STRANGER THAN FICTION: MAKE A RESOLUTION -- IT'S THE AMERICAN WAY

The ancient Babylonians celebrated the new year, but making New Year's resolutions seems uniquely American.

We love forgiveness for past actions and we love fresh starts. We believe everybody deserves another chance. Heck, we even elect presidents who we know have had sex addictions or drug addictions, and we hope for the best in the future. Sometimes that whole second-chance thing pans out, sometimes it doesn't, as we know.

So, of course, we Americans see every new year as a chance to get it right. That's the fun of it. You can just put those old habits away and begin anew -- at least for a couple of weeks.

I've had the same resolution for roughly the past eight years. Take a wild guess what it is. Oh, come on.

Yes, it's to lose weight. Not that I've ever been a waif, but I just started making the resolutions eight years ago. Here's how it has gone so far:

* 1993 -- fought with my mother constantly as I tried to assert my independence, gained 10 pounds because, like all daughters, I subconsciously wanted to tick her off. (She was a weight-loss counselor at the time.)

* 1994 -- began seriously dating The Other Half so kept the weight off until he canceled our wedding to "find himself." I found Ben & Jerry's and put on 30 pounds.

* 1995 -- married The Other Half, who apparently didn't like finding himself alone, fought with him constantly and immediately put on 50 pounds as a result of my ongoing affair with Ben & Jerry plus my other two lovers, Mr. Domino and the Burger King.

* 1996 -- lost 20 pounds as a result of my participation in a program that required my weight be posted in the newspaper every week.

* 1997 -- regained the 20 pounds the minute the program ended. Considered taking out a classified ad so I could keep putting my weight in the newspaper but decided to spend that money on Ben & Jerry's.

* 1998 -- discovered "fried turkey" in the Deep South and put on 20 pounds.

* 1999 -- moved to Fort Lauderdale, the Land of the Thong, and resolved to lose weight. Instead, slowed to gaining a mere 10 pounds and tanned my cellulite, which is almost like losing weight.

* 2000 -- begged the doctor to put me on diet pills. He instead handed me a card for his personal trainer. The personal trainer never returned several phone calls, and I threw the card in the trash. (I can only assume he somehow knows me and feels I am a hopeless case. If that's true ... HEY BUD, KISS MY GRITS!)

This year, I'm adding another resolution: clean up my language. On Christmas Day, I said "damn" in front of my 11-month-old niece. It can only get worse if I don't do something now. I can picture her as a toddler, spewing out a stream of profanity and, as her mother begins washing her mouth out with soap, crying, "BUT AUNT HEIDI TAUGHT IT TO ME!"

I even went to www.how-to-keep-your-new-years-resolution.com, a Web site that initially caused my computer to lock up (not a good sign) but finally downloaded and had some good advice, like don't try everything at once, make a plan for success and write it down.

Of course, I'm not going to do any of those things. I'm just going to eat carrot sticks for a couple of days, dive face-first into a cheesecake and then shout out all the "damns" that have been storing up inside me.

It's the American way. Happy new millennium!