with professionally, for more than a year. However, when talking to other women, he refers to me as his "co-worker." Do you think he's ready to make a commitment?

Correct answers: No, no and HELL no, have you lost your mind? I scored 100 percent on the first try.

The question now is, can my creeping fuddy-duddyism be reversed? At age 30, I hate to think that I'm out of touch with young people. In fact, I'm even making an effort to watch The WB and listen to rap on occasion.

Realistically, it may be too late for me. The other day, I found myself agreeing with Cape Girardeau's own Rush Limbaugh.

Now I'm scared.

Heidi Nieland is a former Southeast Missourian staff writer living in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Contact her at newsduo@herald.infi.net.