STRANGER THAN FICTION: LOVELORN SINGLES UNITE TO SHOOT CUPID

I found the best Valentine's Day card in the universe for my best buddy, Lynn.

It has an old lady on the front giving a hand signal you wouldn't expect from a grandma. Inside, it says, "It's Valentine's Day! Time to give Cupid a little something for all the guys he fixed us up with."

Lynn will understand completely.

We've been friends through Chalon, Lee, Jon, Joe, Cory, Brian and all the other losers it took to get to The Other Half (for me) and Ryan (for her). We've called excitedly after the first date and sadly after the absolute, final, no-question-about-it breakup. We've called to say that we're back with good-old-whatshisname even AFTER the aforesaid breakup.

We've shared talk-show advice, jewelry and even the same call-him-when-you're-desperate-for-a-date boyfriend.

It has been a long, tough road, but I hope -- no, PRAY -- that we've met our final destinies men-wise. I'm definitely not up for another foray into the world of dating, but who is? Something drives us out there like lemmings to the sea.

As every single woman knows, there are roughly 3.5 dating advice books to every single woman in America, but the advice doesn't seem to be working.

One book glanced over was called "The Rules" and advocated a return to the old fashioned way of dating. You know, the whole thing where the woman makes the man wait in the parlor, never calls him and laughs flirtatiously at everything he says.

It actually encourages you to grow your hair long because "men like to caress long hair." And it warns against talking too much and revealing too much about yourself.

Vomited yet?

What happens after you land this wimpy guy who is too unsure of his masculinity to date a woman who talks? I mean, do you EVER get to call him?

I'm more an advocate of the hit-or-miss theory. The more you get out in public, the more men you'll meet, the more dates you'll have and the better your chances of finding a good one.

If things get too depressing, save these Date From Hell stories, collected through a random survey of my friends. I'll go first . . .

HEIDI: Everything seemed to be going well. I looked good, Joe looked good, and we moved up to the buffet table with grace and ease. As I reached to put a slice of cake on my plate, Joe looked deeply into my eyes and whispered, "Sweetheart, you're getting fat."

BEN: Her name was Jenny. She was attractive, personable and intelligent, or so I thought. We went to dinner at an upscale restaurant and were planning to partake in a movie. Just as we finished dinner, she looked up and said, "You know, the two greatest things that have affected my life are Call Waiting and MTV."

"Check, please," I responded. "I'm sick and need to go home."

DAWN: John was kind, liked kids and drove a great sports car, so when he asked me out for dinner and a movie, I said yes. We ate at El Chico and lined up to pay the bill. The line got smaller and smaller, but John wasn't getting his wallet out.

The cashier told us our total. John just looked at me and said, "I don't have any money." I had $7 on me and wanted to die. The cashier called the manager, who said I could mail a check later.

When we got out to the car, John asked, "What movie did you want to see?"

LYNN: I put on my best dress and heels and felt great, but when Lee showed up, he seemed less than thrilled with the idea of going out. I asked him what was wrong. He finally told me.

"Well, Mom just made a big roast beef, and it seems a shame to spend all this money eating out when we could just eat with her."

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.