STRANGER THAN FICTION: MEDICAL QUASTIONNAIRES CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SICK

There's nothing like going to a new doctor to either make you appreciate your good health or feel as though you're falling apart.

I'm talking about those long medical questionnaires they require. My latest was for my new dentist. It was one page, front and back, single spaced, small type, packed with inquiries about my maladies.

Thank heavens it didn't ask my weight.

Even so, I found the form surprisingly depressing. It was mailed to my home in advance of Tuesday's appointment. The Other Half and I filled them out simultaneously at the dining room table. He was done in minutes.

"Hold up," I said. "How did you finish so quickly?"

He shrugged. "It doesn't take long to circle no' on everything."

It's true. Mr. Half is the picture of health. He has thrown up once in 15 years, and that was years ago at a particularly lively party. In the car on the way home, he kept slurring, "I haven't puked since I was 15 years old! I ended my streak, Heidi! I ENDED MY STREAK!!!"

Rhymes with: I married a freak. Who keeps track of the number of years since their last prayer to the porcelain goddess?

He's taken off work for a legitimate illness once in our marriage. It was an earache. I thought he was faking it and made the mistake of saying as much to my mother-in-law.

She set me straight, descending upon our apartment with a heating pad, his favorite fast food and some home remedies. I retreated to the office. I know when I've been out-nurtured.

So while Mr. Half watched "Frasier" in syndication, I agonized over the form.

"Do you have any allergies?" it asked. I circled "yes" and looked for a place to explain the specifics. There wasn't one. I wrote in tiny letters "penicillin."

"Do you have stomach discomfort or ulcers?" I pop Zantac like Pez.

"Are you allergic to any of these drugs?" It listed penicillin as a possible selection. I tried to scribble out my earlier reference to penicillin. The form looked like a third-grader filled it out.

"Do you have arthritis?" Maybe. My knees kill me sometimes.

"Do you have any fungal infections?" Ugh. I have this weird dry patch on my thigh. I was going to ask my cat's veterinarian this week if it is ringworm -- I'm fastidiously clean about the litter box, but who knows? -- but I'm afraid he'll think I'm hitting on him if I hike up my skirt and say, "Hey, Doc, can you take a look at this?"

Maybe I'll get some Lotrimin and hope for the best.

The number of "yeses" circled on my form was disturbing. I'm falling apart at age 31, I thought.

But then I looked at the "nos."

No cancer. No heart disease. No diabetes. And isn't that the most important?

So I'm no Mr. Half.

At least my teeth are clean.

Heidi Hall is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.