STRANGER THAN FICTION: OBSESSION WITH WORKOUT PARTNER NOT HEALTHY

We're waiting for the day the cops haul Jenny away from the gym on charges of indecent exposure.

My name is Heidi, and I'm obsessed with another woman's physique.Before you send this to the "700 Club" as an example of how low the "liberal media" can stoop, let me qualify that statement.

Jenny and I have been working out together for the last couple of months, ever since we met on the job and found out we both belong to the same gym. It's really inspiring to have a workout partner, especially when she brings along her muscle-bound Italian boyfriend, Tony.

The trouble is, I'm not sure which one fascinates me more.See, Jenny is a lot more in shape than I am. For example, when we're next to each other on the StairMasters, mine is set on "schlep" whereas hers is set on "the Devil is right behind me trying to get my soul."

Mine sounds like this: "Vrrrrrrrrrt, Vrrrrrrrrrt, Vrrrrrrrrt." Hers sounds like this: "Vrt, Vrt, Vrt, Vrt, Vrt, Vrt ...." and so on.

Another example: Last week, I was wrapping up the StairMaster portion (read "hellish component") of my workout. Jenny stood in front of me.

"I just weighed, and the scale showed I've gained seven pounds," she said. "Do I look any fatter to you than when we started? Because my clothes fit better than before. I think it has to be muscle mass."

Maybe she didn't realize she was talking to a woman who has gained seven pounds during a single meal.

"I'm sure it's muscle," I said, battling my gag reflex. But here's the clincher. Jenny wears the tiniest workout clothes of any woman I've ever seen. She also has a very sizable chest for a woman that skinny.

The tops that actually cover her assets are so sheer, one can see right through them.

And, Lord help me, I can't stop looking. Don't get me wrong. I'm a happily married woman. And, given the choice between Jenny and Tony as a life partner, I'd pick Tony. Probably.

I'm just waiting for the day the cops drag Jenny off in cuffs, charging her with violating the indecent exposure law.

Unfortunately, I'm not the only person with a problem in this area. The Other Half and I met Jenny at the gym one day. There was a long silence between us as we drove away from the encounter.

"You probably couldn't even tell me what color Jenny's hair is," I said to him.

He replied: "She had hair?" I think the problem could best be illustrated with a description of our respective workout clothes.

Me: Extra-extra-large t-shirt with "Sport America" on the front; floppy shorts with the hems coming out; sturdy exercise bra; socks and sneakers; eyeglasses; hair pointing to every direction on the compass.

Jenny: Spandex short-shorts with the waistband turned down to reveal her pierced belly-button; sheer white Spandex crop-top; barely there, lace push-up bra; socks and sneakers; contact lenses; perfect coif.

That probably explains why men seem WAY more interested in helping Jenny understand how to get the most from her workout, although it's obvious I need much more help.

Something is going to have to change about my workout routine. It's only a matter of time before Jenny catches me staring at her belly-button ring or other interesting body part. Then I'm going to have some 'splainin' to do, as the ORIGINAL Latino Ricky would've said.

Which is why I'm in the market for a fellow fat chick to work out with. Preferably, someone whose workout attire fits the above description of my own.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.