STRANGER THAN FICTION; I'M A WEIGHT WATCHERS DROPOUT, BUT NOW I'M IN FOR THE LONG HAUL

This time, I'm in it for the long haul. Really!

Too bad there's no sort of Weight Watchers GED for people like me. Apparently, the only way to lose weight is to stick to the diet for more than a couple hours. I always lasted until a pizza delivery man crossed my path, at which point I knocked him to the ground, took the pie and ran off which also marked the first exercise I'd done in some time.

Yes, yes, I know the WW employees out there are saying: "You can HAVE the pizza. Just stop at one slice!" Yeah, right. The only time in my life I've eaten only one slice was when The Other Half ordered pizza and only one piece was left when I got home. I supplemented it with potato chips and french onion dip.

These days, I'm a true WW believer. For one thing, I've got arthritis in both knees, and the extra weight is killing them. And I'm determined not to ask for one of those seat belt extenders on the airplane when I go on vacation this summer. I mean, why not shout, "I AM ACTUALLY TOO FAT TO GET INTO THESE SEATS! PLEASE BRING ME SEVERAL PACKAGES OF PEANUTS AND A COKE IMMEDIATELY!" Sure, there have been other diets over the years, but they're either too expensive or just idiotic.

Take the cabbage soup diet. You start by making this all-vegetable, cabbage-based soup that stinks to high heaven. On the first day, you eat the soup and non-starchy vegetables. On the second day, you eat the soup, non-starchy vegetables and fruit. On the third day, you eat the same thing as the second day but add a potato. (Whoopee!) On the fourth day, you eat bananas and milk. And on the fifth day, you pass out from hunger, then awake and eat whatever doesn't eat you first.

I also tried those diet shakes. A shake for breakfast, another for lunch and then you sneak your co-workers' food out of the office lounge the rest of the day.

But the WW plan makes a lot of sense. Normal food, nothing off limits as long as you don't go nuts, inspirational meetings. For you old-time participants, they've ended that thing where the instructor gets up in front of the room and says, "Heidi Nieland lost one-quarter pound! Good effort!" and the whole room explodes in applause while you try to fit your fat butt underneath your folding chair in shame.

Of course, the new program was in effect when I dropped out last year, too. But I found myself getting unusually angry at some of my fellow Watchers.

I think it was the insane recipes and trite advice that got me. At one meeting, a woman announced she had found a way to cook an EXACT replica of the Outback Steakhouse's Bloomin' Onion, only with no fat. It was a miracle how much alike they were, she said.

We listened intently as she explained how to cut up an onion, cover it with fat-free cooking spray, sprinkle on fat-free cracker crumbs and then cook the whole thing in the microwave.

Now, I don't know if all of you have had a Bloomin' Onion, but that recipe would compare about the way licking a compost pile would compare to eating a bonbon.

After another meeting, a Watcher accosted me in the parking lot.

"I noticed you didn't share a weight loss with the group today, Heidi," she said.

Uh, that's because I hadn't lost any weight, I explained.

"I find that cutting up vegetables and eating them really helps me," she said. "Maybe you should try that." Oh REALLY? Eating vegetables instead of chocolate cake would help me lose weight? What a novel idea! It was all I could do to keep from running her over.

This time, I'm going to a cool group that actually has helpful recipes, including one for low-calorie, low-fat ice cream sandwiches. (Chocolate-flavored graham crackers, fat-free whipped topping, assemble, wrap in aluminum foil and freeze.

Mmmmm, MMM!) Sure, it's a bit different than the southern WW groups I've attended. At the one in Pensacola, for example, the group leader explained the "food tracker" like this: "Honey, this is your tracker. It's like a journal or diary. When you eat something, write down the food and how many points it was worth. When you reach your point limit, you can still eat most vegetables if you're not full. OK?" The South Florida, Yankee-born leader said: "This is ya tracka. It goes in ya mout, it goes in ya tracka." But I still got the point. In fact, I lost 10 pounds my first week.

I think I'm just afraid of what the Yankees will do to me if I fail.

Heidi Nieland is a former Southeast Missouri writer living in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

Contact her at newsduo@herald.infi.net.