STRANGER THAN FICTION: IF ONLY EVERYDAY LIFE RESEMBLED THE ROMANCE NOVELS

Heroines of historical romances never have stretch marks, cellulite or bad hair days.

My parents probably gave me the birds-and-bees talk at some point in my early childhood, but I just don't remember. I was probably thinking about Barbie dolls or what was for dessert.

So I entered middle school thinking that kissing resulted in pregnancy. A male classmate told me that was impossible, but everyone knows you can't listen to boys on how you can get pregnant. Just ask my mother about how I got here.

But then, in the seventh grade, a classmate opened my eyes. She came to sixth-period science carrying a book with a picture of a raven-haired couple kissing on the cover. There were highlighted portions inside the book. 'Nuff said.

I'd never really read a romance novel from cover to cover until recently. And it cracked me up last year when one romance novelist had to issue a public apology for plagiarizing from another romance novelist. For heaven's sake! If you can't come up with that drivel on your own, you'd better find another line of work, I thought.

But then the book "Skye O'Malley" entered my life.

After our conversation about the silliness of romance novels, my friend Bonnie checked it out of the library and gave it to me. "Read this," she said. "You'll love it."

I didn't want to hurt Bonnie's feelings, so I took the book home and read some of it. Then I read some more. And more.

It was addictive for two reasons: You feel like you've invested so much time in it so far, you'd better just go ahead and finish it; and the wording just cracks you up.

For example, one of the characters in the book is Khalid el Bey, the Whoremaster of Algiers. Wouldn't it be something if we were all named after our occupations, even if they weren't exactly enviable? You'd have Jane el Smith, the Toilet Cleaner of Cape Girardeau, or John el Doe, the Burger Server of Jackson.

And then there were lines like these:

-- "I ... am not in the least offended. It's quite natural you should think me a whore, considering the nature of my husband's business."

-- "Though Robbie is a bit of a man, he likes big, tall women."

-- "Then for God's sake, man, marry her and get yourself some heirs!"

-- "Now, let's rescue that wench of mine before she gets into further mischief."

But the book wasn't all witty dialogue -- oh no! There was also a plot that took Skye from Ireland to Algiers to England and back to Ireland. She was afflicted with amnesia, of course, but recovered. And despite her birthing six children to four husbands, she had no stretch marks, sagging breasts, cellulite or even bad hair days.

I had to do a little more "research" on the topic to write this column and learned a few things about the heroines of historical romance novels.

1. They're probably going to marry their first true loves, but not right away and not without a lot of tragedy first.

2. They shouldn't get too attached to any husbands that follow their first loves, because those husbands are going to be murdered or die of one of those blasted medieval plagues.

3. They don't have any hideous birthmarks or disfiguring scars. Skye, for example, had a "fetching little star" on her breast. These adorable marks can be used for identification purposes when the heroine gets amnesia.

4. While the majority of American women aren't ever raped, romance novel heroines can count on at least one case of being "ravished." And there's a 50-50 chance they'll end up being glad it happened.

5. They're likely to pass out during or after whoopee.

Sure, it seemed like harmless fun to read those novels, but it just lead to unrest in my marriage. I wondered why nothing The Other Half did made me pass out and why he wasn't carrying me over every threshold in our house.

So now I'm reading "A Tale of Two Cities." It's not as breathtaking, but it sure makes life with Mr. Half seem sweet.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.