STRANGER THAN FICTION: MON-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS SURPASS BOUNDARIES

It occurs to me this column would have been more appropriate around Mother's Day, but May was the Living Dead Month From Hell.

The Other Half and I married April 28, and quickly moved into La Casa del Gato, so named because of Ramses and all the cat-oriented stuff donated for decoration. I fear it's only a matter of days before the neighbor children start calling me "the weird lady who talks to her cat all the time."

Mr. Half's father's birthday was in early May, along with Mr. Half's parents' 25th wedding anniversary, and then Mother's Day for two mothers. Argh!

I found it difficult to see any humor in the subject at that time. But I spoke with my friend Lynn the other day, and, as old women like us are prone to do, we started telling stories from our childhood. Specifically, we talked about our relationships with our mothers and found some identical traits.

For one thing, we are both slowly becoming our mothers. I thought it was a joke or fodder for "Cathy" cartoons, but it's the absolute truth. We smile like our mothers, speak like our mothers and say the things we always hated hearing THEM say.

For example, my mom always kept her bills in a napkin holder on the kitchen counter, and I swore that I never would be so disorganized and tacky. Today, I keep my napkin holder full of bills in the bedroom closet. At least they're not on display, but it's only a matter of time, I'm sure.

And, when I have a daughter, I'll probably say the same things to her that my mom and Lynn's mom said to us.

My all-time favorite story is one of Lynn's. Her parents were divorced, and she lived with her mom. After particularly bad arguments, Lynn would yell, "I'M GOING TO LIVE WITH DAD!"

Her mother would whip out a suitcase, start throwing Lynn's clothes into it, and yell back, "GET YOUR FATHER ON THE PHONE!"

Now that woman knew how to call a bluff.

The second runner-up was something we both shared. After our mothers would harp on something we did wrong for the better part of an hour, we would look at them and say, "You can talk about this all night, and I won't be any sorrier than I am now, okay? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Which brings us to our closing topic, statements moms know and love:

"If I'd talked to my mother like that, she'd have smacked me halfway across the room and my father would've smacked me the other half."

"I ran into Pam at the store today -- remember her from high school? You should call her."

"If my boss treated me like that, I'd just march right in there and tell him where to get off."

"I don't like him/her. He/She has shifty eyes."

"Oh my God! Look at your hair!"

"It's not what you said, it's how you said it."

"Heidi Kimberly Nieland! You get in here this instant!"

"No, you aren't adopted. Look at these stretch marks on my stomach."

"Better late than dead."

~Heidi Nieland is a member of the Southeast Missourian news staff.